It all started on my first day of class in law school. I was sitting uncomfortably while waiting for the professor to come in, feeling like an outcast. People in the room seem to know each other for years; but being the loner that I am, I chose to distance myself. All the noise disappeared when a man—tall, dark, and ruggedly handsome, entered the room. He has this powerful personality that could leave everyone breathless. He was looking for a vacant seat, and he found one…next to mine. That’s where the story begins.
‘Oliver’ is not the typical student you know. He barely talks. In class, he only opened his mouth during our dreaded recitations. He was the only one who bravely debated with our professor in Political Law class– the very reason why he failed that subject despite his fatty brain cells and valid legal stands. Being his seatmate for that whole semester, I have learned a lot about him. And being the only friend that he gained in the class, we had regular trips to a nearby coffee shop to study together and talk about everything under the sun. But there is a subject that he had always avoided to talk about– his family life.
I woke up one day being secretly in love with this man. He is interesting and his elusiveness got me thinking about him every single day. As time passed by, he admitted that he felt the same for me. I swear I was the happiest woman in the planet at that very moment. We were each other’s best friend and support system. I imagined a very bright future with him, considering the similar path we were traversing.
The enrolment for second semester begins. I called him so we could enroll together but when he picked me up from my office, he said we’re going nowhere. He said that he has decided to stop studying. I was speechless. He then continued, saying our laws are bullshit and he could not imagine burying himself in the ‘senseless’ law books that we are forced to study. I suddenly thought of our dreams and reminded him of the reasons why we chose to enter law school in the first place. Mine is to serve my country better as a patriotic civil servant, and his is to be an advocate of the poor and the ‘oppressed’. A perfect combination, I thought. But he did not react. That was the time he admitted his dark secret… he is a guerilla leader.
I was shocked and I hoped that he was just kidding, but he’s not. I never thought that an insurgent could look this good. I think that is way too gorgeous and brilliant to be a member of the New People’s Army. But he is. His whole family is. It was a lengthy conversation but as a respect for what we’ve had, I will just keep that to myself. To put it simpler, it did not end good, and we both decided to part ways.
One month has passed, and I still can’t get this man out of my head. I was always tempted to call him and say that I am ready for reconciliation. But my mind, will never, ever, be ruled by my heart. Sure, this person rocks my world. It breaks my heart, but I will never try to get back with this man.
I don’t know what to call what we’ve had. I was sure about my feelings, but not with him. Maybe it was not true love after all because I did not even try to fix it and fight for it. I just wanted to wake up one day, seeing his call, and hear that he is ready to leave the kind of life that he has now so we could start building our dreams together.
That did not happen, but it is ok.
It is better to leave it that way as I could not see myself in the mountains, meeting with armed group with misaligned minds, plotting attacks against our communities. Against the country that I love so dearly.
Now I understand why he looks deeply troubled, despite him being quiet. He is a miserable man, and I am sure all of their members are, because they are driven by hatred. Peace is just a decision away for them to make, but they choose to be governed by resentment.
I don’t deserve that kind of man. I deserve a peaceful life.
I genuinely love him, but I know I will be happier to end up with a man who shares the same love that I have for my country. I am a driven civil servant by day, and a law student by night. It is not easy, but I know it will be worth it in the end. This country needs the kind of love that I have been generously giving it. Had I decided to get back with my ’guerilla love’, these sacrifices will be put in vain.
I can find another love, but not another motherland.
Update: I heard from a friend that he did not quit; he is now enrolled in another law school. We are studying for different reasons… hope in the future, we could face each other and through my own example, prove to him that love (for country) will always prevail over hate. He is dangerous for my heart, but even dangerous for the kind of profession I want to be a part of. We study law to live by it, not to use it for any evil intentions.