Ang Ulan, ang Love Song at Ako

Tahimik ang gabi.  Binuksan ko ang bintana, sinalubong ako ng malamig na hangin.  Bigla akong napapikit at ninamnam ang kapayapang dala ng malamig na gabi.  Napatingala sa kalangitan at napangiti, tila nagbabadyang umulan dahil walang bituing sumisilip sa kalangitan. 

Maya-maya’y pumatak ang butil-butil na ulan.  Nilabas ko ang aking palad upang saluhin ito.  Ahhh… napakasarap sa pakiramdam.  Isa na namang gabing payapa at tahimik. Hinayaan kong bukas ang bintana sa silid.  Nagtimpla ng kape, binuksan ang radyo, tinapat ang upuan sa bintana at nangalumbaba.  Bumungad sa akin ang kantang “Wherever you will go” ng The Calling.

rain photo
Photo by Free-Photos (Pixabay)

So lately, been wondering, Who will be there to take my place. When I’m gone you’ll need love to light the shadows on your face. If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all, Then between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own

Napakapit ako sa tapat ng aking dibdib dahil sa lakas ng kabog nito.  Hindi ko talaga maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing naririnig ko ang kantang ito.  Kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas, apektado pa rin ako, walang pagbabago.  Lakas maka-senti. Bakit ba ganito umepekto ang kanta?  Dahil ba sa mensahe ng mga katagang bumubuo sa liriko?  Dahil ba sa ganda at lamig ng boses ng umaawit? Dahil ba sa paraan ng pagkanta?  Dahil ba sa alaalang nakakabit sa kanta?  O…. Dahil sa kanya? Alaala ng isang partikular na tao sa likod ng kanta.

Kasabay sa pagpatak ng ulan, paghigop ng mainit na kape at pagtugtog ng musika, dumaloy ang alaala.  Alaala.  Memorya.  Pagbabalik-tanaw.

rain photo

“Nakilala kita sa pinaka-unexpected na pangyayari.  Iyong hindi plinano, ‘di sinadya, kusang pinagtagpo ng tadhana.  Taong 2008 ng nakatanggap ako ng mensahe sa text mula sa di rehistradong numero.  Simula noon, nagkakulay ang payak at simpleng college life ko.  Palagi na kitang katext (uso kasi textmate dati). 

Una kitang nakita nang personal sa isang mall,  hindi ko alam bakit nakilala kita agad na ang basehan ko lang naman ay ang nag-iisa mong profile picture sa Friendster na kuha pa noong highschool prom mo.  Nasa 2nd floor ako habang hinihintay ang aking barkada nang mahagip ng aking paningin ang isang lalaking nakatayo sa baba at may kausap. 

‘Di ko maipaliwanag pero ikaw ang unang pumasok sa isip ko, alam ko agad sa sarili ko, na ikaw iyon.  Sinundan lang kita ng tingin hanggang sa lumabas ka ng mall at nawala sa paningin ko. Makalipas ang  ilang sandali,  tinext kita. “I think I saw you. Sa mall? You’re wearing a gray shirt & red shoes, tapos may kinausap ka?”

Nagreply ka agad. “Hala! OO, ako nga iyon.   Bakit ngayon ka lang nagtext? Ang daya! Nagkita na sana tayo”.  After that, kahit saang sulok  na kita nakikita.  Sa church, sa school namin (doon din kasi nag-aaral ang bestfriend mo), nakakasalubong kita sa daan (nakayuko lang ako), dumaraan ka sa harapan ko, tinatanaw ka lang sa malayo habang busy kang umaasikaso sa mga volleyball players ninyo nong PRISAA. Tapos, tinetext na lang kita after ng “I saw You” tapos naiinis ka kasi di naman ako nagpapakilala. Haha.

Alam mo man ang Friendster account ko, wala naman akong picture or maybe ‘di ka lang siguro interesado talaga na makita ako?  Nagplano tayo magkita ng isang beses sa school namin, intramurals iyon pero naduwag na naman ako at ‘di nagpakita. Dami ko kasing insecurities sa katawan, naduduwag ako pagdating sa ’yo. 

Tanggap ko na kasi sa sarili ko na unti-unti na akong nahuhulog. 

November 2008, ang unang araw na nagkita tayo. Heto na talaga, after 7 months na magkatext, nilakasan ko na ang loob kong magpakita. Saktong huminto ka sa tapat ng boarding house namin.  Nagtagpo ang mga natin at sabay na tumawa. ‘Langya, dinaan ko sa tawa ang kilig ko.

man woman meet  photo
Photo by SupportPDX

Naglakad-lakad lang tayo at nag-usap.  Umupo sa plaza at nagkulitan gaya ng kung paano tayo magbangayan sa text. Iyan ang gustong-gusto ko sa ’yo, ang lagi mong kinokontra ang lahat ng opinyon ko.  May dare tayong dalawa, na sa ’yo ko ibibigay ang frist kiss ko. At sa gabing iyon, pinagbigyan ko ang sarili kong maging masaya (ang landi lang! Haha).  Saksi ang puno ng niyog sa tamis ng aking unang halik. Haha..

Patuloy pa rin ang ating komunikasyon hanggang sa makapagtapos tayo ng pag-aaral.  Kasalukuyan akong nagtatrabaho sa isang opisina, samantalang nag-training ka naman sa Luzon. 

Isang araw, napag-alaman kong nagkaroon ka ng kasintahan na nagdulot sa akin ng ‘di ko maipaliwanag na sakit.  Totoo pala ang sabi nila, masakit pala talaga.  Naglakad akong tulala at muntik nang masagasaan dahil hindi ko narinig ang pagbusina ng sasakyan sa aking likod, nagmura ang driver at humingi na lang ako ng tawad. Gusto kong umiyak pero ayaw lumabas ng luha; nahiya rin siguro siyang tumulo sa harap ng maraming tao.

Para akong tanga.  Hindi naman kami; ako lang naman ang may tinatagong feelings para sa kanya.  Nakarating ako sa boarding house at doon ko ibinuhos ang sakit na naramdaman.  Magdamag siguro akong umiyak, nakng! Ang sakit talaga. 

Lumipas ang ilang araw pero ‘di man lang nabawasan ang bigat na aking naramdaman. 

Isang gabing ‘di ako makatulog, bigla kong kinuha ang cellphone at nagtext “Leave my thoughts please.” Ilang sandali, tumunog ang cellphone ko. Shit! Tumatawag ka, nanginig ang buong katawan ko. Hala! 2AM  na, bakit gising pa siya! Dahil sa taranta ko, bigla kong napindo ang answer button, at nang narinig ko ang “hello” mula sa kabilang linya, agad ko ring kinancel.

woman on phone photo
Photo by rawpixel (Pixabay)

Hindi kita kayang kausapin, hindi ako magaling sa confrontation, sa text lang malakas ang loob ko. So tinext kita, nag-confess ako ng nararamdaman sa ’yo, bahala na.  Naguluhan ako sa reply mo, bakit ngayon ko lang sinabi ang feelings ko? Ganon ba ako kagaling umarte at hindi niya halata na gustong-gusto ko siya katext. Siguro, kasi ‘di naman kami nagkikita. 

May pinagkaiba ba kung nalaman niya na may feelings ako sa kanya? 

Pikitmata kong in-offer na okay lang naman kahit may girlfriend na siya.  Kaya ko rin namang makihati. Ang tanga lang, ‘di ba?  Anong magagawa ko, mahal ko eh! First time kong naramdaman ang ganito ka intense na love.

After a week, nag-text ka “You don’t deserve this kind of relationship.  Ayokong maging dahilan ito para mawala ka sa buhay ko”. And that was it.  My fairytale ended for a week. Nakakatawa, ‘di ba? Sarap kantahin ang “isang linggong pag-ibig”.

Siguro, na-overwhelm ka lang sa fact na, ako iyong kauna-unahang babaeng nagtapat ng feelings sa ‘yo. Haha. Pero dahil doon, mas lalong lumala ang nararamdaman ko sa iyo. Nakakainis na ang pagkatao mo.  Sobrang suwerte ng girlfriend mo.  We remain as friends, sabi mo nga you don’t want to cut the string that connects us. Kasi nga ‘di ba, ang friendship walang break up? Friendzoned. Haha. 

friend only photo
Photo by yahooeny

Ni minsan hindi mo naman ako binigyan ng motibo para umasa.  Kaya nga siguro, hindi ko mapigilan ang mahulog kasi wala naman akong rason para huminto. Sadyang mabuting tao ka lang, wala ka namang kasalanan na kusang tumibok ang tanga kong puso sa taong pagkakaibigan lang talaga ang kayang ibigay. Kasi, kung puwede sana, noon pa.

Maraming pagkakataon kung gugustuhin. Pero, kahit na walang naging TAYO, ikaw naman ang soulmate ko.  Sige na, pinagpipilitan ko talaga. Haha.  ‘Di naman ibig sabihin na soulmate kita, dapat tayo na hanggang sa huli.  Para kasi sa akin, soulmate ko na iyong taong kahit ‘di man magsalita, ‘di ko man kasama, ‘di man naging kami, nagbigay naman ng kapanatagan at saya sa puso ko.

Iyong taong nag-iwan ng marka sa buhay ko.  Iyong taong kapag naaalala ko, napapangiti ako, nagpapabilis pa rin ng tibok ng puso ko, walang bitterness at walang regrets.

Gusto ko lang ibahagi na hindi lahat ng unrequited love story ay nagtatapos sa masakit, mabigat at mapait.

Photo by Muffet

Siguro natagpuan o matatagpuan  mo iyung taong magtuturo sa ’yo na simple lang naman ang salitang pag-ibig.  Hindi siya toxic.  Hindi siya kumplikado.  Hindi kailangang masuklian.  Hindi kailangang mag-iwan ng malalim na sugat  Oo, may sakit, may pait, may kirot, nasa sa iyo lang kung paano mo ihandle ang negativities na dulot nito.

Masarap magmahal, makulay, masaya.  Ilang ulit ka mang umiyak at mabigo, matapang ka, girl!  Sabi nga nila, what doesn’t ki11 you, makes you stronger.  Laban lang! Let go and love again. 

Tulad ng ulan, hadlang man ito sa kaligayahan ng iba, kapayapaan naman ang dala sa katulad kong emotera. ^_^

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