Feeling pathetic is the last feeling in the world that I wanted to feel especially when it comes to falling in love. I used to smirk at people who would do everything and forget everything that they have because of that stupid thing they called love. I cringe seeing people, more so women, forgetting themselves and everything that they deserve because they are in love. I would rant and whine about how crazy and unintelligent it was to do that, to be a martyr of a first class just because of this thing called love. I mean, I believe in love and everything that goes with it and I keep on wishing my true love will come in the right time. But I don’t know why I don’t like seeing people stooping down to the lowest level because of love. It doesn’t have to be that way. At least, that was what I thought.
Because I became full and I burped as I ate everything that I said when I experienced the strong whip of love for the first time in my life. For the fist time, I experienced a whole new level of happiness, an incomparable kind happiness. I learned to value every little thing about him and every little thing that he does. I kept and I didn’t eat the French fries he gave to me November 15’th of last year and I even put a date and time on the fries’ container. I kept my paper that he checked, kept the wrapper of the chocolate he returned to me when I dropped in accidentally and kept the flowers that my friends told him to give to me during my 18’Th birthday. The fluffy feeling in my stomach and the wild bumping of my heart is all new to me, so overwhelmingly alarming but made me happy, is all so new to me. I would often find myself smiling alone by just merely thinking of his handsome face. And I did everything that I could to be with him, to have just a bit of his time and just to see him, to go to school despite not having classes because he was there. Am I to be called crazy by doing that? Nah, I am just in love. And because of that sickening thing called LOVE, I put him on the pedestal. Little I did know, he just put me on the garbage can. Before I knew it, I became the kind of person I used to whine and rant about. I became the kind of person that I used to avoid. But I just shrugged the thought off because I thought everything I did paid off. At least, that was what I thought.
His text message used to send me thrills and have butterflies flying in my stomach. His text message used to put a smile in my face and glow in my eyes. His text message used to be the most beautiful and heartwarming message I could ever receive. His text message used to be the main reason for me to be attentive to my cellular phone and make me jump when it rings. His text message used to be the only thing that can be seen in my inbox. His text message used to make me panic whenever I don’t have any load, thus I’d run out to buy one just to be able to reply to him. But not anymore. Because he no longer texts me. And I know he’s not planning to do it anymore. But I am still hopelessly waiting.
Despite that I know that my feelings for him don’t change. Hearing his name still put me to a halt and makes me miss him even more. Hearing his name still rock my whole world. I never even thought name could have that effect on me. Have you ever felt such feeling? It is weird and I can’t be able to come up a name for it. All I know is that it sends a really overwhelming feeling to my being that make my heart skip a beat and make a smile forming in my lips. Seeing his name in a random places and things also has that effect on me. It’s like he’s hunting and following me wherever I go. I still feel that even until now that he’s already indifferent towards me. Everything in me is just the way it used to be when it comes to him. Except for one thing. Hearing and seeing his name no longer put a smile on my face. Instead, sadness and confusion will be mirrored in my used-to-be sparkling eyes and create purse and grim in my used-to-be smiling lips. How could someone I thought to be an angel hurts me this way?
I know I should stop this foolishness now. Every one of my friends keeps on reminding me about it. But I just can’t. Seeing his handsome face is still the only thing that could make my day even though he no longer smiles at me. He still makes me happy. The room still feels empty and hollow until he comes in with overpowering presence. He still completes me. Hearing his voice is still the only thing that calms my nerves whenever I feel nervous and scared. He’s still the music in me. My day is useless if I don’t see him and I would go on any depths just to be with him. I still love him. I still do. And I forever will. But he no longer does. And he never ever did. Perhaps that was one of the major disadvantage of falling in love to a person who doesn’t love you back in the first place and yet, knew about how you feel. You will be toyed.
Feeling pathetic is the last feeling in the world that I wanted to feel especially when it comes to falling in love. But now I understand what drives those pathetic people to be one. Because letting go of something that makes you happy is just so hard and you would do whatever it takes to get hold of that happiness. But time will come that the heart would get tired of enduring the pain and no matter how hard it is, one would just have to let go. Because sometimes you have to forget about what you feel and remember what you deserve. Who knows, a much more different kind of happiness is waiting for you out there. And in order for you to reach there is to let go and start moving on. It may hurt as hell but just tell yourself, “This too shall pass”. Because others did pass.
Being pathetic is not bad at all because it teaches everyone a very noble and selfless lessons in life. You try and figure out what are those.;)