“We don’t pick who we fall in love with, and it never happens like it should… but… when I talk to you, I fall in love over and over again…”
Meeting your eyes for the first time doesn’t give me the license to shiver even a bit. The feeling of weakening knees did not come even for a second. Everything was normal from introduction to turning down the idea of intimacy. I gave you my default smile, a standard smile for a new acquaintance and you granted me an embarrassed one. I forgot about you, your name, your looks and those eyes. I eventually forgot all about that usual face.
One day I came across you and your friends. We talked, our laughs echoed because you are super fun to be with. You asked certain things about me that I willingly answered and you remembered everything, every detail of every piece of me that I shared. You’re even mindful of the fact on how I don’t want pineapples and olives on my pizza.
It was a fine gesture, you recalling the parts of me which were mostly being ignored by many. And one moment, that one moment, when we shared the same stare, guessing, teasing and testing the truthfulness of each other’s words, I just thought of how so nice it is gazing with you. I’m mirroring myself into your soul. It’s as if I’m traveling deep down you. It lasted I don’t know for how long, the seconds I lost count. It’s just that those fleeting moments when our eyes were locked, I knew, my defenses started to collapse. The defensive state I’m in got swayed. The wall started to crack, what I built around me too soon will crumble.
Every day we do the same thing over and over again until I became addicted with the staring game. I love fixing my eyes on yours. You do the same. It’s some kind of a habit for us or for me at least. I let my guards down and the walls, I just found them scattered, fragmented into bits. I was not aware of how did the wall disintegrated. I was not aware I started to fall, everyday I’m falling. Finally, I’m in love. This cold heart started to beat again for a kind of man I didn’t expect to be fallen in love with. The same man I disregarded, the same man I have no interest on starting a relationship just because… just because.
I began to hope. I started imagining. I unconsciously protruded some things that made me vulnerable. I accidentally sent signals that maybe you’re still ignoring until now. Everybody can tell that I do have an eye on you. Everyone knows how I feel about you except you. How lame it is of you denying the obvious. But I guess that’s how you handle things you’re not ready to face. That’s how you are when you have no plans accepting.
You staring at me means nothing to you. You’re just teasing, testing the waters and I was left guessing. I should’ve not hoped. I should’ve not imagined. I stared at the wall, too long, for how many seconds I lost count. I tried to rebuild the fences so I could be safe again, well hidden. But maybe it’s too late. I fed the hope so much. I lived the dream that should not be lived. I was so into you I laid my guards down. The fine stature is gone. I’m so in love with you I forgot I’m not invincible with pain until there’s tears. It drowns me. It is so painful I want to resurface. I badly wanted to resurface.
The hand I am so willing to give is the hand you have no plans of taking. You let go before you can even hold. You turned around when I finally have the guts to face you. You hurried back just when I just started to inch steps towards you. Most often than not, you take your glance away from me, until you won’t even bother to look anymore…
It is not worth the fight I guess. And this, this is how you broke me.. I lost the game against you.