It took me a couple of days to write this because I have to collect myself again. I think the readers of my articles know that I’m a big fan of Nadine Lustre. She’s years younger than me but to be honest I’m learning a lot from her. What she’s gone through isn’t easy. I understand her a lot because we are on the same boat. It’s not easy to pretend that you are okay when in truth you are not.
Two years ago on the same date today I thought of taking my own life. I lost my sister, my Papa and my brother (later on). I was so confused, hurt and helpless over what was happening to my life. The day my sister died was also my first “observation day” for my new work. I cried at my apartment but at work I had to pretend that everything was all right. I kept myself busy. I drowned myself in paper works.
My Papa died three days after my 27th birthday.
Everyone was asking me what was happening or if I am okay. I remember I wrote a long post begging everyone to ask me details. I wasn’t done mourning for my sister then a few months after, Papa died. How will you handle two heartaches?
There were times that I was thinking to end the pain. Then I think of my other siblings. I think of my Mama. I cried. I’m still crying alone. I smile to my friends and they think that I am strong. The truth is I’m not. I fake some of my smiles until I make it. I refused to let others see my pain. I refused to let my Mama and my other sibs see my struggles. They lean on me so I should be strong. When Papa was dying I was asking him if he’s okay and he said “Fight! Fight! Fight! lang Ate”. Those were his last words for me. So everytime I’m feeling down and starting to overthink things, I just think of my Papa’s words.
The pain is still there. You’ll never get over from the loss. There are nights that I cry in silence. You just learn to live with the pain. You still fight to live and enjoy what’s left. I’m thankful that my love for my family is stronger than my demon thoughts. I have only one friend who knows the real me.
Nadine reminds me of my pain and my life. She’s all glam and famous but still she’s human. She’s far from perfect. She bares her self to the public. She’s strong yet weak (not that kind of weak though). You will never see her cry in public. Just like me. I lost three loved ones and others think I’m heartless. No, I just don’t want my family to see me falling apart. I am their rock.
For those who get to read this, I hope you will realize that we have different struggles in life. Yours may be more tragic or mine may be most tragic. It doesn’t matter. Don’t give up our happiness. There is always a rainbow after the rain. Cry if you must then pick up your pieces. Fight for life, fight for happiness, fight for love.
Going the same storm with yours,
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- Fight! Fight! Fight! - October 20, 2017
- Two Years After OTWOL - August 24, 2017
- Ang Kuwentong TOTGA Ko - July 3, 2017
- I LOVE MYSELF - December 19, 2016
- Happy Birthday, Pa - August 5, 2016
- Sea Turtle At a Loss - June 25, 2016
- 10th Month In Heaven - May 6, 2016
- Liham…na hindi ko alam kung saan patungo at para kanino - March 8, 2016
- Mr. X, my last letter (hopefully) - February 15, 2016