I am in love. Yes, I do believe so, or am I?
I’m so in love with love that I have given all my attention and time to falling in love.
Then……kapowwwwwww!………….with just one click in the computer….he is no longer mine, he gave himself to another woman.
Ouch!..Darn, it hurts so bad.
In the morning of the first day after he dumped me….I didn’t know what to feel.
Should I cry?….Should I sulk?…Should I even open my eyes? One thing I was sure of…I had to rise because I have obligations.
Work is the only driving force that made me get up….everything felt numb…………..empty.
I tried to bury it past the deeper core of my brain, but I know I failed. He is still within me. I see his smile whenever I close my eyes. I hear his laughter in the silence of my room. I felt his anger in my heart, but instead of having that urge to retaliate, to look for another man, all I feel is that longing to be in his arms.
To wait……….and wait..and wait.
Honestly, I want him to come back to me, but I know I am not the one in his heart. Crazy huh! Yes! I was crazy to believe he was in love with me. I did say I am in love, but I never said, he was in love with me. It did cloud my judgment.
In the relationship of love-hate-love-hate relationship, every time we had a misunderstanding he would go back to this stand-by woman, who would gladly accept him whenever we have fights. From that I have realized he is not in love with me.
That’s not love.
How could it be? When all the time you would expect to work things out in the time of misunderstanding, he would be so critical, that there is no room to consider all the happy moments we had. Or did we have that? He would say we didn’t.
I don’t know, in my heart, somehow we had that. Or else I would not fall in love so deeply as I did.
How would I forget that moment when he lulled me to sleep singing “Happy Together”. Starting out with the hummm and the words “Imagine me and you…….” And he would say he is tone deaf, and doesn’t know how to sing. But that alone made me smile. It may not be in a perfect tone like Pitch Perfect, but that time he made an effort to make me smile. It was epic.
When he watched me sleep, in my slumber I heard him humm the words, I love you…..I love you….I love you.
In our daily conversations, that longing to be held, cuddled was there. My mind raced to different scenarios of how we could have been. That longing to touch his face and plant small kisses everywhere. Watching him sleep makes me feel the world is calm. The slow moving of his belly as he breaths makes me want to embrace him and hold him with a silent prayer, “Please make this last a lifetime……”. And I wish and wish and wished.
Who would forget the plans we made together? I didn’t……….he did.
The craziest thing of all after finally accepting the fate that he has finally moved on I want to forget.
Now I want to believe he doesn’t exist anymore.
In due time I will, I must. In due time the memories will surely fade. In due time, the feeling of love will be a stranger.
One day I talked to my friend pouring out the heavy burden inside my heart. And I told her, “I wish I would forget him and heal the wound etched in my heart brought about by loving.”
Then she said, ” I wish he would come back.”