I am a 36-year-old woman, with two kids. And I am at a loss as to what have I accomplished in this lifetime. Can’t say I have done a lot or have achieved so much in life. Always lived each day as it came. I had my own shares of life’s ups and downs, joys and sorrows, victories and downfall. I’ve lived, laughed and cried. I stumbled and fall, picked myself up and tried again.
In my 36 years of existence, I say that the best thing that ever happened to me and came my way were my children. Two wonderful and loving kids. My ‘little old’ Iva and my sweet boy Ivan. They are the very reason why I’m still fighting despite all the wounds inflicted to me by the enemies, and the pains I am enduring which were caused by the fateful circumstances I’ve entangled myself into.
Sometimes, I wondered how was I able to cope up with everything that has happened to me. Is it that I am really a born fighter? Is it that I am just good at carrying my burdens? Or is it because of my faith and trust with Him that I’m still alive and kicking?
But whatever the reasons, the most important thing is I am still here, is it? Narrating a bit of my story. Telling my woes. Sharing my thoughts. I’m still flesh and blood, moving and able to do a lot of things. It’s a blessing to wake up each day, with all your senses functioning. Your legs and limbs strong and complete. It’s nice to know that you’re able-bodied to do all the activities lined-up for the day. It’s good to feel alive. I swear it is.
But why is it that I still think of that unthinkable act from time to time? That feeling of wanting to die, but that I could never bring myself to do it. Someone said it’s one of the signs of depression, an OFW’s silent disease (and that’s another story).
I’m writing because I like to free my mind of these conundrum of thoughts. I think and worry a lot about things. There are so many ‘what ifs…?’ in my mind that makes me want to just jump myself to my end. These gobbledygook are my way of letting off my excess emotional baggage.
I have too much of bittersweet memories to unload. I can’t help myself not to feel being nostalgic. It’s hard to just dwell only on the good memories. Why don’t you try it yourself? It just goes without saying that memories are forever a part of our lives. Be it good or bad, it’s here within us to stay forever. It will bring us smiles and give us giggles. Ironically, memories also bring us to tears and make us feel sad.
I think I have lost my flow of thought again. I just want to convey my thoughts, speak what’s on my mind. I began this narrative by saying I am a 35-year-old woman and I have two kids.
And now, I am closing by saying, “I am a 35-year-old woman and I have two kids.”
And that’s all that I am for now…