When February 14 hits, I always find myself asking why I have to be single every time the calendar celebrates the month of lovers. I am not ugly, that I am sure. I am of the right age. I am capable of pain (or thought I am at least). And I am very certain that I am not naïve with the matter. So why?
I woke up one Valentine’s Day on my 21st year wondering why. Instead of wondering, I made a list. Could be an assurance or a mere defense of being single, I am not sure. At least I tried sorting it out.
1. Thanks to the books
Probably this is one of the reasons why I am still imprisoned in the world of serendipity and fairy tales. Thanks to the books. Isn’t it magical? Isn’t it full of hopes and dreams? Isn’t it cool? It’s totally the perfect escapade from reality.
I remember how my cousin complained so much with how I am too in denial with what the world really offers. She said that books are only for those who are still immature enough to deal with destiny and slow motion moments. Turned out, books made me not believe in fairy tales or some sort—it gave me an idea how to pattern my own love story. I am the author. Probably that too makes a total sense.
2. When you’ve witnessed enough broken hearts
The usual role of single friends is being a best listener slash adviser. That is my role for the last decade of my life! The way my sister wept ‘til her tears dried out (if that’s even possible); my cousin looked so blank after an eternal outburst of how her ex cheated; my father almost lost his self after my mom died; it’s just too painful.
They say experience is the best teacher. I say you don’t have to go through the dark tunnel for you to conclude that it is indeed dark. I know there are exemption to that rule and I am about to discover it someday. The least I can do is wait for the right moment to feel their pain myself instead of jumping into a conjecture that all love stories are of tragic end—unless of course it ended up well with a wedding bell.
3. My Father is my Partner
As the youngest girl of three daughters, I am the one closest to my father. He’s my benchmark. He’s my hero. I should find someone exactly like him. The way he treated my mother, kept us his children and stood strong with his principles without stepping over the others made him my standard.
Unfortunately, I have learned that my father is one and only. If that’s the case, will I be a spinster? No. Maybe, after all I haven’t really figured out who I really wanted to be with aside from my father. Or maybe—beware for hopeful souls—I am still waiting for my father replica. He could be somewhere you know. I just have to find the 90% of his double when the time offer it.
4. I am still full of Love
There are like three kinds of love and I have two out of three—that’s a satisfactory point to start with. I have my father, brother, sister, cousin, neighbor, friends…the list could be infinite. So why do I need a boyfriend? To go out on a date with?—I have my girlfriends. To care for me?—thanks father and sister and brother and cousins.
But sometimes I become curious how it feels when I’ll receive a bouquet of flower from a special someone. I even wonder what’s the difference between hugging a real pillowcase and a pillow with the boyfriend’s shirt case. For some reason, I am wondering how magical would it be if I have someone to care of other than my family and friends.
5. I deserve the best
This, I tell you is one of the main reasons why I am still single. Really, I have a big head with full assurance swarming all over my brain saying I deserve the best. Yes, I may not be the best lady the world could ask for but I seriously deserve no lesser than my expectations. After more than 21 years and all I get is a playboy drunkard who thinks a relationship is just a title instead of a commitment?—no way!
There’s no such thing as a perfect guy though. After setting 10 wish lists, 7 will be the passing rate. Or maybe I could lower my standard? Or maybe I will not set any standard at all? Or maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t mind? Where are my manners if I will not set my standards after being choosy all these years?
6. God is still writing my love story
I have this small whisper every time I feel depressed with my singleness. “I am a reasonably kind woman. Surely God is preparing a reasonably kind man for me too”, I assure myself. After countless youth seminars in my church, I have learned that good things happen to those who wait. In contradiction to the idea, God helps those who help themselves. Should I do the first move?—a big no.
I read this book “I love you” back in high school and I have learned that commitment is a sacred thing. I respect that. I don’t want to engage into a relationship because I have to but it’s because I want to. Not a peer pressure or biological demand will drag me to the most confusing, mysterious subject in this life. I will wait.
It may take forever of waiting but a man given by God? He’s worth the wait.
So yeah, I stayed single.