There is no question that the temptation of looking outside our shore has been the strongest solution for many Filipina who have experienced heartbreak and failed marriage with a Filipino. The judgmental culture of marrying a single Filipina – which to them are the only ones deserving to be brought to the altar – hinders these women to be taken seriously. No children out of wedlock or previous marriage, so it makes it impossible for her if she is separated, abandoned and annulled, to have a second chance in life.
You cannot blame them; mostly they are used for sexual favors or an extra fund by a Filipino who wants money for himself or his family if he is married, and the separated woman happens to have money.
She becomes an easy target for the horny single man who disapproves of commitment – a regular sex partner with no strings attached. A toy to be played at using the promise of eternal love and devotion which the ex husband failed to give her; hence, he becomes the savior of the damsel in distress. The poor girl with low self esteem, bruised, vulnerable, and weak from a broken marriage falls to this wolf in sheep’s clothing every time.
And so the search in the internet begins…
I would not disqualify that one of the compelling reason could also be the promise of a better life – an escape route using her charm but no genuine love. But I will not dwell on that.
I would like to look at the rosier side of these relationships- the hopeless romantic brown-skinned Filipina, staring in the eyes of the blue or brown eyed white guy. She holds his hands, looking to the future with so much hope, with his love in her arms.
The “Love in The Time of Yolanda” documentary by Jessica Soho in her show “Jessica Soho Reports” – beautifully presented the love between two people from different countries amidst the chaos Typhoon Yolanda brought. It has all the ingredient of a love story worthy of filming.
The couple has been chatting for eight months and has not met in person. The guy arrived for the first time to find out what happened to his girlfriend. He could not contact her for three days after Typhoon Haiyan hit the Philippines and this made him very worried. The only call he got was from the girl’s brother telling him the girl is in the hospital. She was hit by their door when it flew from the strong wind. He packed his bags, sold his car for a very cheap price and flew on the next flight. He found her in the hospital badly bruised and she almost lost her leg if he did not come to her rescue. Last I heard, he has already brought her to Canada with her young son.
Interracial relationships just like any other relationships can also be true and pure. No matter how many jealous eyes make this idea loathsome. Blame this on some entrepreneurial few who made breaking a foreigner’s heart a lucrative business.
She has to be prepared for the disdain look of the people in public places. Their only knowledge is limited to the benefits one can get from dating a foreigner, such as the gifts the Filipina gets when he arrives to see her. Sometimes even cash, to show he is committed in taking care of her. Some can be so generous that they build huge houses and transform the life of the Filipina in her town and become a modern day Cinderella to the envy of many.
Love is love no matter what language, no matter what color. But love is expressed in different ways and the Filipina should be wary of that. She should learn the culture and be able to blend with it. The cultural difference is an everyday adventure – that makes it exciting for both. The newness of everything- from his smell, his habits and the mystery of his country he brings with him.
Many foreigners choose Filipina because we are very well known as submissive, family-oriented and very devoted to family. Some have an idea that part of being a Filipina is the quality of servitude she gives to her husband; therefore a lot is expected of her. This is not meaning that she has no expectations too.
Trust and being trustworthy plays the biggest part in this kind of relationship. In the Philippines the wife normally handles the husband’s earnings which have been the practice here. But elsewhere especially in the west, the husband is not required to hand it over to the wife or partner. She will only get a certain allowance or worst none – so she has to have her own job. And most Filipina are capable of supporting themselves.
Sometimes we have a very poor opinion of our own people that we always think that money is always the reason why someone is dating or marrying a foreigner. We cannot look past the financial aspect of it. Some would even say – “she is just after the visa”. This could hold true for some, but surely not for everyone. The challenge of a Filipina in this relationship is the monetary side and how to prove that her love for him is genuine and that she is not a freeloader.
Though it is more disheartening for the African-American because they get persecuted by their own people when they date a white guy, I guess the pain is the same when a Filipina is looked upon as a gold-digger hoping to set foot on American soil by her fellow Filipinos.
Sometimes the attitude of some Filipinos when they see an interracial couple here in the Philippines is very disappointing.
I once overheard two women at the mall talking after they saw an American with a Filipina with some of her family. The woman whispered “Do you know not all Americans have money? Not because they are Americans, they automatically have money – some of them are even poor in their country.” Then she went on to say- “Few nights ago we sang Christmas carols in one of my neighbors house, she has an American boyfriend staying in her house – can you imagine she just gave us one hundred pesos, we were expecting five hundred to one thousand.”
I was confused as to her statement. If she thinks they are poor – why would she expect the girlfriend to give away large amount to them? Should she give away five hundred for everyone who passes their house just because she has an American boyfriend? The interracial couple are normally just like everyone else, they pay their bills – and have their own obligations. They are not to give free money or tokens to just everyone because they can, even if they can.
Interracial relationship is not for everyone. You have to set your mind to it and learn to overcome the many issues that will confront you. Your friends even the closes ones have something to say. The community will have different reactions and you have to undermine this for the relationship to survive. After all it is you who decides who you want to be with.
I heard from a friend that her German boyfriend in their heated argument said that she only wanted him as a trophy boyfriend and is just after his money, just because she has other errands and could not be in the computer all the time. It leads me to believe that some of the foreigners get into this relationship with a set belief that they are superior in looks and has more to bring to the table than the Filipina. I have always believed that every relationship is equal and whatever you put in it is the product of your love for each other. Therefore, words like those have no place in a matured and loving interracial relationship. A Filipina should be brave enough, not to let anyone trample her just because, that person feels he has the upper hand.
The language is also a challenge. Yes we know the English language, we speak it and we can communicate. The question is, can we communicate well to keep this person interested in us or convey what we really mean.
Some Filipinas only thrive with small phrases such as, “You hungry? Come here, you want this?” Etc. I guess it all depends how intellectually you want your relationship to be. But I strongly believe, for a relationship to work – you should be able to effectively express yourself and communicate on a higher level than a toddler. After all when there is nothing else to do, you have to talk to each other and talk has to be interesting. You need to have a common interest. I noticed that interracial relationships that worked are people who share their love for certain sports like diving or biking to mention a few. Boredom can easily creep in once the excitement dies down.
But there are deeper things to consider. Would the guy want to have kids? Will the relationship lead to marriage? Where will you settle? And so many other things you only discovered after marrying him. Does he have secrets you do not know of, like fetishes and past relationships that could be harmful to your life together? Is he capable of remaining faithful since his culture is very free and allows them to move from relationship to relationship without further explaining?
When the relationship fails and cannot be fixed, the Filipina will most of the time choose to look for another foreigner. Her life will no longer be a breeze from this time on as she will be branded as someone with bad reputation and is just playing with the foreigners-when sometimes it is the foreigner who played her well.
I guess once a Filipina falls in love with a foreigner – she will never go back to love another Filipino. No matter what price she has to pay.