Siya na kaya?

Image credit: Mommyjoyce

Everyone has that one friend na the best kung magbigay ng payo tungkol sa relationships at love, pero never pa nagkaboyfriend. I’m that friend.

You see, hindi ako kagandahan. Hindi ako maputi’t mayaman. I’m an average person who isn’t noticeable. I’m plain and simple. Hindi na ako nagtaka na walang nagkakagusto sa akin, na hindi ako nagustuhan ng mga minahal ko before kasi look at me. Pango na nga ako, namana ko pa kay Gloria Arroyo ‘yung nunal niya. Need I elaborate more?

This is how I see myself: unlikable and unlovable.

That’s because all the guys I have ever liked and loved never liked or loved me back.

Ako lagi ang talo sa huli. Nilandi lang pala ako, ginawang panakip-butas, ginawang pampalipas oras, pero ayun, minahal ko sila. ‘Yun pala, mag-isa lang akong masaya, mag-isa lang akong nagmahal, at mag-isa lang akong kinilig. Hindi kasi nila ako inabisuhan man lang, ‘yung tipong sabihan man lang sana ako pag-inapproach nila ako ng “maglandian lang tayo ha” or “bored ako, entertain me”, ganun. Para hindi na ko umasa, or in the first place, ay hindi ko na sila pinag-aksayahan ng panahon. Kasi ang hirap. Mahirap mag-move on every time, mahirap mag-move on mag-isa.

Having been played with, I became cautious. I scolded myself over and over for being stupid. I built walls around me, I became numb and unassuming. I became void of emotions, or at least I tried to stray away from it. I was unsure of myself and I ended up giving zero meaning to everything.

In short, naging manhid ako. Dinidisregard ko na ‘yung mga simple things that made my heart flutter back when I was stupid and naive to think na kapag nagmahal ka, mamahalin ka rin, kasi I have never been more wrong.

I have never entertained the thought that maybe, someone likes me kasi as my friend put it, “pang-kaibigan ka lang”. That made me wonder, na baka kaya I experienced what I experienced was because I wasn’t meant to be anyone’s girlfriend. Inisip ko na baka pangkaibigan lang talaga ko and I was meant to be alone.

Naging manhid ako hindi dahil masyado akong nasaktan (‘di pa nga kasi ako nagkakaboyfriend, ‘di ba?). Naging manhid ako, without even realizing it, dahil natatakot akong masaktan ulit. Natatakot akong isugal ‘yung puso ko sa taong hindi naman sigurado sa akin, sa taong wala namang balak suklian ‘yung pagmamahal ko. Sa taong wala namang balak gawing “tayo” ang ‘siya at ako’.

Natatakot akong lumabas ulit ng comfort zone ko, to bare myself to other people tapos isasawalang-bahala lang ako. Ayoko nang hanapin ulit ‘yung sarili ko dahil nagmahal ako ng taong hindi binalik sa akin ‘yung pagmamahal ko, ‘yung pagkatao ko.

Ayoko nang magmahal ulit. Tinanggap ko na ‘yung thought na tatanda akong dalaga. It’s a silly thought for a girl not even in her twenties, pero what can I say? Teen-ing hit me hard.

But then, he came.

Minahal niya ako.

Siya na ba?

Siya na kaya?

About heartnobody

A paradox; a conflicted contradiction. Ambivert. Dreamer. (silent) Fighter. Overthinker. Yes now, No later type of girl. A mess. A silly fool.
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