This is how I knew I got over you

I found myself staring at the computer screen, reading a very unexpected message. “Happy birthday, tim,” it said. It was from you. You, of all people. You, who I lost contact with for years. You, who blocked me on facebook. You, who were my first love. You, who broke my heart into pieces.

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Flashback to 3 years ago: It was almost the same scenario. Almost. Me, sitting on my bed, facing my laptop, staring at photos of us during our happy days. Bittersweet. I remember begging you to talk to me, to answer my calls. I remember trying desperately to get your attention.

I remember doing stupid things just to keep you from leaving. How I said I’d wait for you for 7 fcking years. How I embarrassed myself in front of your friends, again asking you to talk to me. How your friends made fun of and bullied me. The idiotic “basya tubig” event. How my friends dragged me away because they didn’t want me embarrassing myself further. How you just shrugged it all off because for you, I was just the “crazy ex”.

I remember breaking down after seeing your “new girlfriend’s” post declaring your official relationship status. How I cried in front of my aunt and mom, for the very first time. How I painstakingly made a dummy account and stalked you. How I’d cry myself to sleep every night. How I’ve mastered faking a smile just to make people believe I was okay.

I remember getting drunk and wasted because of you. How I told my friends about you, about us, after I downed a glass of mixed drink. How I took a shot for each time I felt pain.

I was hurt. I was desperate. I was lost. I was broken.

Then I remember waking up one day, thinking I didn’t want to feel that way no more. I remember fighting every urge to stalk you, to talk to you, to try to make it work again. I went out more, I invested more time with friends and family. I started to love myself again.

It wasn’t an easy process. In fact, it took me months, years to be okay again. I fought every day to survive, telling myself I’m never going to be that girl ever again. I created closure for myself, and set a whole new beginning.

And now, here I am staring at your message. Half surprised half not believing it. I actually didn’t think you’d remember. After all, it’s been years since our last contact. And our last exchange of messages wasn’t exactly pleasant. But here you are, greeting me.

So, okay. I crept into your profile again and what I saw (my reaction, even) surprised me. Seeing  you and your girl happy actually made me smile. You were happy together, and I, too, am happy living my own life separate from yours.

I was expecting rage. I was expecting hate. But no, all I felt was peace. After all those years that I kept telling myself I’ve moved on, it was only on that moment that I was sure that I was “okay”. I didn’t hate you anymore. I didn’t hate myself anymore. The pain that kept stabbing me every time someone mentioned you, every time I saw your name, was no longer there. Instead, all the hate was replaced with happiness. I’m happy for you, I’m happy for myself.

And so, as I was typing a sincere thank you in response to your greeting, I couldn’t help but think about how life worked out great for both of us, though separately.And this, this is how I knew I got over you.

About mannikahliane

On happy pills 24/7. Living on the sunny side of life. IG: timikoliane Twitter: liane_clores