Some say you have to be brave and bold in everything; follow your heart and take the leap; that you’ll never know unless you try. But what if it gets in the way of faith, beliefs, and even the law? Would you still try even though you might end up with nothing? Would you still fight for something you think is right when the whole world and even the heavens say its wrong? Or should you just give up and wonder all your life of what could have been if you did make that big choice to try?
It’s so ironic that I once was in a situation where I had to choose between my pride and my feelings for someone really important, and I ended up losing him for being scared of losing him. And now that I have the courage to not let things pass the way I did before, I am now torn between my feelings and what seems like a barricade of things that keeps us apart. How can you fight for something that betrays everything that you have known and believed in all your life? How can you be sure that he will be there to fight with you until the end? Or if he will not let you down like how he did once? Would you give something that has no assurance a chance to make you happy or shatter a heart that has just healed? How do you choose between your heart and your mind? How will it survive?
I am a Christian by heart, by mind, by will, even by birth. I am a believer, and by God’s grace I have survived every storm in my life by holding on to my Lord’s promise to never leave me, and to stay with me through it all. He fulfilled that promise, and still is as faithful as He always is. I don’t want to have to choose between my faith and my heart. God has put me in this place for a purpose, I know. But do I really have to go through this? I kept praying for God to keep me from having these feelings for him, but everything he does just seem to aggravate the feelings, and it’s growing to something I’m afraid may be deeper than I expected.
To make things worse, we are in a place where a love between two different races is forbidden. We can continue this, but in time, I know we will have to choose between our feelings and the rest of the barricades. How do we continue something that might not survive? Why is it so hard to be in love?
Should I just keep my heart from him and regret this someday like I did once? I don’t want to go through that pain again. But in following my heart, I could be facing pain that is much more unbearable than I have felt before. Or it could be leading to the love that may somehow be destined to survive and last.
- Eulogy For A Princess - May 18, 2016
- To All The Boys This Girl Has Loved Before - August 24, 2015
- Questions - September 30, 2013
- Secret Messages - March 1, 2013
- A Letter to My Not-So Secret Admirer - September 9, 2012
- Dear Friend - June 19, 2012
- There and Back - May 15, 2012
- To Be or Not To Be? - April 4, 2012
- “My Favorite Seatmate” - January 19, 2012