To Papa, you were the first man in my life, and I can say you started it all.
You failed to show me how love should really be.
In fact, you unconsciously caused me my first heartbreak.
I hoped that you would have been the one to protect me from all the guys who eventually ended up breaking my heart, but instead, you ended up giving the first and the worst pain of all.
I grew up hoping I would have you by my side to tell me which ones are to be trusted, which ones are not. But then, I had to learn it all by myself from you and those like you around me, in the family. I learned from so many of the women I looked up to, and loved. From the men they have loved and trusted, but have torn them in return. Because of you, I was afraid to fall in love. I was afraid of being loved. Because from what I have learned, loving and being loved meant having yourself cry for days betrayed by the very person you loved; having relationships and friendships ruined by this so called “love”. I was scared that more people I love would leave me, like you did. And so did they…
Regardless of what you did papa, I still love you. I guess that’s what daughters do. They love and adore their fathers no matter what. I love you with all the little pieces.
To Mr. Right, yes you.
You were my first love, believe it or not. You became a creepy shadow that hunts down every guy I ever loved. They just could never be you. We may never have had a romantic relationship, but you busted them all. You were the one that got away.
You loved me in a way no one ever did, and I was so mad at myself for finding out too late that I have always been in love with you. I was scared that we’d lose everything we had, and with that, I did. I lost you. I hoped you’d come back. I hoped you’d be ready to love me again. I waited, and waited for years because, you somehow, gave me hope that you would come back to me when the right time comes.
It was crazy, impossible, but I did because you said so. I always believed you. I waited until you were ready. I was reserving me, for you. I rejected every guy that attempted to replace you. I pushed them away, because I knew what I wanted. I knew it was you. I never learned how you were able to forget me just like that.
How could you give up on me just like that? How could you hurt someone who loved you so? How could you take back everything you said? How could you just leave me hanging? How could you say things you never really meant? How could you hurt a friend?
I trusted you with my heart. It was so painful that I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else. It was all I held on to, and you blew it away. You messed me up, big time. And you never even tried to explain, or say sorry. It was all I wanted so I could finally move on. So i could finally let you go. Even that, you deprived me of…
So, no. I never got over you. I moved on, tried the best that I could, and got well. But it was never over for me. I’ve always left my windows open, hoping that someday you’d come running back or even just drop by to just clear the mess you made. Until now…
You afterwards became the standard. I told myself “love” isn’t real if I don’t love the guy more than I loved you. I would only really know if someone surpasses you. Unfortunately, I haven’t met him yet.
To Mr. Lie, I loved you.
I did, but our relationship started with a lie. I never told you because I didn’t want to hurt you. But I was never in love with you. You were at the right place, at the right time. You somehow, helped me forget the pain I was feeling so I stuck with you. I forgot about Mr. Right when I was with you, but when I lie alone in my bed at night, it wasn’t you that I was thinking of. It was him. It’s always been him.
You made me feel better about myself, so I figured the only way to repay that is to love you the way I know how. I cared for you like I would have with Mr. Right. I fought for you even from my own family. I loved you enough to make you believe that I did. But I couldn’t make myself believe. Because I knew, you never really loved me just because. You loved me, because you needed me. You needed me that’s why you stuck with me. I knew that. But I just needed you too.
So, I had to end it. Because, while I was away I realized I wasn’t even thinking about you. I was thinking about him, the cause of this disaster. I could not continue living a lie. It was a mistake. A mistake I can never take back. And I’m sorry.
That’s all I could say. Really sorry…
To Mr. Wrong, you were a love unexpected.
I wasn’t looking for someone when I met you. I guess you weren’t either. But we did find each other, in the wrong place, and the wrong time. If we have met in a different place and time, I would have fought for you. I almost did, you know. But I figured, you weren’t worth fighting for. I can’t fight a battle alone. You had other plans, that did not include me. I was just not the one. I was just someone you can never have, and it thrills you.
I did love you though. I really did. I wouldn’t have stayed that long if I didn’t. I knew it was real because beside the fact that you crushed my heart to the ground, I stayed. I stayed because you asked me to. I stayed because I wanted to see that the tears I shed and the blood I bled when you didn’t choose me, did not go to waste; that I did not die in vain. Yes, I died. I died every night. I died every time you’d tell me I was the one you loved. But you weren’t the only one who’s ever killed me. You were just one of them. I knew I could make it. I knew i’d be okay. I’ve been there. I can always restart. So, I did. That’s how I got the nerves to leave you. I had to go home. I just knew it was the right place to start over. By the way, I really am happy for you…
To my future. My last. My ever after.
Yes, I still believe you’d find me. I don’t know when or where, but i know God will lead you to me. You’d be the one to make me believe that its all worth it. You’d make me understand why it never worked out with anyone else. You’d break down the very large wall that I have built over time. It maybe hard but please don’t give up on me like every one of them.
Please understand that it has been difficult, so it’s not easy opening up doors again. My heart has been torn and broken to pieces a couple of times, but it’s still working. Just enough for one last, hopefully long enough. Hopefully it’ll be just like new with you.
Please just be patient with me because trust is a very serious matter. I may not be so out forward, but I want to. I do. I just need time to really know you and trust you. I’d be very glad to let you in, if you are worthy. And I’d be very happy to love you and care for you.
Just please be careful with me too. I know there’ll be ups and downs, but I know we’ll get through it. It would suck, yes, to suffer the consequences of loving a girl all broken up inside; having to deal with all that was left of me; having to go through the shadows of my past. But if it’s really you, you’d know what to do. You’d know that somehow, I too am worth all of it. I know you’re out there praying for me too. And when it’s you, we’ll both know. We’ll just know. So until then, I’ll just be here doing what I do best. I Hope to meet you soon, and I love you….
- Eulogy For A Princess - May 18, 2016
- To All The Boys This Girl Has Loved Before - August 24, 2015
- Questions - September 30, 2013
- Secret Messages - March 1, 2013
- A Letter to My Not-So Secret Admirer - September 9, 2012
- Dear Friend - June 19, 2012
- There and Back - May 15, 2012
- To Be or Not To Be? - April 4, 2012
- “My Favorite Seatmate” - January 19, 2012