26th of September 2014 around 7am I was rushed to PGH (Philippine General Hospital) by our house help, right then and there I was attended to by several doctors and nurses. I was feeling so loopy, groggy and all, my hearing was temporarily impaired. It was like hearing the buzzing sound of a bee in my ear.
I was vomiting and excreting blood at the same time. As I was vomiting blood, it tasted like metal (eww! yuck!). I was still conscious when we reached the hospital, (we rode a sidecar on our way there), we even looked for where the ER (Emergency Room) was and we kinda got lost because the hospital was quite huge. Going back, as I was being attended to by doctors and nurses she hurriedly contacted my parents and let them know about my condition.
I was feeling so weak like I was going to faint any time. They checked my blood pressure, and took a blood sample, took my left hand and had a dextrose (IV fluid) in it (doesn’t really hurt like the way most people told me). Soon after they told me that I need this thing called ‘NGT’ (Nasogastric Tube) that passes through my nostrils and down to my stomach. When the nurse was placing it in my nose, his instructions were to just swallow (and so I did as I was told). It hurt, A LOT! I swear A LOT! I found it hard to breath and to swallow, I almost vomited. Then they placed me on a wheelchair, and had me in the corner of the room with machines on my body, I think it was ECG (Electrocardiogram).
After few hours my mom came, I was still feeling so weak. She looked at me and said nothing, but the way she looked at me felt like she was hugging me and giving me comfort from all the pain I have inside of me.
Several minutes after, Dad came with his best friend. Same as mom, dad didn’t say anything he just looked at me as brushed his fingers through my hair. Ate May, my mom, my dad and his buddy took care of all that needs to be done such as the blue card, equipments, medicines, etc.
Once in a while there would be someone with a clip board asking me about my condition (which kind of gets me irritated not because they kept on asking the same question but because I needed to answer them with a tube in my nostrils that’s kind of stuck up my throat). And so I told them the story of why I was there and such. Most of the time I was sleeping, trying to gain back my strength.
I was in that small corner with a divider for hours, until night came or was it just around 5pm? When finally they had a vacant bed at the ACU (Ambulatory Care Unit), when I was already lying on the bed, I felt more comfort to sleep (rather than trying to sleep peacefully while sitting on the wheel chair of course). I slept, slept, and slept. When evening came and everyone was visiting me, my cousins where there, my grandfather and his brother (which is obviously my grandfather as well), my brother, my mom, my dad, and others, and others (except my baby brother). I can barely recall those who came over to see me, I was like in a state of comatose. Because I can barely move any part of my body, nor open my eyes and even respond. But I can hear all their conversations, my brain was actively awake but my body was almost as dead as it is. I kept on praying to God, talking to him saying… “Papa God, I’m still alive am I? Please tell me I’m not in a state of coma. Please tell me I’m alive. I’m dead emotionally but please not mentally and most of all not physically. I still want to live. I’m sorry for what I have done.”
I was so thin that I would pass a corpse, a zombie, or even a model of the skeletal system in a Science Laboratory. Midnight came when all I know is that my mom was the only left there with me, when a certain nurse came and transferred me to the OU (Observation Unit) just across the ACU. He asked me if I can walk and I said yes, he accompanied me to the OU as he was holding my dextrose and my hand, and I was holding my NGT in my other hand, mom carried the stuffs.
OU’s ambiance was quite more relaxing compared to the ACU wherein they were reviving people here and there, while some aren’t as lucky to be revived as others are. In the OU there were less people, and my bed was in front of a huge electric fan (quite good for a place without an air-conditioner (why would I be choosy? Of course I know it’s a public hospital)), facing the nurse station.
I was still feeling kind of loopy and groggy but not same as the first day. Now, I am quite conscious. Nurses kept on putting this black substance on my NGT and pumping it through the tuba ll the way down my stomach. They say it’s called ‘Activated Charcoal’. I’m not allowed to eat yet nor drink (even water). My mom and my cousin Lovely took me to the X-ray room and back to the OU. Bored almost the whole day, I just talked to God in my head. I slept the whole afternoon but find it hard to do so because of the NGT blocking my throat. A nurse named Arnold (Arnolfonso *I forgot his surname*) was the one in duty, I told him I’m finding the NGT very uncomfortable and so he asked me if I’m willing to drink the activated charcoal without the NGT and I said yes. So he had it requested/endorsed to the head or supervisor or what to have it removed instead. The first nurse whom I asked if it could be removed said no. Well, it’s okay. He’s just doing his work. The request was granted. Thank you Nurse Arnold! YES! The NGT was removed, what a relief. It was being pulled out from my nostrils which caused a bit of bleeding which was necessary. My throat felt so dry like it had never had a taste of water ever. I was already allowed to eat and drink but not too much. My warden was my closest cousin Lovely.
Evening came when dad was there beside me; I kept on begging dad to contact him. Let him know that I’m in the hospital, I tried so hard to let go and move on but it was just too hard and so painful that it continually kills and tears me up inside. I was crying and flooded in tears and dad strongly said ‘no’. He said…”Anak, hindi mo alam kung gaano kasakit sa akin makita kang nandito at ganyan ng dahil sa kanya. Tapos gusto mo kausapin ko ung taong dahilan kung bakit nandito ka? Para ano? Kaawaan ka? Kausapin ka? Anak hindi ka ganyan, matapang ka. Kahit nung naghiwalay kami ng mommy mo at sa lahat ng sakit at hirap na piangdaanan mo hindi ka sumuko, ngayon lang. Sobrang sakit para sa isang magulang makitang sinaktan ng sobra ang anak na pinakamamahal niya. ‘Yung anak niyang pinahalagahan at minahal ng sobra sinaktan at niloko lang ng sobrang ng kung sino. Anak, ikaw ang strength ng lahat sa pamilya natin, kahit friends mo ikaw ang strength. Ikaw ang inspiration namin to cope up with life kahit gaano kahirap. Kaya sobrang sakit sa’min, kung masakit sayo mas doble and sakit para sa amin ng mommy mo.”
Dad’s words struck me. Dad is a man of few words; he’s not the type of saying long enough words. Maybe I just really loved him more than so that’s why here I am hurting all alone and he’s out there with the girl whom he chose over me being so happy with her. Not giving a damn thing about me being in the hospital that I almost died. His cousin even visited me at the hospital but he never showed up. He cheated on me yet never bothered to say even just the word ‘sorry’. I know my mistakes and I accept it but do I deserve to be hurt this much by that one person whom I gave all the love I never knew I have within me? It may be a shallow reason for most people. I don’t mind. Because only those who know the whole story would truly understand why I took 50pcs of aspirin. Why I was devastated this much and why and what happened.
It was just me and my cousin again. Mom slept in the hospital beside me and my cousin but left earlier than usual because she has work. Another nurse was on duty. He was as friendly and approachable as nurse Karl and nurse Arnold were, his name was Jay. Of course obviously every medical personnel already know the story behind why I was there in the hospital. It was another day for thinking about everything. Praying to God. And trying to pick-up all those broken pieces, trying to stand up once more. Get back in track and no detours this time around. Learn from what has been, appreciate what is now and look forward to what could be.
After several tests I was hoping to go home, I took a shower in OU’s bathroom with the help of my cousin. I can’t bear not taking a bath for days. I drank that activated charcoal; I had to so I can finally go home. It was my scheduled day for MIR (Magnetic Resonance Imaging), they need to check if there’s still something left in my stomach and to check my other internal organs as well. What they found out was that my liver had a slight scratch but so far it’s okay and not so alarming.
Woke up early, starting to get really bored good thing I have my books with me. Blood and urinal tests every now and then. And finally lunch time came when the nurse approached me and told me that all tests showed that I’m okay and well and that I can finally go home. My grandfather was just in time, he was supposed to visit me and I was finally released from the hospital and he brought me home together with my best cousin who never left my side from day one.
I thank all the nurses, doctors, staffs of PGH for attending to my medical needs. Most say that public hospital staffs are grumpy and such but guess what? According to my experience, I can say that not all. Most of them are jolly people and approachable even though you can see how totally exhausted they are.
And thank you to my family and to those who visited and texted me. To all of you who were always there for me, thank you so much. I am now well and I came to realize that there is more to heartache and sorrow. That I am not alone. Life is much more amazing than we think it is, and there is more than what we can see and hope to be. Life gets better, hold on and never let go.
Please don’t dare try to do or even do what I did, because not everyone survives. This is way too risky. There are more things to do than to try ending up your life just because someone hurt you deeply and terribly or because life is just too simply depressing.
Don’t deny that you are hurting but don’t give in to pain as well. Live your life not how you want it to be nor how you pictured it to be; live life how it should be lived. Happily.
Remember that you deserve the very best there is, not just what is best for a moment but for a lifetime. There are lots of people out there who love you more than you love yourself, you may not notice it often and they may not show it enough but they are the ones who give you hope and love when you lose yourself in loving someone whom you loved more than they deserve to be.
I woke up from the fantasy that I thought could turn into reality, I woke up from the love I thought we have, I woke up from realizing I deserve more than this, I woke up from the countless needles struck in my heart, I woke up realizing that there is more to life than pain and sorrow, I woke up because God woke me up.