You are strong because you are surviving…
Did you ever feel unfavored, unfortunate, unloved?
Until you become hopeless. You were very optimistic, carefree, and happy back then. But blows by blows your optimism exhausted. You look for comforts, any amenities that could make you relief. You look comforts from your family, friends, teacher, and partner, if you have. The console from that people were unavailable. If it’s available it didn’t comfort you at the very least.
How can you be emotional if you live your life having fun? You always see the good side in any situations. How can you tell to your parents that you don’t know what to do? How can you avail the solace your boyfriend or girlfriend could offer if you don’t have one? How can you share it to your friends if they are also the reasons you feel that way, unlucky? Because they had the things you want. And you don’t want them to see you–vulnerable and fragile. You don’t want someone to see you at your lowest. Maybe your teacher in Psychology did counsel you; and all the advised, the tips he/she gave and presented to you didn’t make the burden flinched you even used all the coping mechanism theory of Freud, from internalization to denial. You still feel unbelong, bruised.
As they say, love hurts! What statement hurt more than “it’s not you but me.” Or your friend stole what you own, you thought. When you find love in the books and movies only. When you are relatable to all the trending movies, all talks about heartbroken and infidelity.
When you feel like you are being consumed by the darkness. You don’t want to succumb to its realm. However, the invitation of the dark is tempting and inviting; he uses your impotence as leverage. Rejection and failure want to introduce you to the dark side. So before you become the worst version of you, you pick your self up. You did the things you love the most. Writing. Dancing. Singing. Painting. Eating. Drinking. Swimming. Biking. Studying. All these to comfort yourself. One week. One month. Several months and yet you didn’t feel consolation. How can it comfort you if the situation is getting worst. Everyday you comfort yourself and everyday you are being thrown by the rudeness of the world.
You thought, in quotes and saying you will find yourself. From bible to Qur-an verses you read and hoping to find the explanation. So you read every quotes from anonymous to Einstein sayings. From common saying “never lose hope” down to hugot like, “nagmahal nasaktan nagmahal ulit” From Qur-an verse “there is ease after hardship; indeed there is ease after hardship” to bible verse “for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Those statement, sayings and quotes did comfort you, a bit. But it never did completely. How can if you lost your purpose?
How can if you feel like you don’t belong? How can it make you ease if everyday you ask why? Is it blasphemy to ask why are you in that position? Qur-an states “you are not presented by a burden if you can’t bear it.” Atleast for this day, but how long can you endure if you feel like it’s forever, if you feel weaker day by day.
You used the deadline method to end your suffering. You wanted to give your depression a due date. You cried all you can. You tasted all the bitterness of the life could offer. Because you want to feel numb. Maybe if you used to it, it will not hurt anymore. But it’s always find its way to torture you, to excruciate you, the depression.
And the worst you did was you have come to believe that you aren’t love by the Above. You still believe Him, but you don’t believe He favors you. This is worst than asking why did it happen to you. This is worst than complaining to fate. The irony is: everyday you pray for Him. You always ask Him to change your condition, unconsciously.
Yes, you are smiling when you are at school, at work, but you are very good wearing your mask. You have mastered the art of “conceal don’t feel it.” Every night you go back home, you feel you lost a part of yourself. Pieces to pieces your puzzle that you figured out when you found your dream is losing its items. You don’t know who you really are now. The future for you become clouded.
What worst more than asking the Above plan is ending your suffering. You have understood the people who commits suicide and want to sympathize by killing yourself too. By killing yourself you become stronger because you defeated the depression who wants to kill you slowly. But you still didn’t. Because you ask yourself, are you ready to cut your story without knowledge of its ending? If you have planned to write your ending by killing yourself, then, maybe you can write your future. Maybe the chapter of loneliness will end.
All these locution (spoken and unspoken) you are expressing, all these bitterness you are feeling now, everyday you endure, you stomach it. All the times you cry alone, and most of the times you conceal it, you survive one day at a time. Maybe you don’t look forward to tomorrow because you don’t feel its worth, but you look headlong to end your struggle. You always search to comfort yourself, because you have come to realize even if not now, but sooner. That you can’t duel against the thing that are inevitable. What fate has written will unravel. But you always have a choice. Fate is parallel. Fate is possibilities. Maybe you have jumped in the line of loneliness but you could also jump to the line of happiness. It’s always a choice. You will understand in the end that sometimes situation chooses and not us, inevitability per se. But the situation is a test for you to choose between light and dark.
Look around you! Have you ever looked and reflect on the condition of the street children? In general, have you ever looked to others situation worst than you are facing now?
The children who walks several hours, mountain by mountain, crossing river by river to just go to school with their stomachs empty and yet they smile so pure, innocent, authentic and raw. This is hope, isn’t it?
The disabled who manages to fulfill his/her greatest dream. The amputation didn’t matter for his amazing swimming skills. The eyes that can’t see didn’t obstruct his/her to triumph the stage. This is hope, isn’t it?
The people who are still fighting against poverty are determined. They laugh loud disregarding the treats of poverty. Their practical intelligence has no match with the elite intellects in the greatest war the world could face, poverty. This is hope, isn’t it?
How can they manage to be happy purely considering how unfortunate and disadvantaged they are at its finest? Because they learn to waltz with their condition. They learn contentment. Enjoy the storm like a kite because the world is so big. Yes, you feel hopeless. But look at them! They/those are the hopes. Isn’t it ease seeing them smile at their lowest? Because they will so resolute that someday situation would change. That someday the loom of fate will unravel its other rope or that the wheel of destiny will turn around.
Continue to digest and endure the struggle, to survive. Continue to consume oxygen because when you are still breathing you are already winning. Being broken doesn’t kill you, it will make you braver than you imagined, because as they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.