I came to realize that love is not just about one’s heartbeat going faster, nor a shortage of breath when he’s nearer. There’s more to love than sweet kisses and a warm hug. Its called commitment.
One can love anybody or anyone whom he meets on a busy street or in a crowded bar. One can easily fall in love with someone he meets over an online game or any form of social media. But what differentiates feelings from love is commitment.
Commitment is a gift where two people decided to meet halfway, to understand and to accept each other’s flaws and insecurities. It binds two people who are losing the spark; it unites two hearts to beat as one when the feeling is no longer there.
Sadly, I never felt that. I felt the warmth of your embrace and the softness of your lips, but your soul was never there. I gave you enough time to figure things out. I gave you your freedom to do whatever you one so long as you don’t cheat on me. Yet, the emptiness of your words never went away. The cold stare, the lukewarm smile made it even more painful. I silently questioned everything. At the peak of nothingness, I closed my eyes and tried to jump off the cliff and just let things go. It was liberating. I chuckled. I laughed. I graspe
d my breath and when I thought I will fall hard on the ground, your arms were there to catch me.
I wondered why you were there. You said you care. I looked at your almond eye staring at me, you said you are sorry for not being there when I needed you. And because I was crazily into you, I forgave you. The cold breeze that afternoon was our witness.
I trusted you again with my heart. Hoping you’ll fix it. I was thinking you’ll gonna make it up with me. Then there was nothing. I waited. Patiently. I was praying and hoping or should I say denying. No. I was fooling myself by making stories on my head just to ease the pain of expecting from nothing. The agony and anxiety finally sinked in. There’s nothing to look forward to. They say change is permanent but I doubt its applicable to you. All hopes, plans and dreams crushed in front of me. No. I did not cry.
I held my breath and swam to the ocean of nothingness. I paddled my hand until it went numb. I was losing my breath but I did not stop swimming. I can feel my lungs contracting. My heartbeat losing. I can feel the pain all over my body.
I stopped paddling. I just let my body float; maybe this way, the memories will drift away. After drowning myself I felt nothing. I went up, I felt stronger yet my body aches. When I was about to fall again, you were there with your smile. Promising. De Javu.
But this time, I decided to ignore you. I decided to just pass by as if I do not know you. No. I don’t deserve it. No woman deserves such treatment.
Tonight it’s cold and starry but I don’t want you here with me.