I go on about life pretending everything would be fine — eventually.
And I keep holding on to Hope and in Faith, as if it doesn’t falter, even when it does at times. I tried and keep trying still to live up to how people perceive me, not because I aim to please them. I just hate to be a bad example to the young ones and the innocent at heart. Although, more often, it gets me tired and fed up.
All these battle scars, I wear them proud. Or at least, they say I do. But to be honest, they scare me and I find them all ugly. I am not proud of it. I just taught myself to hide my shame, because I had to bear them.
Why? Because I wanted someone else not to cower of fear because of theirs. And I know I’m being a fake, telling them about the beauty of it. But all I mean to say, is that they are beautiful because of and despite what they had been through. They needed someone’s assurance and I get it how we all tend to quietly hope for a fellow believer. I know how a word of comfort makes a whole lot of difference. Sometimes, that’s all we need to keep going.
And I am not honest. I tell people what they need to hear, but deep within, I don’t even believe myself. What hope is there? But I would rather keep that in. Why spread negativity? Even when I feel hopeless, I won’t want anyone else to be. Let my chains be kept hidden. No one else needs them.
And they think, I’ve made my shield tough. What they don’t know is I shiver at the slightest touch. All these fears I won’t ever let show, and all these pain and tears I won’t want anyone else to know.
Why don’t I seek help? I did. I tried. Just that no one really listened. And the one who could have, I had driven away. I feared that eventually, I might destroy him. And it brought me a lot of tears and despair. Until now, I haven’t forgiven myself for it.
And when I see someone’s eyes, I know if there’s pain within. I’ve been there and I somehow know how it feels. So I try as much to be a silent ally. Because I know how much it hurts to have no one and how ugly it gets you rotten on the inside. And these monsters I keep, I won’t wish for my enemies.
I smile, and I am thankful still. Because those I love are well, despite the trials we all face. And if there is something else I pray for, it’s for my chains to be hidden still. And for all the ugliness to stop and not reach them.
And I would die happy, if all the evil would not be passed on. Not the pain. Not the despair. Not the hopelessness. And I pray, most of all, is that those I love be kept safe. And that all the monsters I keep would not hurt anyone else, but be buried with me on my grave.