“Dont go. Please stay…”
He grabbed my arms while I was packing my things. I gave him a cold stare then continued to collect my things. His eyes were begging for another chance to make things right, he was crying at this moment. I never imagined him to be this weak. Never did I think that this day, he’ll beg me to stay.
Of course I love him, I still do but giving in this time would just make things worse. I gave him countless chances and dozens and dozens of forgiveness. I swallowed my pride just to keep things going. I waited for him to take this relationship into a higher level. I patiently withstand all the heartaches he caused me. When he’s mad, he expects me to be there but eventually leave me when he thinks he doesn’t need me. I felt unlovable and insecure. I had this feeling that he doesn’t want me to see his thoughts, his feelings and his fears.
So I stepped up my game. I waited for him to miss me so he would come back. I waited patiently for him to need me. When he came back, I welcomed him with a warm hug, I didn’t even bother to ask what happened. He’s here, what else matters? And for a period of time, we were happy. I gave all my time for him. I took care of him. I set aside the things I need just to be there for him all the time. I loved him more than love can define. I defied gravity and make impossible possible just for me to be there whenever he’s down. I almost gave up all my friends just to have more time because I THOUGHT he needs me. I THOUGHT he realized my worth.
Then one day, I realized that I’m no longer the woman I imagined and dreamed when I was younger. I am no longer the person I’m supposed to be. I looked ugly and stressed. I began to question what happened. What happened to the girl who is unstoppable? What happened to the person who can manage her time? What happened to the girl who’s always there to console her broken friends?
I must admit, I lost myself on the course of relationship. Giving your 100% in a relationship is not a crime, its not even considered as stupidity but you have to remember your self worth. You have to remember that you have a purpose aside from being a supportive partner.
Just when I was about to talk to him about what I am thinking, he broke up with me with no apparent reason. I felt devastated. I felt like all the planets crushed in my head. And that night, I had my loudest cry. I cried until my heart went sober. I cried til my throat went dry. I cried til my eyes can no longer produce tears.
I RAISED THE WHITE FLAG. I have to give up and move on with my life. I have to fight back the pain. I must win this battle no matter how hard and rough the road may be.
After weeks of depression, I realized that staying in the dark corners won’t help. So I started to reinvent myself. Slowly, I came out of my box again. Slowly, I began to appreciate that there’s life outside a damaged and broken relationship. That our hearts, no matter how wounded it is will heal in time and if you have the mantra of acceptance.
Life goes on as they say. I accepted the job offer overseas. And tonight, as I pack my things he knocked at my door begging. Begging for me to stay because he needs me.
I’ve been waiting for centuries for him to realize that. But its too late. Though I still love him, I will not give up all my efforts to move on just to go back to where the white flag is standing. I won’t make that U-Turn. I won’t turn my back to a one sided love. I won’t give up my new-found self for second chances and endless forgiveness.
Sometimes, too much forgiveness makes you forget how valuable you are. Offering endless chances just to make things work often makes you forget who you really are. Giving way and lowering your pride is a virtue, but admit it, sometimes it destroys your self worth.