(P33) Deceived and Betrayed by a Spineless Coward

Deceived and Betrayed by a Spineless Coward

Jan 14

Aside from the wake up text that I got from Trudy, I started noticing that she’s getting mellower these days. Her texts were not as hurtful. Sometimes it’s more of pleadings. Trudy pleading? Maybe she’s pleading on behalf of Tommy. Is she finally going to share Tommy with me? What’s wrong with one weekend every month with Tommy? I would take that. So I texted back:

Me: How may I help you?

Trudy: Could we talk?

Me: No. Texting is fine. And only if you promise to be a good girl.

Trudy: Let’s talk.

Me: No. Maiiyak ako at nakakahiya dito sa co-worker ko.

Trudy: Go somewhere else.

Me: No. My phone’s battery is dying. I can only use it for calls if it’s kept plugged.

(The reality was that I didn’t want to hear her voice. We never talked ever, even way back in the 80’s. Why would we talk now?)

Trudy: OK. Let’s just text then.

Me: Only if you promise to be a good girl.

Trudy: Yes.

Me: How is he?

Trudy: Very happy. He was miserable with you.

Me: Why do you have to plead to me to communicate with me when he’s happy with you? I thought you’d finally want to share him with me that’s why you’re pleading.

Trudy: Over my dead body.

Me: When?

Then she started bashing me again. She didn’t keep her promise to be a good girl. I turned the phone off.

I felt so stupid exchanging texts with her; thinking that she’s going to share Tommy with me. I was so pathetic.

It’s been ten days and I haven’t heard from Tommy. Maybe he’s never going to get in touch with me, not even thru text, phone call, voice mail, FB message, Yahoo draft, email, nothing. Definitely it’s not going to be me to call him ever. What if I hear what I dreaded? Maybe I should stop hoping that one day he’d come here and just hold my hand during the Our Father at St Mary’s Cathedral.

I continued with my random musing on the Yahoo draft…

Honey, you wouldn’t believe who wanted to see me.  It’s the DAKO people that I have been dealing with for the past ten months.  I was so excited and scared. I didn’t look good.  I have not been looking after myself since that dreaded Jan 4. I got so excited because DAKO was part of us, remember?  We talked about it because of the name and its location – Burlington, ON. I really miss you so much, honey.  I could be texting you right now about it.

Now that you’re gone, fate is teasing me. I’m dealing with staff from Agfa in Etobicoke, GE Healthcare and Ortho in Markham, Beckman Coulter, Sysmex, and Agilent Technologies all in Mississauga.

I still can’t get over the fact that you’re gone.  If we’re not found out, I know tayo pa rin. I could feel hirap na hirap ka to get over me, or am I just imagining it? I’d rather imagine the positive.

Don’t shake me off, hon. I know if you hate me right now, it’s because you just want to lessen the pain.  Ako rin naman ganun.  But we know each other better than that.  We had 3 beautiful years together. Just keep me in your heart.  When the right time comes, come back to me.  I’ll be waiting for you till my last breath.

Matters of the heart are really so complicated.  It gives you the pinnacle feeling of a fleeting moment and it crashes you all at the same time.

Oh, hon, I know it’s harder for you ang pagkawala ko kasi I was there.  But although you weren’t here, you’re so much a part of Winnipeg as well.  You’re with me wherever I am because I carry you here in my heart.

I dreamt about you last night. I dropped by your office and told you…my every heart beat is for you, Tommy. I’ll keep on loving you till my heart stops beating. Our memories will keep you near me. I came to say goodbye, but I can’t.  Hindi ko kaya.  Ikamamatay ko. Please come back to me, Tommy.  Promise me you’ll come back to me pag pwede ka na. I’ll wait for you till my last breath.  You’re the only one for me. Until then…I’ll see you in my dreams.  I’ll keep you in my heart.  I hope you keep me in yours.

Girls na lang ka talk/text ko.  Minsan si ate, or si mama, or si auntie.

Alam mo kahit mag vibrate lang ang phone ko, I was hoping na it’s from you, but it’s always Trudy.  Every morning pagpasok, palagi kong inaasam na may red light ‘tong work phone ko, a notice that I have a voice mail from you.

Talking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran is always being played on the radio. I bet if we’re still together, you’d be singing this song on my voice mail.

It’s going to be a challenge this Valentines. I’ll try na di magselos. Hirap na nga when you were intimate again after three years. Ang sakit talaga nun, para akong mamamatay. Ang sikip sa dibdib. Pinipilit ko na lang isipin na ako ang nasa puso at isip mo. ‘kaw kasi, sabi na okay lang kami na ipagsabay mo, ayaw mo, kasi unfair sa akin. Tapos ngayon, sobrang sabik kayo sa isa’t isa.

I don’t know if you meant what you texted “sana huling communication na natin ‘to.” You know it’s so hard to do that. You’re in my system now that if you take away any link that we could possibly have, I am going to die. I am already dying right now. I’m still hoping that we can make it together we just have to wait. So forgive my random chit chats. Let me pretend that we still text.

Pa’no ko pa maibibigay mga pasalubong ko sa ‘yo, hon? Marami from Pnas and Japan. I got you Sake pa nga, and mochi.

Deceived and Betrayed by a Spineless Coward
Deceived and Betrayed by a Spineless Coward

 

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