On Becoming a BETTER LOVER

One of the greatest Hollywood heartthrobs of the 20th century, easily the Brad Pitt of his generation, was asked what makes a man a great lover.

He gave a very excellent answer, an answer that I hope every male, especially every Filipino male, should read:

“A great lover is someone who can satisfy one woman all her life, and who can be satisfied by one woman all his life long.

“A great lover is not someone who goes from woman to woman, any dog can do that.”

— Paul Newman

I don’t know if they’re two separate quotes or he said them both in one go, but he soooo nailed it…and how far some of us men have fallen from this very simple truth.

For the life of me, I have no idea how having lots of girls is connected with being a great lover. How pathetic! Easily the quickest way to end a conversation with me is to brag about how much of a “playa” you are. Trust me, you’re not a man, you’re a dog.

With that out the way, a lot of us need help in becoming a better lover to our special someone. This is what this blog entry is about.

If you’re excited that this is gonna be some Kama-Sutra like blog entry, I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m talking about something much more important: love as expressed as an emotional language.

According to the classic bestseller, The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman, each of us has five languages of love.

These 5 love langauges are featured below (taken from the book’s website)…and stay with me as the most important part of this blog is after the love languages are described:

• Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. Unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

• Quality Time: Nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

• Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. The perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

• Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

• Physical Touch: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Now, if you’re still with me, this is the important part of this blog: while we like all of these five, each of us has a PRIMARY love language that takes center stage over all others. The trick is, if we want our spouses to feel loved, WE HAVE TO FIND OUT WHAT THAT PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE IS!!

If we don’t know our spouse’s love language, communicating to them that we love them could be a challenge. Here’s an example given by Gary Chapman, himself (with small modifications, by me, to fit the Philippine setting of this blog’s audience):

Let’s say there’s this husband whose love language is physical touch, particularly the sexual kind. Now, one day, feeling deprived of primary love language for a long time (for him) he says to his wife,

“Honey, I feel that you don’t love me anymore.”

The wife looks at him, bewildered, and exclaims,

“I don’t love you?? I DON’T LOVE YOU?! I wash your clothes, cook your food, keep your house clean, raise your kids, shop for groceries…” and she is very sincere.

The husband, stunned for a while, gathers his wits and retorts,

“I can take the clothes to the laundry shop, we can order take out for the food, we can hire a maid to keep the house clean, the kids are at school most of the time, the driver can get the groceries; WOMAN, I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME SOME LOVIN’!!!!!”

You can guess what the wife’s love language is, right? Acts of Service. The husband doesn’t get that her doing all these things for him is HER way of showing her love. And she didn’t know that physical touch is the primary way her husband feels loved. Are they sincere in their love for each other? Sure! The problem is not the sincerity, it’s the communication.

So, do you know your beloved’s love language? Hitting its mark as often as possible will send her to the moon. Depriving him or her of it is asking for trouble.

After taking the Love Language test several times, I know that Wifey’s primary love languages (yes, she’s bilingual) are both physical touch and acts of service. Regarding the first one, if we’re going through the mall, she’d complain if I don’t put my arm around her or hold her hand. The kids all have to line up and kiss and hug her goodbye before leaving for school. Regarding the latter, if she asks me to do something in the house, I’d better make sure it’s done…or else she’d take my inaction very personally and it’s the doghouse for me. Now that I think about it, my wife asks for massages ALL THE TIME…it’s related to both of her primary languages.

My primary love language is words of affirmation. If she does any other love language, I’d be happy and appreciate it…but if she gives me a verbal compliment, I’ll be walking on cloud 9 for the rest of the day!

Find out your beloved’s love language, and for sure, you’re on your way to becoming a better lover!

If you want more articles on marriage, parenting, faith, and other things that enhances your person, feel free to visit, comment (my love language is words of affirmation, remember) and subscribe to my site, Lessons Of A Dad at www.lessonsofadad.com, it has lots of info there for you.

About Healthy Frugal Filipino

A happily married Filipino father of three. Loves God, his family, and his job as a teacher. Has a blog geared to help fellow Filipinos become the best of ourselves.