The breathing gets heavy. My eyes are getting blurry with tears. The rebellious side of me is kicking in. Why you wanted me to let go of some things that are dear to me. You wanted me to let go of things you know that If I do, I will have an ill-timed forgetting and moving on.
I prayed for your presence in my life. I wanted to feel you. But why you’re so quiet I can’t hear you. Are you really speaking to me or you just decided to give me a cold shoulder and look past me because you have some other important prayers to attend to?
I prayed for a more intimate bond between us but instead you packed your bags and drifted away from me, you then closed your doors. Why you allowed me to be in vain? Why you just let me struggle with sorrow and pain?
I prayed for your hands to work within my life. But why you keep on letting certain stuffs happen? Why you did nothing when you can see every unfortunate thing creeping in? Do you really want me to die broken? What am I to you? Am I not your creation too?
Then that day came, I just get tired and stopped believing. I resisted every thought of you trying to flood my mind. I ignored those pleading eyes. You don’t love me for sure, you might as well go to your other children, they are your favorites. In them you will receive your worship and praise, but from me, you will get nothing, so just go!
I told you to go. I even shout it straight into your face, but you just stand there looking at me. The hands that are trying to reach is now being forced to stretch sideways, as your lovingly eyes fixed on mine, blood started to drip down from your body. My breathing gets heavy. My eyes are getting blurry with tears. The regrets are choking me, I breathed fast. The painful realization of undeserved affection is too much to bear just like the unbearable sins I made from the past, it started to resurface from each buried nails, from every root of every thorn.
My heart ached as I count the lashes imprinted on your skin, I can’t withstand the idea of insistent whipping, some skin have been torn off from your body. As you draw your last breath, I wept. The agonizing fact that it was too late for me to realize your sacrifices made me fall on my knees. I am overly remorseful. I am ashamed. You bought me at a price I can never repay. Your precious blood washed all my transgressions away.
I wept. I did nothing to be worthy of it all, but you said it is your gift for me, all I have to do is to receive it by faith.
I prayed for your presence in my life. I wanted to feel you. But I’m so busy speaking I have no time on listening to you. I am so preoccupied with the busyness of this world that I didn’t hear you saying, “Come to me and I will give you rest.”
I prayed for a more intimate bond between us but when you gave me the opportunity to be closer to you, I took it against you. I have totally forgotten that if I would just ask then I would receive. It slipped out to mind that I should seek more of you to find you, that I would just only knock and the door would be widely opened for me.
I prayed for your hands to work within my life. But every time you do, I always question you. I didn’t trust you with certain areas of my life. I keep looking at things I laid into your hands, checking on them from time to time. Partiality overpowered me. I’m being tested yet I always fail. I am bound to fail, you knew it even before adversities came and yet you were patiently teaching me to be steadfast and persevere so I may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
I have so much grief within me, it feels like it is too much to ask for forgiveness though I know you will give it to me. I don’t deserve such grace, I am no one. My sins and past mistakes are defining me and you’re telling me to let them go, do not dwell on them. Now I can’t barely try to look at you, even a glance is just too ambitious to do too. I can’t hold it any longer I dared to raise my head but didn’t find you nailed on the wood up there. A gust of wind makes me shiver. Then finally I heard you saying, “It is finished.”