A few months and versions of me ago, I remember an old flame tell me this:
“I hope you’ve found someone better”
and I told him, almost too hastily, how
“No one’s really better. People are just people.”
No matter how much I’d like to believe what I said, it’s just some poetic shit that somehow, maybe, rings a bit true. But honestly, I just didn’t want to say his words back to him.
Maybe I did say it back. I honestly can’t remember well. But if I did, know that I didn’t mean it.
I didn’t want him to find someone better… At the time.
He’s the mature one between us, see.
I know, it’s petty. But I liked thinking that I did my best and with that, I’ve left my mark. And I wanted my mark to last as long as our relationship didn’t.
I wanted to be the best like no one ever was.*cue in Pokemon theme song*
It’s only now that I realize, how cruel that is to wish someone you loved.
How petty it is to wish to be “the one that got away”.
Why would people want to be that person? Why would you wanna be someone that someone you loved keeps on regretting? Why would you wanna be the person on their high pedestal, never to be matched by anyone else?
Why would you wanna keep haunting them?
Sure, the Katy Perry song makes it sound like an honor to be “TOTGA”, but now I think, you’ve never really loved someone, if afterwards, you don’t wish them well.
Anyway, he had found a new love, and – I don’t pray much and I don’t think I know how to pray well- I’m praying hard that she is so much better than me.
So much better at taking care of him and understanding him.
I wish he is sooo over me and only has eyes for her.
I wish she never cries herself to sleep comparing herself to the memory I’ve left.
I wish she never sees my ghost.
I want them to be happy. Truly.
I wanna say it back now… “I wish you’ve found someone better”.
Because that’s what relationships should do, I guess: add so much more to us. No matter how uncomfortable or, sometimes, painful getting there takes.
Genuine connection and love reciprocated do not come as often as we’d like. It’s such a shame that happiness leaves a faint trail whereas scars are easy to remember.
But it’s the good times worth toasting to. Always.
We’ll all be okay.
- The One That Got Away: An Overrated Title - March 15, 2017
- A Day at Dingalan, Aurora - February 21, 2017
- Intro, 2017 - January 2, 2017
- A Little Loco for Ilocos - November 22, 2016
- Why People Climb Mountains: Asking Questions at Mt. Lubog’s Summit - June 22, 2016
- Camping at Burot Beach : Thank you, Universe, for decent toilets! - April 20, 2016