Heartbroken 102 : Shattered pieces

shattered_glass_by_efrances-d4oz4d2Sa panahon ngayon, hindi na bago ang mga usaping hiwalayan. I know of couples who ended up going their separate ways. Of those people who tried – and failed – to make their relationship work.

Akala ko, a relationship’s road to failure will be marked by countless fights and misundertandings. Hindi ba dapat mararamdaman mo muna that your relationship is ending – before it actually ends?

Being in a relationship that requires continuous effort and hard work is beyond tiring. But what happens when the commitment you thought was worth a lifetime suddenly falls apart?

January 20, 2014

This started out as just a normal day. He went to work while I stayed at home doing the chores. At 7pm, he arrived. We ate dinner while talked about how each other’s day went. At 8pm, I started to get ready for work. Ihahatid niya dapat ako, and as I wait for him, I opened his phone to look at his messages. And that was when everything changed.

 May text message sa sent items niya, sabi dun, “Mahal, dito na ako sa bahay, txt nalang kita pagkahatid ko sknya.” Time sent – 6:54pm.

 Until now, kapag naaalala ko kung ano ‘yung nabasa ko sa text message na ‘yun, hindi ko pa rin kayang ipaliwanag nang buong-buo ‘yung exact feeling ko nung moment na ‘yun. Sobrang galit, oo. Pero hindi ko na nakuhang magwala at mag-eskandalo. He tried to explain. Pero sa linaw ng message na ‘yun, paano pa siya makapagpapaliwanag ng:  A. hindi lumalabas na sinungaling, or B. hindi magmumukhang guilty?

 Pinaalis ko siya ng bahay, and when I was alone, I thought about taking my own life. Serves him right when he comes back and finds my lifeless body. Pero naisip ko ‘yung anak namin. And because of our daughter, I gathered every single ounce of my strength, I stood up, walked out of the house and went to work.

On that fateful night, he decided to cheat on me (again), – and I decided to end our relationship.

Hindi naging madali, but my anger made the pain bearable.

For the first two nights after leaving him, lagi akong umiiyak. Pero never kong ipinakita kahit kanino na nasasaktan ako. Hindi ko hinayaang maapektuhan ang trabaho ko, dahil ayokong pati yun, kunin pa niya sa akin.

Minsan, pakiramdam ko, nagkakaroon ako ng “out of body experience”. Yun bang parang, humihiwalay ‘yung soul ko sa body ko and nakikita ko from afar ‘yung mga ginagawa ng katawan ko – kumakain, nagtatrabaho, nakikipagkuwentuhan, nabubuhay.

 After being miserable for two days, I vowed to never shed a single tear for him – ever again.

May mga nagsabi sa akin na parang hindi raw ako affected. Lagi ko lang sinasagot na ‘kawalan naman niya ‘yun. But in reality, I just don’t let myself dwell on the “what if’s” and the “what could’ve been’s”.

I mean, bakit ko pa kailangang i-torture ang sarili ko sa kaiisip sa mga pangakong hindi na niya kailanman matutupad? Bakit ko pa pahihirapan ang sarili ko sa kare-reminisce ng mga panahon na naging masaya kami? No matter how much I think about the six years  we’ve spent together, this will not change the fact that he cheated on me – twice.

 So, why prolong my suffering?

As far as I know, I have given him everything I can. He may have felt na may kulang pa rin sa akin, kaya siya naghanap ng iba, pero hindi ko na siguro kasalanan ‘yun. After all, nobody is perfect. I have tried to be the best that I can be. Siguro naman sapat na ‘yung relationship namin ‘yung sinira niya. I can’t let him destroy who I am. If I have chosen to stay with him and to just put eveything that has happened behind us, alam ko na in the years to come, I will lose who I am as a person. And if that happens, there will be no one to blame – but me.

 Kaya mas pinili ko na lumayo na lang. Besides, he had his chance, and he chose to waste it.

May mga nagtanong, hindi ko na raw ba siya mahal? Sabi ko, hindi na sa pagmamahal ‘yung problema, kundi sa tiwala. Paano ko pa mamahalin ang isang tao, kung hindi ko na siya pinagkakatiwalaan? Anong klaseng relasyon ang mamamagitan sa amin kung lagi nang may pagdududa?

Ang love, matagal mawala yan.

Kahit gaano pa man tayo nasaktan, somehow, we still care about that person.

Pero ang trust, ibang usapan. Dahil sa isang iglap, puwede itong masira, magkalamat, mawala.

About hashie

I am a woman, a nurse, and a mother who loves to read and to write. I hope that someday, my literary pieces will be enough to make a difference - no matter how small it will be - in a world that is struggling to live in a peaceful way. Please visit and like my page https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hashie/276925455677468?ref=hl