I have a boyfriend. We have one handsome baby boy. He is my “almost” imaginary boyfriend.
Dates became chores, messages gets shorter, conversations became boring, monthsaries are just another day and so on. We have a rented apartment none of us lives there if I have time or on my rest day I sleep there quiet a few hours then leave. I don’t remember the last time we slept there intimately together, we have to set our priorities ever since our little boy came. The demand of his work (night shift) made him stressed out going back and forth, taking care of our little boy in the morning so I can sleep instead of him staying in the dorm provided by the company, so we decided to have our little boy be taken care of our relatives so we can work, but that’s not it behind that has a lot of challenges, our relationship were challenged.
I understand his situation work at night, go home by day, take care of our baby, sleep atleast 4hrs or sometimes 1hr then go to work, it’s a cycle and mine was sleep at morning, wake up before he goes to work, take care of our baby, wash clothes, wash and sterilized baby bottles you know mommy stuff. I am a first time mother, he had a child with his previous Girlfriend 8yrs ago, I admit I was at fault too sometimes ranting about my back pain or aching arms but never have I rant about my incision, he gets mad, he will not talk to me like I am an air or a ghost that was our routine, if he is not in the mood we will not talk, but if he is feeling happy we are happy that was the cycle.
Everything was a blur and that time I am this low kind of a person only following what he told me to do, if I disagree I am wrong, following my parents advice I am not fighting for him, my family hated me because they thought I only listen to him, he hates me because he thought I only listen to my family. It was chaos, I didn’t know what to do but only cry. I have nowhere to run to, because the man whom I thought will be there for me care less most especially the time that I am almost disowned by my family, they never liked him but I took a stand and even fought for our little boy. He even told me he love me less because of my attitude, because my family do not accept him, do not appreciate him etc., but I love him, I appreciate him, I accepted him for who he is he don’t see but I do.
When we first dated we were happy, we were inseparable, we were in love, it was everything that I imagined it to be. We go out a lot, visit wonderful places and stay for a night, we watched movies never did we miss a good movie, we sleep together holding hands, we talk all day and night, we hang out together with his friends, he updates me every time he is out, we go to church, we took care of each other, we make plans then talk about the future then it faded. Again conversations became shorter, he is too tired to see me, he don’t go home to me anymore, since I gave birth he is not the same man who always holds me, embrace and kiss me as if there is no tomorrow, I don’t even remember the last time he told me I am beautiful, say the words I love you, I miss you or I want to see you straight from his mouth. We only see each other once a month lucky if twice, monthsaries became text greetings it’s as if he only existed behind the screen of my mobile phone. The routine now is 8:30am-9am we will start to chat until 10am or 10:30am lucky if he stayed until 11am then he go to sleep sometimes he told me goodnight but most of the time none, then he wakes up at 7pm greet me good evening then 8pm telling me he will go to work if he is not busy we chat until 10pm but if he is 8pm will be the last, then before I sleep I just greet him goodnight no message until tomorrow morning.
I love him, I treasure every given moment being with him even for the short period of time. I am sad without him, but it hurts being with him, we are dull he is pre-occupied with his mobile phone, we have nothing to talk about besides our baby and the game he is playing, I’m not part of his plans anymore, I have recoiled to my shell afraid to let my feelings be heard.
I can feel that he is not happy with me anymore, he is escaping from me behind the screen making excuses everytime I invite him in. I am too afraid to let go, I am not ready, how about our little boy? Where is this man I used to know? I cringed from the reality that this man only existed in my mind.