Flow of Thought Attacks… Just Saying…

Iva_9072
Iva_9072 (Photo credit: jorgemejia)

I am a 36-year-old woman, with two kids. And I am at a loss as to what have I accomplished in this lifetime. Can’t say I have done a lot or have achieved so much in life. Always lived each day as it came. I had my own shares of life’s ups and downs, joys and sorrows, victories and downfall. I’ve lived, laughed and cried. I stumbled and fall, picked myself up and tried again.

In my 36 years of existence, I say that the best thing that ever happened to me and came my way were my children. Two wonderful and loving kids. My ‘little old’ Iva and my sweet boy Ivan. They are the very reason why I’m still fighting despite all the wounds inflicted to me by the enemies, and the pains I am enduring which were caused by the fateful circumstances I’ve entangled myself into.

Sometimes, I wondered how was I able to cope up with everything that has happened to me. Is it that I am really a born fighter? Is it that I am just good at carrying my burdens? Or is it because of my faith and trust with Him that I’m still alive and kicking?

But whatever the reasons, the most important thing is I am still here, is it? Narrating a bit of my story. Telling my woes. Sharing my thoughts. I’m still flesh and blood, moving and able to do a lot of things. It’s a blessing to wake up each day, with all your senses functioning. Your legs and limbs strong and complete. It’s nice to know that you’re able-bodied to do all the activities lined-up for the day. It’s good to feel alive. I swear it is.

But why is it that I still think of that unthinkable act from time to time? That feeling of wanting to die, but that I could never bring myself to do it. Someone said it’s one of the signs of depression, an OFW’s silent disease (and that’s another story).

I’m writing because I like to free my mind of these conundrum of thoughts. I think and worry a lot about things. There are so many ‘what ifs…?’ in my mind that makes me want to just jump myself to my end. These gobbledygook are my way of letting off my excess emotional baggage.

I have too much of bittersweet memories to unload. I can’t help myself not to feel being nostalgic. It’s hard to just dwell only on the good memories. Why don’t you try it yourself? It just goes without saying that memories are forever a part of our lives. Be it good or bad, it’s here within us to stay forever. It will bring us smiles and give us giggles. Ironically, memories also bring us to tears and make us feel sad.

I think I have lost my flow of thought again. I just want to convey my thoughts, speak what’s on my mind. I began this narrative by saying I am a 35-year-old woman and I have two kids.

And now, I am closing by saying, “I am a 35-year-old woman and I have two kids.”

And that’s all that I am for now…

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16 Comments

  1. I agree with all of the comments of all of your followers you have a gift in writing. Impressive writing!!! Gifts are meant to be shared not wasted. I can feel you grief I am not ignoring it as part of your life. But if you think about it non of those past are happening anymore they are just residual cycles that keeps on playing in your mind. Reality cannot stay still because life is a continuously flowing it is never frozen. There are unlimited possibilities out there.

    I am not a psychologist, these are just my opinions, in fact I may have been in that kind of cycles too. (Probably in a much smaller scale, I do not want you to say who am I to make such comments, I do not know anything about your life. Hindi rin ako nagmamagaling, I want to clear that out) Until I realized where are these thoughts taking me? Those blame, complains, rants, guilt or what have you will not take you anywhere anyway. You can feel that inside of you. It is really Immobilizing you to become who you are suppose to be. Why not give it all up. The enemies that you have mentioned is the “in me’s” that spoils your gifts and your purpose. Look at them (enemies) as your teachers in all the things you have to learn for the sake of raising your children to be good people. That is your heroic mission to your kids, you are the only one they are looking up to, you are their greatest hope.

    Instead of going back relentlessly on your past i suggest switching it to “how can I inspire my 2 wonderful kids” now. That is all we have, Now. You are not your past and be appreciative it is all done and gone now. Do not collect them and then write about how bad you are feeling.

    Take a look again with all your followers, what they are saying about you. Your thoughts are not thinking you, YOU and only you are thinking your thoughts. Take charge! wonderful, blessed writer and great mom that you are.

    • Hello DarkKnight R.F. Thank you for that very inspiring message. People go through a lot of difficulties and I say I’ve been one of them. My journey for the past three years was, have been and is a rough journey. I haven’t reached the end of the dark tunnel that I’m traversing but I’m glad to say that I’m beginning to see a glint of light which I am now following. I am hopeful that this small speck of light finally leads me to the way out of these miseries. I appreciate your comments and suggestions and I would never think na nagmamagaling ka.

      As I have said in my short bio, I believe that my improvement as a writer/blogger and even as a person lies on my readers’ reactions to my articles. Positive or negative, I know it will be of help in one way or another.

      My kids serve as my inspiration to continue fighting and braving all the storms. I’ve been away for almost 4 years and I can’t wait for the day for us to be together again. Thankful with the advent of internet, kasi malayo man sila, parang malapit na rin. But then, iba yung kaiga-igayang damdamin na malalasap namin kung kami ay magkapiling.

      Salamat din sa iyong pagtitiwala sa aking kakayahan. I’m glad to find DF Blogs, though I’m a bit late already. 🙂 I used to be a hibernating and recluse writer. I was ashamed to have my pieces published for fear that they may not be worth reading. Honestly, I never had confidence in myself with regards to my writing abilities. My works only began to see the light when I have learned how to use Facebook and its Note feature. And now, medyo level-up na because I had the courage to show my work to a wider community, and I am overwhelmed by the positive comments I get, knowing that all of you are great and more experienced writers in your own right.

      Nice reviews coming from you people inspires me to strive to be better at my craft. Again, thank you to all of you! 🙂

      • That is very good for you. What makes us imbalance most of the time (I think) is our eagerness to seek justification, which makes it all dark (I’m guilty of that.. big time) because it brings us to revenge, self pity, humiliation etc. as if all the elements or people who have wronged us cares. Some may be, but most likely not because we all have our own crafty way of justifying things for ourselves.

        What you are doing is right looking at the small speck of light than wallowing in the dark. It is more logical, I should be doing that myself thanks for inspiring me.

        • @DarkKnight R.F., I’ve been in the dark for so long now, so it’s a very much welcome vicissitude to see even just a speck of light. It only shows that hope is still alive. Glad to know that I was able to inspire you with that thought. Now that makes two of us chasing that glint of light towards a better and brighter path. 🙂

  2. You are a gifted writer and you’re so blessed. You have two beautiful kids and it’s one of the reason why you are here in this world. Don’t question yourself on how much you had achieved. You had achieved more that would last a lifetime. Life is like a roller coaster and we do our best to hang and if we fall, we have FAITH to hang on to. So take care and keep on writing. I think you should also think of writing a fiction/non fiction stories. You have a gift.

    • Thank you very much, Jo Hayes. Actually, I’ve gone past that experience. I feel that I’m stronger now, and it is because of my two children, and as you have said, my faith in the Lord. He was always there to remind me how beautiful life is, and I may say He used my kids to let me realize it. For whenever I make an attempt on that stupidity, it’s as if my kids suddenly appear in front of me. So I am really thankful for His love and guidance. Thank you too for believing in my writing talent. Yes, I guess I have to work on that fiction/non fiction stories. God bless. 🙂

  3. You write good so keep doing it.. We all have our own little demons inside but we have to fight back…stay positive always not just for your babies but for yourself too.=) keep smiling sweety

    • Thank you po, Ms. J. I enjoy reading your blogs too. I’m new here. Just started posting last March 8, and I’m glad my pieces have been given the opportunity by this site to be published. Thank you also for the advice ma’am. 🙂

  4. Very nice. Depression is real, go and seek help your kids need their mom. I admire you for being honest and maybe you can help others, who are having the same predicament. God bless. Why in a hurry, we all have to go one day. It’s not for you to take. Take care always

    • Thank you, Galo. I do hope this piece could reach out to others who are on the same boat as me. I wish that they would be inspired and realize that it is not good to keep pent up emotions as it sometimes lead us to think of doing the unthinkable. It is best to let out emotional baggage and free one’s mind of these clutter of thoughts. Again, thank you for taking time to read my blog. 🙂

  5. Hi, Carlos. Are you addressing your question to definitelyfilipino.com or you are actually asking me? 🙂 This is my first try at blogging. I’ve been writing a long time but this is the first time I had my collections published, so basically, I don’t have an idea how to earn money from blogging. And if the comment was for me, thank you for liking my blogs. I appreciate it very much. 🙂

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