The Agony of Holding On

They say timing is everything, but when there’s no more love in the room, when the two people who used to be so in love with each other don’t rhyme anymore, is there really a perfect time to leave?

You’re done nagging about it; complaining how everything had been changing lately, or how everything becomes tedious in your relationship.

You’re done wanting to reconcile for a sweet comeback because it hasn’t changed anything since the last time you broke down and cried trying to fix whatever it is that has been eating your heart out, but none of it has changed the set-up.

Time went by and, before you know it, you have already outgrown each other.

The chasing part is over, the thrill has already sneaked out of the room and all those romantic gestures have all been swept away. You may not have noticed it but you have already lost that loving feeling.

You just don’t care anymore; you just don’t get mad anymore; you’ve given up hoping everything would still be the same as it was before and then you reached the point when you two began to downplay everything – from entertaining those deafening silence in those phone calls to those empty text conversations. You say sorry because you don’t want dramas anymore and not because you feel awful for hurting them. You say the words “I love you” and “I miss you” because you know you’re damned if you don’t and not because it’s what your heart wants to shout.

What greater agony could there be than to be in a relationship like that – living with someone you know is no longer happy with you? Yet, you can’t leave them just like that because you’re afraid of so many things; you fear changes.

You’re afraid to change your way of living because you’re already used to it. You fear starting all over again. You’re terrified with the idea of going on your own again.

You fear going through the same stages on losing significant ones. You’re too scared of wasting everything that you have given up just to build that relationship. You fear letting go of what you once believed as your true love.

You keep thinking these are all just trials and you’ll soon get through this dreadful stage of your relationship and all you got to do is wait: either wait until you find the courage to leave; or, wait and hope that the other would still try to fix it.

How long are we supposed to confine ourselves then in a relationship that doesn’t make us happy anymore? Up to what extent are we supposed to give for us to be able to say that we’ve done our best to work it out? When is the right time to give up and call it quits? What if the person we are fighting for has already given up and he asks for space? How much more are we supposed to give before we realize that it’s never going to work again?

Stop beating yourself. You may not have done the best, but you’ve certainly done enough. The end of your will is the beginning of God’s grander plan for you. •



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