The story was narrated by our bidang pa conyo, to fully appreciate it, please read it with SUPER ARTENG ACCENT, this is just fiction, please, don’t take it seriously 🙂
Hi guys, My name is Chit Aquino, as in short for Conchita..I know right?? it was like my parents are so old fashioned, gees..anyway here’s my story. One day I was like on my way home nah after my class, tapos nakita ko yung car ng boyfriend ko sa parking area ng University, so I make lakad nalang over there, hoping he’s there to make pahitid nalang sa bahay because its like it will rain, you know parang uulan. Anyway nung makarating na ko sa car, I was like…. Shocked to death! O—M—-G—-! My baby is like making lampungan with somebody! And I was more nagulat when I saw the person he was making lampungan with, Ohhh my gahhhhhhhhd… the super poging varsity player ng basketball team! I was like, What the hell???! I want to make sampal both of them, then my boyfriend saw me and make labas sa car, he told me
“Chit I’m so sorry, I wanted to tell you this, but I don’t have the heart to hurt you”
“Ryan?youre a gay?!but diba last night lang may nagyari sateng something something? And you enjoyed it diba diba??”
“Sister alam ko nakaka lurkey at pranella kana ngaun, and, It’s not Ryan, its Rihanna, churchill diba? Bata palang ako alam kong jubelita na aketch, kaya ko lang naman tinago dahil sa mga bobonicles na hindi ako ma gegets, I’m sorry talaga, I thought kapag may nangyari satin,mag tusha tayo mapaninindigan ko ang pagigiging mentos ko, sa trulity lang kadiri kaya! sudems ko na ulet gagawin yun!”
“You used me???ha…I hate you!!!Manggagamit! haliparot!!!”
“I’m really sorry, look pag gising ko at sunshine dizon nah may dumapong butterfly sakin, effect diba? Palong palo vaklita!!I know that’s a sign, ana bet nadin talaga,dapat na kong lumantad, hindi ko narin keribels ang magtago, …so friends???basta may anda pwede tayo mag shopping together, text mo ko kapag may alam kang sale ha, and nga pala yung nawawala mong red underwears, ginetching ko..debbie gibson mo nalang sakin teh kahit chipipay,..oh siya channel na ko sa carrou gorabels kana dun, ang chopopo ng jowakis ko noh?ohh babush na..”
Hindi ko ma explain ang nararamdaman ko that time, it’s like heaven and earth sandwiched me, you know like pinagsakluban ako ng langit at lupa, it’s so painful, I make iyak nalang sa isang sulok, and then suddenly, umulan bigla, the heaven is crying with me..huhuhuhu..I decided to walk nalang in the rain para no one will notice me crying, tsaka ihing ihi narin ako, no one will notice naman diba cause I’m already wet nah..ang witty ko no?
The rain stopped, Ohhhhh great, now its like water world already, you know its like baha everywhere, basta umulan,ganito lagi, eissshhh I knew it daptat talaga sa Lasaaaahhhhhl or Arrrneeoooooh nalang ako nag aral.Like ewwwww I don’t want to make lusong sa baha, I might get leptospirosis, you know the disease you get when you make lusong sa baha and the water is contaminated with ihi ng daga!
I feel so hopeless, tapos bigla nalang may nag salita behind me…sabi niya..
I was like, who the hell are you, he’s cute though,but kinda jologs and jejemon nga lang, like he’s wearing a colorful cap, shirt, tapos may naka sabit pang bling bling, tapos yung shorts niya its like table cloth na ginawang pants, and his slippers, buti sana kung flojos but its like Rambo you know the thick one they use sa tumbang preso.Anyway mukha nama siyang mabait and harmless and cute yung smile niya in fairness so I say Oo na lang kaysa naman I make lusong sa baha diba?
Eventually he carried me in piggy back style, you know yung naka sakay ako sa likod niya..Ang weird ng feeling its like parang gumaan pakiramdam ko, nawala sama ng loob ko, and he smells nice, ang bango bango niya grabehhhh, I bet gamit nyang perfume…hmmm downy? It’s like I don’t want that moment to end…but it did.. I’m hoping kukunin niya number ko, but then hindi,its so sad, umalis din agad, hindi pa kinuha name ko.hmp antipatiko.
So pag dating ko ng house namen, I went straight to my room nah, nag shower then went to bed early, I’m not really hungry, I lost my appetite, I’m cuddling my pillow and the smell of it remind me of someone,the downy scent , the same smell of the guy who carried me, my jejemon. So hindi na ko makatulog kaka isip sa kanya, kaya I decided to open my facebook account nalang, then may nakita akong isang friend request. The name looks greek to me, hindi ko mabasa ang characters its letters and numbers…then it hit me!!!…he’s my jejemon in shining bling bling. Ohhh my gahd, I opened his profile, siya nga! So I accepted his friend request, nakuha pala niya name ko sa ID na naka sabit sa leeg ko, binasa niya siguro habang buhat niya ko..ahahaaha..ang clever niya right?,and we started chatting nah, but then i’ts like I‘m Thomas Gate, you know like decoding some clues in a treasure hunt because I cant really Understand Jejemon Language, you know its like so hirap, its like the equations on my algebra class, sumasakit headache ko promise. But then I tried because I think I really, really I like him kung kelangan ko mag aral ng Bachelor of Arts in Jejemonism and Jejetyping gagawin ko, magkaintindihan lang kami.
So we started texting and calling na rin name pala niya Jejemar Binay. tapos niyaya niya ako makipagdate, kain daw kami sa labas..so I told him I want to eat kahit sa Thursdays or Greencab lang.sabi niya streetwise daw kami..ahhh baka dadalhin niya ako sa KFG, baka gusto niya I try yung abnormal na burger, yung nasa top ang chees,ahahaha I know right?It’s like the smartest stupidity ever!winner!
So nagkita na kami, that was our first date, and todo porma ako, I want to Impress him, tapos dinala niya ko sa streets!as in sa kalye!, we are gonna make kain sa ISAWAN??? I was like are you’re kidding right ???its like your buying salmonella, hepatitis and cholera…ewwww yuck. Pero ayoko namag isipin niyang sobrang arte ko. So sinakayan ko nalang trip niya, I just cover up, sinuot ko pagka laki laki kong shades baka may makakita kasi saking friends ko,so kakahiya naman. I dig in and I also ate isaw, diba its like my poo poo dun dati bec its intestine thingy, but in fairness its yummy, and even the one day old, the sisiw looks kawawa and baka magalit sakin PETA, I don’t care it taste nice, I used my bare hands pa nga eh. And the fish ball, its yummy, sinubuan pa nga niya ako,sabi ko sa kanya, “Ang sarap ng balls noh?”
I think I already love him, the first time I saw him palang,it was love at first sight, that day naging kami na nga ahahaha, bilis noh?its like bakit mo pa patatagalin kung mahal mo diba?and I really love him, 2 weeks palang kami magka kilala, we decided to get married nah, you know parang nasa expressway lang noh?well ayoko narin mawala siya. So naging Conchita Aquino-Binay na ako.
So nagka baby kami agad, a baby boy, we named him Justin Bieber pareho kasi kaming fan, we call him biebie sometimes.
So after 5 years, I’m very happy with my life, I love my husband and son so much. we still have communication ni Rihanna, yung ex ko, well nagpa sex change ang bruha, and she’s into showbiz narin, she was like my soul sister, like what she said, we always shop together, we go to divisoriahhh, moahhh, or sometimes in trinomahhh.
One day sabi ng son namin
“Daddy I want to make laro basketball na outside, but yaya told me its mainit pa later nalang daw, but I want to play na already”
Sabi ng husband ko sakin why daw our son is pure pa conyo, its like there is no blood of jejemon in him, I also noticed that, well I told him someday ma master din nya ang art of jejemonism, he’s his son in the first place.
One night when we are ready to make tulog na, me and my hubby heard a very lakas tili..its like a tili of a young girl..its coming from our son’s room, so we make punta there agad agad. Then we saw our son standing sa bed nya, crying tapos pointing to something..
I told him “Justin anak whats wrong?”
“Ewww mommy its like so gross ohhh..a cockroach! And stop calling me justin! call me BieBie as in Biebie gandang reyna! Pudra! Getchingin mo na yung tsinelepers, jombagin mo yung ipis dali!!!kadiri..hindi keribels ng beautyness ko..gorabels,dyesebels!!”
I was like O-M-G….
At lumaki si Biebie na may dalawang fairy god mother na sina Chit at Rihanna,at tinuring naman siyang tunay na anak ni Jejemar, and they live happily ever after..
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