For Now

lifeI was just counting hours before and not a bit of impatience dawned into me. Then hours turn into days, and I would eventually understand and make an explanation to myself. I didn’t get tired waiting. I have this every hope when I wake up each morning and at night before I fall asleep. Just the thought of a simple message from you gives consolation to my aching heart.

I got used to have a message from you, or can I say you were so sweet to always send messages for me and to diligently answer back if I send a message first. And out of the blue, it’s like seeing a flower being plucked from its stem and never placed in a vase with water; it just withered on a corner…oh maybe this is an overstatement…it’s just that the communication was cut. I didn’t get an “I’ll change number, I’ll let you know” message. Or an “I won’t send messages to you anymore so don’t expect further”. It’s like a bubble pricked with a needle and it just burst into nothingness.

Of course, I got cancelled calls at first. This is quite hard to admit.  And persistent as I am, though that may sound outright rejection already, I still ring the number and just listen as it rings then a busy sound and the computer automated voice of a woman telling that the number is out of coverage area…(how come when at first it was ringing?).  I felt little pricks from within but I would just brush off the feeling and I would eventually try to call again. But to no avail, until that one day, then came another day, then a week, I decided to give up. Not totally giving up because I still sometimes dial the number, but not as frequent as the previous days…only at night now. Still hoping it is still ringing and someone would pick up to answer it. I can feel hot in my eyes and I know that tears are forming and I would just let out a sigh and console myself of the thought that everything is ok. Though I am hurt of the thought of totally giving up and letting go, I would want to give this another try.

It has been years that I was acting stupid and nonsense. But I didn’t get to the point yet of erasing the text messages from long time ago. I changed number already but messages were stored in my phone and that tempts me sometimes to scroll again and hurt myself. Yes, those were good ones. But I want to tell myself that “those were” belong to the past already. I’ve been holding too long and I know that the other side of the string in my hand is just my part of it and there is no more other side. It has been cut and it has been floating on its own and like having lost my senses, I still have this hope in my heart.

It may look blurred, and I know that is grim more than I thought it is, a part of me still want to keep holding on. Stupid as it is, just the thought of letting go drains my strength…but I have to. I just need to get used to have nothing from you. To eventually learn not to think of you, maybe after this article is written. Yes how I wish I would have a day to not think of you. I always pray I would have. And would eventually forget who you are to me as you had. I would try to convince myself to just brush off thoughts of you. I pray for courage then and strength to get over what i feel at the moment. Yes I miss you already. I just wish you miss me too and would let me know it. But all I can do for you is include you in my prayers. The most I can, for now.

About ignorantia legis

"I am young and my spirit is free. And like any young spirit, I want to touch beauty. I feel that if I am to fulfill myself, I must seek beauty. I must pursue truth. I must find God." i am a traveler on this earth who seeks new horizons to explore. i love to be with nature and experience its elegance as it reveals itself in an extraordinary way. i am an artist in my own simple way who searches beauty in every experience i encounter; who loves to be loved and cared for unconditionally."