“Great But Never Good Enough” (A Message To All Parents)

lost and depressed

lost and depressed“I am proud of you.”

What child wouldn’t want to hear that from their parents?

Everyday I have tried everything just to hear those words from them. The very recent thing I’ve done is to finish college in three years and to get three articles published on the internet. But it still wasn’t enough.

I am running out of ideas on how to make them proud.
Am I really that much of a disappointment? Am I really that of a failure?

It seems to me like I can be this great and that great, but if it isn’t done their way, it’s worthless.
It seems to me like I can be the best, but if it isn’t the way they planned it, it’s trash.
It seems to me like I can NEVER plan a thing for myself, because they have already laid out everything for me.

Do they ask me what I want to do with my life? Sure. But with a critical mind and a pinch of “That is not what I want you to do, I want you to do this” attitude. And if I pursue with what I want, no matter how great it might be, for them it’s disappointing, regardless of whether I fail or succeed.

I’m 20, and I’ve just finished college.
But if you’re going to ask me what I’m gonna do after, you’ll get the same answer I have been saying the past few years… “Ewan ko sa kanila (parents).”
Then I think you’ll give me the usual reply of everybody, “Mag te-21 ka na, naka-depende ka pa rin sa desisyon nila?”

But I have no choice. Either I do what they want me to do or I disappoint them. Like I haven’t disappointed them enough already by not wanting what they want for me.

It’s like they have set a bar so high above me, and they want me to reach it the hard way, but when I have found another way, and have reached the bar, to them it was insignificant for I haven’t done it their way.

Because of this, I became afraid of doing things for myself. Nawalan ako ng kompyansa sa sarili ko. My friends would tell me how good I am, but I would never be on the same page with them. Pakiramdam ko kulang palagi. Lahat kulang.

Then you might say, “Then just do what you want, you’re still young but old enough to decide for yourself. Why do you keep on doing what they want then whine at the end of the day about not getting what you want?”

Because I love them. So much. I love them so much, it hurts. All I ever wanted was to make them proud. That longing for appreciation has pushed me to do everything I can do for them, even if it’s not what I wanted.

But people get tired.
I have reached that point where I’m tired of trying and failing and trying and failing.

I want to want things on my own, not just because they think that’s what’s best for all of us.
I want to be that somebody doing that something where I can see my worth.
I want to see my worth.

This blog isn’t a blog of disrespect to my parents. But, hopefully, a call to all the other parents out there. Suggesting is different from implementing. Alam naman po namin gusto niyo lang ang makakabuti sa amin. That’s why we obey you. But if we fail, patawad.

As much as we want to make you proud, we’re not perfect, we make mistakes, we fail.
As much as we want to be the best for you, we also want to be the best for ourselves.

“I am proud of you.”
What child wouldn’t want to hear that from their parents?

Photo credit: blog.beliefnet.com

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