Is It Really Goodbye?

The countdown begins…in 24 days I’ll be seeing you again. So many questions are popping in my head now. What do I expect to happen? How are we going to face each other? Are you going to hug me, or kiss me again? Could we still look each other in the eye? Will it ever be the same again? aah, questions…

Our last conversation left me feeling devastated. I wasn’t expecting that we would soon come to this. I felt numb hearing you say goodbye, thanking me for all the years that we’ve been together. I was speechless, tongue-tied. Tears were just flowing like a river. I didn’t know what to say. I was all ears to you, while you were expressing your feelings.

It was just mind-blowing to hear you say it…goodbye. Is it really goodbye?

I was frozen like a mannequin, but I was listening to every word you were saying. Then I heard you say that you still love me, but that you were just getting tired of the situation…you said you wished that I didn’t leave you. Said I didn’t have to go away.

You talked about feeling like a child that was left by his mother to fend for himself, alone and deserted. Talked about telling your friends how much you missed the way I cared for you and the kids. You talked about opening your eyes in the morning seeing me beside you. Talked about the mornings you woke up with your coffee waiting on the table.

You just went on babbling and I was like in a trance absorbing every word. You reminisced about the night-caps we used to have, under the moon shining bright, as always with two cups of steaming coffee, just talking about anything under the moon. And you said you badly miss the wife and the mother who took care of you and the kids everyday…

Did I hear you sobbing? Or was it my own anguished cries?

Then came a pause…it felt like eternity to wait for the next word you’re going to utter. I was expecting, hoping against hope that I heard you wrong the first time. I even tried to think of a word that rhymed with goodbye. Crazy…but I did! I was in denial, praying that you would never say it again. Wishing you would never repeat it to me. Hoping I would never hear it again.

I was just there at the other end of the phone line, waiting, listening. Afraid to say anything. I was just holding my breath and trying to control the erratic beating of my heart, trying to restrain myself from breaking down. The next five minutes seemed like forever.

In my mind, I was saying, “Please God, don’t let him say it again. Rather let him take it back.” I was wishing he’d tell me it was just a joke.

But I was wrong… the word came crashing through me like a projectile and shattered my spirit into pieces. It pierced me right through my heart and soul, sending tortuous pain in all of my being.

I felt like the world has fallen over me. I felt its weight pushing me down under. You were still talking, saying things that were already beyond my comprehension. I was really crushed. The pain tore through my heart. Then I felt numb. The tears stopped falling. I felt like floating in a limbo. Then you fell silent…

The world stopped for a moment. Neither of us had said a word… I guess it was now my turn to say something… my eyes are dry and hurting. It seemed like my tears already ran out. My heart seemed to stop beating. I felt cold and numbed. I tried to utter a word and I was surprised to find my voice, cracked, but I still managed to send my message clear too…

What did I say to him? Well, your guess is as good as mine…

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