Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot on how it would be painful to let them go. Perhaps I should not care because I am just a phase in their life, and probably someday I will never be significant to them anymore. But…
Everyday I have found myself thinking of what would happen next. Maybe I overthink a lot and over analyze things that might happen. That is the problem with having a heart that cares a lot. Everything is so uncertain that makes me feel anxious and emotional.
The thing is, there are days that I try to convince myself that I have done my part. It is their choice now if they’ll depart from the things I have taught them. Seriously, I have my life. I should live my own life and shouldn’t worry anymore over theirs.
It is a tiring thing, yes. But seeing them opening up so that I could see inside their cocoon, I have realized maybe I made the right decision in always choosing to understand inspite of feeling being taken advantage of most of the time. Perhaps that is how they must be treated.
However, there are days that I want to walk away. Getting exhausted from the same behavior they’re always showing make me angry to the maximum level. Sometimes I even get to the point that I have to cry it out just to release the emotions inside of me.
I am not afraid relaying to them what I have felt about their attitudes and actions. They must be aware of what they are doing so they would become sensitive individuals. Yet still many of them are not striving to be such.
I am emotionally honest with them. If they did something that hurt me a lot, I tell them directly. So they will have a clue and be fully informed. I am not doing such just to gain their attention, I do believe in the power of open communication.
Some of them are still doing the same things they used to do; as if they don’t need to be fixed. They’re just emotionally broken and do not know how to express properly their behavior. The question therefore is how long should I tolerate them? When should it end?
Whenever I am too kind and considerate they become so comfortable to the point that respect is seemingly no longer there. And it gives me the deepest cuts. Why? Because I am giving so much and yet what I have harboured is pain.
Despite of it all, they are the attachment that I do not want to lose but I have to. When the end of their schooling comes, I hope they will continue to grow forward. Even if they would not look back, I am smiling happily and still hoping to see them become better than they used to be.