I have a lot to count…
But I’ve never counted them, not until our roads met again. I saw you from afar; you were looking towards the direction I was headed so I decided to act as if I never saw you, like I never saw anyone I knew. I just walked straight without looking back, without looking at you. Then I realized, is it right? That might be the chance to say sorry? You might smile back? Maybe you’re not mad at me anymore? Maybe, I’m forgiven? But then on the other hand, I felt like I just did what was convenient. I never did anything so you don’t need to do anything, I don’t need to expect any and it’s easy to have it that way.
It never stopped there; you initiated chats that surprised me. You asked things I never even imagined I would hear from you ever again. From there we’ve had conversations which you always initiated day by day. It brought me peace of mind because maybe I can define it as you being okay with all the things that happened in the past, of me being forgiven.
You’re keeping my phone busy every night like it will never ring tomorrow. I never get most of the calls and we never had a conversation over phone because you never tell who you are.
You expect me to remember your voice but I don’t know why I never remember it. Maybe I lost it somewhere my head or maybe I keep it so deep that time made me forget where I kept it? I think I lost you.
I lost you…
I am sorry with all my heart.
Six years ago, through a common friend you’ve asked me if we can talk but I refused because he never allowed me to. I wanted to but I can’t and from then I’m sorry.
Seven years ago, you almost punched a friend’s face because you’re afraid he’ll hurt me, but I never listened to you. What you don’t know back then is that I never listened to any of you. I never sided to him. I understand you but you chose to stay away from me.
Eight years ago, I failed you. I’ve had my first boyfriend which to be honest I feel he’s less important than you. Despite that, you continue to be faithful on what you feel for me. Respect, love and trust.
Nine years ago, you’ve loved me with all your heart. I know that, even from the very first letter you’ve gave me up to the last 🙁 You’re my first ever hero. I’m not sure if you still remember it, but you’ve saved me. You’re the first person who did that to me and happened to be the last until today? Until today that you came back, you came back in my life, maybe… But without the old you. Maybe you’ve lost it.
You’ve lost your old self…
Or maybe you decided to leave the old you.
Maybe it’s easy?
Maybe it’s convenient?
As we talked, I feel a lot more sorry.
But what if I never lost you?
What if I’m strong enough way back then?