Questions come running in my mind as I start to scribble something to write. Why is it that there are no feel-good stories created, no boosting of self esteem can be started? Only sadness, sighs, pains, hopes…at least there’s hope. But then letting go can’t be separated from all these themes.
My fingers just started to type “of letting go”, letting my mind control what is to be written. I tried to create better stories, yet all are introductions, they were never finished. Could it be because that I’m in a limbo right now, searching for the way out in the real world? Or it’s just that my mind seem to be used of hurting moments and down moments, feeling all the frustrations and pains of letting go…always letting go.
I sometimes think and make realizations that maybe,life is really like that. That I can’t hold on to something so long and that I can’t stay long enough as I wanted to in a situation. Or maybe that a stronger Being just doesn’t want me to dwell much in that place where He knows I could be hurt. Yet, I was too stubborn not to have seen this and I still embrace the pains lingering within.
Along the way, I learned that I should not escape the pains and that it is better to face these feelings than stay away from them. To feel loneliness to the point of tears. Embrace the feelings of frustration, of grief, of fear, to be able to let go… to be able to detach myself from these feelings. Let tears flow and feel it completely and be able to say that it was my moment with loneliness,that I have to set this loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in this world and I’m going to experience them as well. I should welcome these emotions but don’t let these control me. Don’t let these emotions define who I am and who I want to be.Many times, I thought to have let go…only to end up still being trapped in my own imaginations.
I thought I had been set free, but then, there is still that speck of hope from within. Letting go, setting free…songs were written…poems were told… but letters remained unsent, and it is hard still to go for it. As a song says, “Loving you is all that means to me, being happy is all I hope you’d be… coz loving you must mean, I really have to set you free.” It is so easy to say but will surely take years to do it.
But then,there is no other way of moving on than going forward and be determined to move on. Memories may keep linger, bring the past back and let tears flow again from the eyes. To be smacked again with the realization that things will never be the same again.
A sigh….and a sigh… of letting go.
With this, a poem is written and I see a glimpse of the rainbow. After embracing all the hurt, I know that my cure is just beyond…few steps away after the tears.
“Between the noise in my head
I could hear the silence of a weeping thought
Shedding tears for words unsaid
Wailing for messages unsent.
Between the sliding of a borrowed pen
I could hear the silence of a beating heart
As it rhymes with the sound
Of a ticking clock.
Between the shattering and crashing of broken dreams
I could hear the silent hope struggling to survive
Using its left strength and courage
To fix whatever is crashed.
Between my walls and my world
My dreams and my reality
My smile and my tears
Between the disillusionment and of not giving up…
You are my panacea…”
- Bahagi ng Isang Alaala - November 7, 2015
- My Moment - November 7, 2015
- Blurred - July 24, 2015
- NOT NOW…NOT AGAIN - June 23, 2015
- Duyan - May 13, 2014
- Let me - February 5, 2014
- To the “One” - December 13, 2013
- Not My Lucid Interval - November 13, 2013
- For Now - July 31, 2013
- Girl in the Mirror - July 15, 2013