Back to that cold dawn, and I feel the chill creep to my heart again.
And I remember fear in his eyes as he quietly begged me to let him stay. I felt nothing, except a slight chill, and the unfamiliar numbness that held my heart tight. It won’t let in a sound nor the tiniest light.
It felt so dark and I could tell my eyes were blank. It was as if I see things but I wasn’t there. As if I’m looking at it through someone else’s eyes.
It’s a wonder how numbness could make things different. I wasn’t crying. And it made it easy to let go of everything. My heart wanted some escape, but the darkness won’t let it.
It wasn’t until a few days when my tears found their way on the surface. Even then, I tried to hide them. They came out in the dead of the night, in the darkest corners of the house, where I could cower for a few minutes, while everyone was peaceful in their sleep.
And until now, I find it most terrifying, when darkness fall. Not because I was afraid of it, but what it brought. I wasn’t afraid of ghosts, except of memories he left. The nights were literally endless and my sleep, so restless. I was lucky to get a few minutes of rest, because scary dreams that kept me awake. His betrayal haunted me in my sleep.
I got tired. And I got fed up. He did me wrong, but I was still the one who suffered much. The questions never left, so did the nightmares and the heartache. Even now, they still visit me when I least expect them.
And if I would have the chance to go back to that moment, I would never ask him to leave. Not because I had been wrong (we both knew I wasn’t). Or because I would rather he keeps taking me for a fool.
But what difference does it make? I am still tormented, by a different pain. I was made to pay for someone else’s mistakes.
What difference would it do if he left or I made him stay?
It might have been a different choice — a different monster I would have faced — but I was made to endure the same pain, and the same scars and bruises that won’t ever go away.