Interracial Relationship: Filipina on the Spotlight

 There is no question that the temptation of looking outside our shore has been the strongest solution for many Filipina who have experienced heartbreak and failed marriage with a Filipino. The judgmental culture of marrying a single Filipina – which to them are the only ones deserving to be brought to the altar – hinders these women to be taken seriously. No children out of wedlock or previous marriage, so it makes it impossible for her if she is separated, abandoned and annulled, to have a second chance in life.

You cannot blame them; mostly they are used for sexual favors or an extra fund by a Filipino who wants money for himself or his family if he is married, and the separated woman happens to have money.

She becomes an easy target for the horny single man who disapproves of commitment – a regular sex partner with no strings attached. A toy to be played at using the promise of eternal love and devotion which the ex husband failed to give her; hence, he becomes the savior of the damsel in distress. The poor girl with low self esteem, bruised, vulnerable, and weak from a broken marriage falls to this wolf in sheep’s clothing every time.

There are also singles images (3)who choose to marry a foreigner, snubbing the brown race. They prefer the bigger built, white skinned and celebrity-looking foreigner.

And so the search in the internet begins…

I would not disqualify that one of the compelling reason could also be the promise of a better life – an escape route using her charm but no genuine love.  But I will not dwell on that.

I would like to look at the rosier side of these relationships- the hopeless romantic brown-skinned Filipina, staring in the eyes of the blue or brown eyed white guy. She holds his hands, looking to the future with so much hope, with his love in her arms.

The “Love in The Time of Yolanda” documentary by Jessica Soho in her show “Jessica Soho Reports” – beautifully presented the love between two people from different countries amidst the chaos Typhoon Yolanda brought. It has all the ingredient of a love story worthy of filming.

The couple has been chatting for eight months and has not met in person. The guy arrived for the first time to find out what happened to his girlfriend. He could not contact her for three days after Typhoon Haiyan hit the Philippines and this made him very worried. The only call he got was from the girl’s brother telling him the girl is in the hospital. She was hit by their door when it flew from the strong wind. He packed his bags, sold his car for a very cheap price and flew on the next flight. He found her in the hospital badly bruised and she almost lost her leg if he did not come to her rescue. Last I heard, he has already brought her to Canada with her young son.

Interracial relationships just like any other relationships can also be true and pure. No matter how many jealous eyes make this idea loathsome. Blame this on some entrepreneurial few who made breaking a foreigner’s heart a lucrative business.

She has to be prepared for the disdain look of the people in public places. Their only knowledge is limited to the benefits one can get from dating a foreigner, such as the gifts the Filipina gets when he arrives to see her. Sometimes even cash, to show he is committed in taking care of her. Some can be so generous that they build huge houses and transform the life of the Filipina in her town and become a modern day Cinderella to the envy of many.

Love is love no matter what language, no matter what color. But love is expressed in different ways and the Filipina should be wary of that. She should learn the culture and be able to blend with it. The cultural difference is an everyday adventure – that makes it exciting for both. The newness of everything- from his smell, his habits and the mystery of his country he brings with him.

Many foreigners choose Filipina because we are very well known as submissive, family-oriented and very devoted to family. Some have an idea that part of being a Filipina is the quality of servitude she gives to her husband; therefore a lot is expected of her. This is not meaning that she has no expectations too.

Trust and being trustworthy plays the biggest part in this kind of relationship. In the Philippines the wife normally handles the husband’s earnings which have been the practice here. But elsewhere especially in the west, the husband is not required to hand it over to the wife or partner. She will only get a certain allowance or worst none – so she has to have her own job. And most Filipina are capable of supporting themselves.

Sometimes we have a very poor opinion of our own people that we always think that money is always the reason why someone is dating or marrying a foreigner. We cannot look past the financial aspect of it. Some would even say – “she is just after the visa”. This could hold true for some, but surely not for everyone. The challenge of a Filipina in this relationship is the monetary side and how to prove that her love for him is genuine and that she is not a freeloader.

Though it is more disheartening for the African-American because they get persecuted by their own people when they date a white guy, I guess the pain is the same when a Filipina is looked upon as a gold-digger hoping to set foot on American soil by her fellow Filipinos.

Sometimes the attitude of some Filipinos when they see an interracial couple here in the Philippines is very disappointing.

I once overheard two women at the mall talking after they saw an American with a Filipina with some of her family. The woman whispered “Do you know not all Americans have money? Not because they are Americans, they automatically have money – some of them are even poor in their country.” Then she went on to say- “Few nights ago we sang Christmas carols in one of my neighbors house, she has an American boyfriend staying in her house – can you imagine she just gave us one hundred pesos, we were expecting five hundred to one thousand.”

I was confused as to her statement. If she thinks they are poor – why would she expect the girlfriend to give away large amount to them? Should she give away five hundred for everyone who passes their house just because she has an American boyfriend?  The interracial couple are normally just like everyone else, they pay their bills – and have their own obligations. They are not to give free money or tokens to just everyone because they can, even if they can.

Interracial relationship is not for everyone. You have to set your mind to it and learn to overcome the many issues that will confront you. Your friends even the closes ones have something to say. The community will have different reactions and you have to undermine this for the relationship to survive. After all it is you who decides who you want to be with.

I heard from a friend that her German boyfriend in their heated argument said that she only wanted him as a trophy boyfriend and is just after his money, just because she has other errands and could not be in the computer all the time. It leads me to believe that some of the foreigners get into this relationship with a set belief that they are superior in looks and has more to bring to the table than the Filipina. I have always believed that every relationship is equal and whatever you put in it is the product of your love for each other. Therefore, words like those have no place in a matured and loving interracial relationship. A Filipina should be brave enough, not to let anyone trample her just because, that person feels he has the upper hand.

The language is also a challenge. Yes we know the English language, we speak it and we can communicate. The question is, can we communicate well to keep this person interested in us or convey what we really mean.

Some Filipinas only thrive with small phrases such as, “You hungry? Come here, you want this?” Etc. I guess it all depends how intellectually you want your relationship to be. But I strongly believe, for a relationship to work – you should be able to effectively express yourself and communicate on a higher level than a toddler. After all when there is nothing else to do, you have to talk to each other and talk has to be interesting. You need to have a common interest. I noticed that interracial relationships that worked are people who share their love for certain sports like diving or biking to mention a few. Boredom can easily creep in once the excitement dies down.

But there are deeper things to consider. Would the guy want to have kids? Will the relationship lead to marriage? Where will you settle? And so many other things you only discovered after marrying him. Does he have secrets you do not know of, like fetishes and past relationships that could be harmful to your life together?  Is he capable of remaining faithful since his culture is very free and allows them to move from relationship to relationship without further explaining?

When the relationship fails and cannot be fixed, the Filipina will most of the time choose to look for another foreigner. Her life will no longer be a breeze from this time on as she will be branded as someone with bad reputation and is just playing with the foreigners-when sometimes it is the foreigner who played her well.

I guess once a Filipina falls in love with a foreigner – she will never go back to love another Filipino. No matter what price she has to pay.

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21 Comments

  1. I am married to an American and we have a son, and he treat me as his equal partner, we argue or agree to disagree on some matters but he never once made me fee like he has the upper hand, yes for now that our son is still young I stay at home to take care of him thus he is the sole earner of the family but as my husband said my time will come to help with our finances… I am a registered chemist and was practicing as one when I met my husband online through a common friend. Since I was already in my mid-30’s when I met my husband, there is no need in beating around the bush, we met, we liked each other, we feel that we are compatible so we got married and had been enjoying 4 years of bliss going to our 5th… I am not saying its a smooth sailing of course, but as what the article had pointed out maybe its because we have very good communication and my husband treat me as his equal so we are able to talk things out whenever we have something we do not agree on… We would just say, “lets just agree to disagree…” But yes this article has a lot of biased views and stereotyping into it but I think that is what the author wanted to point out, the stereotyping of the narrow-minded few. And I hate to admit it but as educated as I am I still have some of that narrow-mindedness thought about Filipinas with a non-Filipino bf or husband before I met my husband… And now, I could say I know better… I love my husband with all of my heart, and no, my husband is not rich, I love him for who he is not for what he is…

  2. Sometimes I wonder- are our countries friends or are they enemies? We’ve fought side by side in WWII, we have shared history and culture. Thousands upon thousands of Americans lie dead in Philippine cemeteries. Many shed their blood for the country to be free.

    And you just reduced all these people to one simple phrase: ‘ foreigners’. Sounds like pure stereotyping to me.

    3-4 million Filipinos live here in the US. We never refer to them as ‘brown race’ or ‘foreigners’.

    And that picture you showed is so untrue. If the people there were so racist as shown on it, no one would even dream of going to such a terrible place. Everywhere I go in the Philippines, I see Pinays married to all kinds of nationalities- most people are so happy to see that. Some are jealous though because they see how happy they are.

  3. I very bemused right now. I have several points to tackle here that i want to speak my mind to…

    Point 1: Profiling Filipinas who has foreigner bf. I don’t see why the
    author needs to profile only those who are separated,unwed mothers,
    single who wants a trophy bf. Seriously, If there could have been more
    research on interracial relationship. There are Filipinas who are
    professional may it be young or mature that has foreigner bf. And not
    all Filipinas who has foreigner bf are in Philippines.

    Point 2: To have bf then eventually a husband to escape the plight of
    poverty. It is preconceived opinion to all. Although some are really
    doing it but never generalized all of them. So as about gold
    digger,wants green card and only looks for white guys with green or
    brown eyes. LOL as in LOL.. Can the author think of
    Europeans,Australian,Canadians,Koreans, South African, Latin Americans
    and so? I for one has a Flemish bf and we are in our early 30s. I don’t
    asked him money nor he is my trophy bf. And i work abroad too. We just
    love,respect and we jive to each other. We are young couple who wants to
    celebrate and enjoy our relationship.

    Point 3: Not all
    Filipinas are submissive… This is so old story profiling the Spanish
    Era Maria Clara… Young Filipina women right now are dynamic, they
    speak their minds, achiever and strong willed. To me the submissive word
    is unsettling. It is something that the guy said and you will just say
    YES all the time…I guess now, young Filipina like me is rallying for
    equality and supposed relationship is partnership not one is above the
    other? Which by the way my bf loves because i speak my mind and i have
    my own opinion on things. Can we changed submissive into open minded and
    receptive.

    Point 4: Racial Discrimination by our own
    countrymen. Nah!! it is just a sheer jealousy may it be love,happiness
    or good life that the woman has attained in having a relationship with a
    foreigner bf…

    Point 5: Language Barrier!!! Oh my This is another way of profiling…Again never generalized Filipinas…

    Point 6: Things to consider? I won’t agree to this! Why would you think of
    the future questions like going into marriage? Yes it is good to have a
    strong relationship that leads to marriage. It is every woman’s dreams
    to be married to the one they love or want to be with. The thing here is
    that the author needs to know that you cannot predict what will
    happened in the relationship. Should it be that the best suggestion is
    to enjoy the relationship, being yourself and taking care or nurturing
    the relationship first before jumping into marriage and all that
    marriage and compatibility questions? That is why you call it
    relationship because you need to know each other’s imperfections and you
    can either embrace or compromise with it which is why you love the
    person in the first place.

    Point 7:Conclusion…. Yes
    you can only guess but we will never know what is the fate of every
    Filipina may it be with the foreigner again or Filipino after a
    relationship. It depends on the prerogative of the woman who she wants
    after a failed relationship with a foreigner.

    By the way, one good point, ive read is about the Arab-Canadian guy Houssam and
    Filipina Grace’ s story as an example of true love. They have one of the most inspiring love story for long distance and interracial relationship.

  4. Foreigner= White= American= English- Emigrate.

    The usual stereotypes and they’re oozing into your article.

    Not all foreigners are white. Not all foreigners are American. Not all of them meet people on the Internet. Not all of them speak English. Hey, last time I checked, Koreans were foreigners, too. It’s not English she will have to learn or improve- but Korean, And in Germany, it would be German. Filipinos speak better English than most Germans, by the way.

    Now, the trend is often not for her to go to his country but for many to settle in the Philippines with their wives. I see it everywhere in the country now. People coming and settling there and not taking the wife to the ” States’. Many are buying houses and living the Filipino life. That should also be covered.

      • The Philippines is now becoming a booming Asian tiger. Everything is growing, developing. There are many jobs and opportunities everywhere. Why is it some people are stuck in the past where the US is the capital of the Universe with gold lying on the streets? The US has weak economy now, Asia has strong economy. The future is in Asia. You want a foreign BF? Invite him to settle in your country. Make it glorious for all.

  5. Overall, I have to admit that I am pretty offended by this article…

    I am not offended by the writer. This person wrote a balanced piece that showed many facets of an issue. I am offended by the fact that Filipinos think that ALL white men are ATMs to be used at their pleasure. I am offended by the fact that racism exists in a place that is SUPPOSED to be “Christian”. I am offended that men use women as sex objects, no matter where they come from.

    I can tell you that I have been living in the Philippines for only 3 months, but I am already sick and tired of every person that I try to date, the family asks me for money…the CONSTANT barrage of attacks and shoving by the Bajao here in Iligan City to get money, and the weird looks I get from people if I am walking next to a Filipina.

    Everyone in life deserves to find their special someone and be happy. Everyone deserves the same respect and dignity that they show to others. I was raised as a Southern gentleman in the U.S., so why am I so different that I am supposed to be used for money and treated badly by others? Why do I not deserve that same amount of respect that I ALWAYS show to everyone else?

    It seems the best people that I have met here are the ones who work in the Immigration office. They are quite friendly, and I really enjoy my visit every time I go there…but that is the only place so far.

        • @joseph price – damn straight, “facepalm”. I guess people should just really stop stereotyping the Filipina because for all we know, this kind of sh*t happens all around the globe, regardless of ethnicity. It just so happened that the spotlight is on the Filipinas because again, STEREOTYPING. There are still a huge number of women who just want a real, solid relationship, interracial or not. You just need to look in the right places. 🙂

          • It’s true It’s just that the media brainwashed many people in SE Asia with the image of a rich white person. Blame Hollywood for it.

            • Oh I am completely tracking you, David. Hollywood has been a thorn in the side of reality for a long time. I just wish that people would stop buying into the hype and get a reality check.

    • I am Filipina and i have a German boyfriend, I could share to anyone my experience and opinion.
      I am not rich Filipina I am poor as anyone could think .
      its so hard for me to think when I hear Filipina talking about money all the time . I lost most of my Filipina friends the fact that I can only treat them once in a while in famous restaurant or is just a surprise moment when the bill come and everyone pointed at you. they always ask , no not even asking one friend says i want to borrow money from you !!! wow like a command with the numbers. I can’t lend them such amount of money. they always told me, you have a German boyfriend YOU SHOULD TREAT US AND LEND US YOUR MONEY. my only answers MY BOYFRIEND IS NOT ATM MACHINE !!

      It seems like most of Filipina this way, opinionated and judmental. I have my own Job and I never ask money from him for my family.
      I love my boyfriend he treat me so well, and we are waiting for our marriage date this year.

      • i totally agree on this. my fiance is not an ATM machine and those friends are not understanding enough and not well informed that like filipinos they work hard too for their money. i hope everyone understands that 🙁 it really sucks. but i STRONGLY agree that they really do treat us well in a way 🙂

    • America- the richest most powerful nation in the world ( repeated on TV, in the movies and beamed into Filipino homes for the past 60-70 years or so). Money is nothing to us, is it?

    • Joseph, i agree with most of what you said and regarding your 3 mos stay here, sad to hear about your experience but you’re obviously at the wrong place, dating/meeting the wrong kind of filipinos.

    • i totally understand that ,., not everyone in the Philippines is like that though, you might be dating someone thats not compatible with you. im engaged to an american and we are happy , my family understands that he is not rich and US is not really a great place to live in these days. and sad to say the taxes suck big time. me and my fiance work hard together and try to understand that we are not rich but we can together make that happen . i hope you meet your match. not all filipino families are like that its just sometimes hard to find. good luck on your search and god bless

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