I just realized that it’s hard to be completely surrendered to God if you already have everything in this world. It’s hard to put your complete confidence in God when you are already full of confidence in yourself. Knowledge can be acquired quickly while humility before God is a hard thing to do(John 6: 65; Isaiah 6:9-10;John9:39). It’s not bad to have a healthy self-esteem. But in my case, now I truly understand why I have to undergo so many struggles and humiliations and why I have to experience confusions of the mind. It’s simply for my benefit and salvation. I observe that most people who cling to God so much are either broken, problematic, weak and lacking physically and spiritually like me. Now I get Luke 5:31: Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” and also 2 Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
I can only count few instances in my life when I became really confident and composed. When I was in high school, I was so insecure so I didn’t really feel-at-home inside my physical body. I was not contented with the way I look that I impossibly thought my soul is just misplaced inside a “wrong body.” This is what you call unseen pride, discontentment and jealousy.
Moreover, when I reached college, panic attacks became so severe and disturbing you think you “lockedyourselfupinsideyourself” and discover that ‘yourself’ is suffocating , dark , uncomfortable, hopeless and clueless.
I was aware of my assets, talents and abilities. But passivity, doubts and other unseen forces are holding me back. Well, it’s a complicated logic. But in short, God can turn broken things into beautiful, and God uses all things and events in your life – good, bad and everything in between—all for His glory.
When I felt everything that I hold onto was taken away from me and when all bad things just keep on occurring to me – that was the only time I learned how to genuinely call for God’s help. Psalm 34:6 became true to me:
This poor man called, and the Lord hear him
He saved him out of all his troubles.
I was struggling with my own confidence because God wants me to place my full confidence in Himself alone. 2 Corinthians 5:8-9 says:
Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.
I became a daughter who is always dependent on her Father who is a “mighty God” as Isaiah 9:6 says.
He didn’t want those bad things to happen to me. In fact, He wants to save me from all of it because He wants to give me a life, which doesn’t necessarily mean a life that is free from all problems and getting everything I want quickly and easily. For me, the gift of life that He wants to give me is a life fully surrendered to Him, because He knows my past, present and even the future. He knows what’s best for me. He is an all-knowing God.
By God’s grace, I continue to seek Him (although I’m usually inconsistent) and surely (still, because He is merciful) as you can see, everything is slowly being added unto me as my faith in Him gets up a little higher and higher. (Matthew 6:33) Every messy area in my life is continuously being fixed by the God of healing and restoration. Wow, what an incredible God! Jesus is really alive!
Whenever good or bad things happen to me, I sense that He’s around me. And I can’t imagine my life without Him. I feel that I am really tied with Him. And ironically, it’s the best feeling in the world, I suppose, because it’s not suffocating as myself- it’s freedom from myself, and freedom from my weaknesses, hopelessness, directionless ambitions and my deepest, ugliest sins. (John 8:36; Galatians 5:1; 2 Corinthians 3:16)
Okay, so let’s clear this all out. Ever since, I really loved God. But I have focused on my love for Him, not on His love for me. But thank God, now I understand the power of the cross. My old self has been nailed to the cross. Oh, that is why, I felt so tied to Him. Maybe, to put it more accurately, I am nailed to Him! And I will also rise with Him! (Romans 6:8) I’m writing this because I want to share the love of God, the great things He has done for me and His faithfulness and goodness to everyone of us .
I am just one of those lost sheep the Good Shepherd has brought back to His sheep pen. (John 10; Isaiah 40:11). And He continues to guide me in my weaknesses, to forgive me of my inconsistencies and unfaithfulness and other bad things that I have done and will be doing.
You can experience His redemption by taking the first step: just believe.
Maybe, 2014 is not gonna be an easy road, but walking with the loving, approachable, sweet and merciful God is always worth it.
The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.
-Pushing Back the Dark, Josh Wilson
- I’m Scared of You - February 17, 2016
- Bukas na Liham para sa mga Matang Mapanghusga - March 27, 2015
- Prayer - March 21, 2015
- Mga Tanong na Mahirap Sagutin - December 16, 2014
- My Father’s Towel - July 29, 2014
- “Tuesdays with Morrie” - July 22, 2014
- 20 and Vulnerable - March 21, 2014
- For Richer, For Poorer - March 20, 2014
- Of Hopes and Infatuation - January 16, 2014
- Believe - December 31, 2013