A mainstream question from the successful #hugot movie of A. Jadaone starring Angelica Panganiban and JM De Guzman.
Where do broken hearts go?
First time hearing those lines, it had me thinking how come somebody would dare to ask that question. Was it really hard when our heart is metaphorically broken that one should go away? Well, I mean… yeah I know not the literal meaning of such fiasco. Viola, you are right, I haven’t been in a situation wherein I really had fallen badly for someone until the last quarter of 2015 when my not-so-ordinary anecdote of being #SawiSaPag-ibig became so apparently bad.
You read it right. I have tasted the bile of being broken and being left alone in pain. Such a tale but let history condemned its tragic plot! To those people who know me better, it would be not as trivial as it will be for those acquaintances who see me in my shallow disposition.
I was broken, vulnerable, and weak. I have been in a few failed romantic relationship during my college years but it never came to a point wherein I had to make myself believe that I am fine. It never came to the point wherein I had to ditch my class the next day because I got that after-crying-a-river look of my eyes. The point was it was not just an ordinary teenage heartbreak (After all, I am not a teenager anymore…). It was different. It was the relationship that taught me to accept the consequences of commitment. I learned to let go and sacrifice a lot of things just to let this relationship work. I gave in and put my trust in that relationship but what I had in return was the havoc of hearing goodbyes after 45 days.
Yeah, it was just a short period of time but for that length of time, I had to admit that I really fall so hard to someone. It was just a matter of days but it had me experienced a lot of things I never though I could. . I never know that I could do better in a relationship until I had this relationship. I never know I could give more. I never know I could trust the way I did in this relationship. I never know I had the capacity to extend my patience because all along I knew I was born impatient. I never know I could turn blind and deaf just for the sake of a relationship. It was like not the typical “me” after all. It really had changed me. Indeed, it was a memory-filled-forty-five-day relationship.
I know that time will always claim its end. I was like a drunk person who woke up with a headache and hang-over. I didn’t know it was coming. I didn’t see it will really end the way it ended. It had me questioned all the “hows” and “whys” but guess, I got no answer. It had me holding on. It had me hoping for a second chance. I was indeed broken. I ended up weeping all night thinking about those memories I had with that someone (thanks to my pillow who never tire of absorbing my tears at night…). Now, can somebody tell me who was to blame if I was hurting so much that I decided to hold on to the hope of second chance? Can somebody blame me if I acted out that way? I don’t know what to do back then until I heard this line “Where do broken heart go?”
That line made me realize one thing- pain will always subside. There are always ways to end the agony of being broken. It must have an end. I made up my mind to do everything to heal and rebuild those pieces of my shattered self. I never went to Baguio just like what Mace (Angelica P.) did in the movie. The very first thing I did was going back to my normal and ordinary routine. Yes, I go back to my normal life hiding all the pains through those stern and stiff expression in the morning and through my pillow every night.
Smiling is said to be the best thing to do to start healing but it is pretty damn hard when you know you had a lot of unsettled emotions in your heart. So, I indeed up talking to someone who will always be there to listen without judging me—God. I went to His sanctuary- the church and confided everything to Him. I had to because I got no one beside me during that time. I know God is there listening even though it was dutifully not a good one to hear. I was relieved. I have expressed my angst, my anxiety, my worries, my frustrations, and all that held me a prisoner of my past. It was the start of my new journey.
It went well as I led my stir to where I must be. I’m getting by with the situation but I cannot help to make a sigh as soon as I remembered details about our past. Until I decided to change the password of my social media account and delete photos on my phone. I stopped checking my social media to avoid seeing things that can add up the pain. I didn’t block that someone from my social media account. It was not an effective move for me. I challenged myself not to send any messages to that someone but sometimes I cheated on myself. I cannot help it.
Doing those things had me thinking everything will be fine. But it was not really. I was just pretending that everything is fine. I’m just denying the way I must have seen it. I was not really fine. I was still holding on to something during those time. I guessed I really need to talk to that someone.
And so it happens, this broken- hearted soul went to Bohol to talk and seal a closure for the both of us. I thought I could make it without shedding tears but I was wrong. Words weren’t there. I just weep in front of that someone. I hate myself for begging for another try. I hate myself for being so dense and naïve. I hate myself for allowing those things to happen.
I asked that someone why it ended up the way it was. I got no answer but a weeping apology coming from that someone. I’m doomed! It was never easy to see someone you love crying out because of guilt and asking for your apology. It just deepened the wound I had.
I needed to stop this. So I smiled and told that someone its fine and I understand everything. Yeah, that was just a lame pretension because after blurting those words, tears were there running through my cheeks. What else could I do when it was no longer working for that someone? He hugged me so tight and held that someone back for the last time. It took us more than five minutes before I let go. It was a heart wrecking scene but I need to do it for me and for us to move on.
Now, here I am. Pursuing my dream in a much wider environment. I have finally set my own accord with myself to accept things I was not in control of. We are better now as compared to where we ended. We are now a friend but we never had the courage to completely erase our bond as Spongebob and Patrick. After all, we both value what we have shared in the past.
Finally, I got the answer of that question. Where do broken hearts go? The answer of the question is not a place. The answer is ourselves. Being broken demanded our courage to realize that building our shattered self is our job and not by someone else. The place where healing start is realizing from within that the real struggle is letting pain took its toll until it no longer affect your ethereal self. In the end, the place where we can always take refuge when we are being broken is ourselves. We just need to wake up and mirror our realities.