My child, nothing is more heartbreaking than to hear you crying, and I can’t even give you a hug to comfort you and wipe your tears because we are far away from each other. My heart is bleeding and my eyes are like an open tap welling with tears that couldn’t be stopped. It was what I felt as we spoke on the phone.
I’m sorry, my child, if I can’t be with you during those times that you need me beside you. I am sorry that you are already feeling the longing and the emptiness within you being without a mother to care for you and your brother while your father is also busy earning a living for you. I am sorry that at a very young age, the enormity of our problems is sinking in to you, and you still don’t know what to do or how to deal with it.
I have felt your anguish, my child. And it pierced me right through my heart. I could only wish I’m back home to hug you tight and assure you that I’m always here for you. While we were talking, I tried to be strong, struggling not to show you that I was crushed to hear you sobbing over the phone, feeling your longing for a mother’s love and presence to take care of you in times that you need me most.
But my world just crumbled when you said, “Please come home, Mama. We need you. We want to be with you now. Please come home and stay.”
Those words were like daggers that hit me, and sent so much pain in my heart.
I wasn’t able to fight back the tears. I just felt them streaming on my cheeks. In a muffled voice, I mumbled something that I wasn’t able to comprehend. How I longed to hold you, my child, and let you feel my presence. Comfort you and just give you a big hug while stroking your back. But it is impossible and I know that it wouldn’t be enough for you and your brother.
I’m beginning to think… Did I make the wrong decision when I left you? I only wished to be hand in hand with your father to give you a better future. Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out as I hoped it will be. I can’t help blaming myself that I am responsible for your sufferings right now. Had I not left, you wouldn’t have this feeling of being orphaned and abandoned.
There’s just one thing I ask of you, my child… please hold on. I know you’re a smart girl. It will only be a matter of time until we could all be together. You and me, and your brother. I promise to make up for the lost times and do everything in my power to bring back the joy you have missed in your childhood.
I don’t want to hear you crying anymore, my child. It hurts me so much and I don’t know how to take the pain you feel away from you. Whatever it is that is troubling you, just pray. Study hard and play, and just enjoy what you have now. You may never notice, but you might just see me standing on your doorstep one day soon.
Again, my child, I am sorry if I had to leave you. Please understand that I did it all for you and your brother, because I love you… Iva and Ivan. Wait for me… Mama will be home soon. Take care always.