Confessions of an introvert

Lone bus passenger
Lone bus passenger
Lone bus passenger from Passi, Iloilo to Roxas City

That moment when I walked into that cinema house, when no one else was there yet, when it was just me, yes, just me, standing in awe in front of those hundreds of empty seats, that was when I felt the weirdest. I felt like screaming, not in fear, but in overwhelming joy.

Yes, to me, the world is in its loudest when I am alone. And I feel the loneliest when I am in a crowd.

I remember a few weeks ago, I rode a bus and I was the lone passenger. That’s when I felt ecstatic. What engulfed me was that familiar euphoria I had when I walked into that empty movie house.

I’m not that different, I just have my own preferences – home instead of malls, mountains over beaches, drama marathon instead of parties, and anything else with less people involved.

I don’t hate people. It’s a misinterpretation that introverts like me are anti-social. There just rises a burden when I feel the obligation to converse with them. It’s not that I hate to talk with people, I am just not a good conversant. I might be that type you would hate to talk with – the one who would just answer yes and no, okay and ah, or at the least, just smile and nod.

Most people would find it awkward if silence comes between or among them, but not to me. I’m most comfortable with just a short exchange of greetings, and no more afterwards.

It has been my habit to put on an earphone when I’m on travel or on a standby wherever, not because I listen to a playlist, in fact, most of the time, no music is being played at all. I merely want to keep myself away from any possible conversation. I adopted the technique from a scene with Suzy in Dream High, and yes, that was effortlessly effective.

In a group, I’d probably be the one you’d notice last, or not at all. Others might feel intimidated in the same case, and again, not me. I always have those silent prayers that the gathering or whatever was up ends needless of my active presence. And at times when the only choice left for me is to come out, I manage to, but I’d bear the excruciating pressure for the next hours or days.

When communicating, others would prefer calling because of its ease and convenience. But I prefer sending text messages or emails. If there’s a phobia in answering or making calls, that’s probably the phobia I suffer from. Saying it’s a phobia is too much though, but I really do have anxiety in talking over the phone.

I don’t like confrontations. Most often, I just let an issue die and just make assumptions than initiating to clarify matters. I also don’t like asking questions, and if I do, that’s already too much of a work for me that I’d compose and reconstruct my questions a lot of times before saying them out loud.

I always do a monologue in my mind. In there, I am talking to myself as if I am a different person. I discuss with myself. I argue with myself as well. I can even write a novel in a day with those so much thinking. I think a lot, and talk a little. But of course, it’s entirely a different thing when I am with people I’m most comfortable with.

In a restaurant, in a bus, or in any place where I need to find a spot for myself, I always choose a seat by the edge, far-end, or anywhere less visible and is not the center.

I’m really not sure if I’m talking about me being an introvert. It can be something else. Since I don’t know, I’m just saying it’s all because I am an introvert.