I’m Sorry. I’m still Hoping. I Love You. :(

I'm Sorry (Phote Credit: Facebookemoticons123.blogspot)
I’m Sorry (Phote Credit: Facebookemoticons123.blogspot)

Everybody has their own dreams in life. Some pursue their studies in order for them to pursue their dreams too, some just sit there and time will give them something they wish to have when things are really meant for them. I am a pharmacy student with so many dreams in life, I never expect taking this course because when I was a kid all I want is to become a doctor or a lawyer but maybe this is God’s way of letting me realize how hard being in a medical filed when all in your hands are people’s life.

You need to be careful, whole heartedly dedicated to what you are doing, 100% loyal. Aside from becoming a doctor, I also dream t of going out of the country; I wanted to go to somewhere really different from where I used to grow. I want to experience snow, cold environment, meet new race, work on my own and make money through my own hardships.  I wanted to live differently. As time goes by, I really feel that I’m almost there to reach my dreams. I’m near to what am dreaming about before.

I grew up with my family, I used to wake up every day with things to be used are set each day. I’ll go down to eat meals, no need to prepare for my own because everything was set. I used to prepare for school with things to be used are all in my bed, ready to wear  Ironed uniforms, a pair of socks, and stuffs that will be in need at that day.  After school when I usually home, all I have to do is to work on my assignments, eat and sleep. That’s what my everyday life is. As I grew up I met new people, different individuals, different attitude, different characteristics and different lessons in life. During my grade school days I met a girl, an American girl that keeps on talking to me when she was new to our class. I talk back to her, but it was never in my mind being friend with her, she’s somewhat annoying but cute, a cuddly girl that catches my attention every time she talks to me using English language. I was never used to it until she came to our class and became my buddy since I was her only mate talking to her in every way that I could for her to understand and luckily she became my best friend. We had the perfect relationship together as a best friend although we’re not used to see each other often like best friends really do since she’s in and out of the country. It’s hard for me every time she needs to go to her home where she used to grow until I got used to it. Long distance didn’t change us. No matter how long we don’t talk, still when we see each other nothing has changed through the years. Years passed, we’re in college. We used to talk often as before. Thanks to facebook, skype and twitter. J  She’s in LA, California.

One day, she went here in the Philippines for a visit. She came home with her cousin. We usually go out to have bonding time together. I often visit her since it was summer here. We went out with her family and other relatives for a simple celebration since they knew me since when we were still kids. I met new faces and her cousin from states. A month after of staying here, she needs to come back for her to continue her studies in California. After weeks of her departure, unknown number flashes my cell phone screen. It was her cousin Lester, a tall chinky eyed guy with a fair complexion, the one she was before when she came back home. Since then, I and Lester had a conversation every day ‘bout random things. He used to text me almost every day until one time he asked me if he can picked me up and we decided to go  to tita’s house (My best friend’s mom) for a visit since he wasn’t familiar yet with the place. When we were there, we talked to my best friend, a video call through skype. We talked ‘bout random things that’s happening. That time I met Louie through that video call, my best friend’s and Lester’s other cousin. After that talk, Lester, Tita, and I talked ‘bout things.

As time passed by Lester goes out of the house for a walk. That time, I decided to go home. While waiting for Lester to come back, Tita called and told me that my best friend and Louie has a plan of getting me through Louie’s name. Louie wants to apply for a fiancée visa since my best friend told him how bad I wanna go there but when Louie saw me together with Lester, Louie felt disappointed. I was disappointed then. L Tita told me not to tell Lester about that things then Lester and I went home.  When I’m home, Lester asked me about what tita had told me before, he told me that he heard Louie’s name and something about the plan.

That time I and Lester were  good friends, that night Lester told me that he likes me and he feels sad hearing that his cousin would get me. I stresses me out. That time, I knew that I like Lester too.  But things running out my mind, I don’t know what to do. I wanna go there, but I like Lester too. I can’t leave Lester for Louie at the same time, I can’t choose Lester over my dreams. L It’s hard to choose. Days passed, things are getting serious. I need to choose. We talked about this matter and Lester told me to go and pursue my dreams. “Choose Louie, I know he will take care of you and he will help you pursue your dreams, anyway, I can go there any time  I wanted to. We’ll see each other then. I love you but I don’t want to be one of the hindrances in making your decision. I wanted you to be happy.  I wanted you to pursue your dreams.

It hurts me, but that’s the only way I can support you. I can bring you there but it would take a lot of time, im under age and I can’t get you there unless I have my stable job and income to support you financially, unlike Louie. It breaks me, but I had to let go of you. It’s your decision then. It’s once in a lifetime opportunity. Don’t miss the chance because of me. If you feel like being with Louie, then go. I’ll be happy for the two of you. But if not, when I get there I’ll get you.

  Don’t tell me I don’t love you, because I sacrifice what I feel for you and your dreams, please don’t get me wrong. I love you.”  He texted me. It breaks me while reading his text messages. It seems that my whole system wanted to go for Louie but my heart is arguing with it.  L I need to decide, I chose Louie. “Louie.” I texted him. He replied “Then go then. I’ll be happy for you. I’m controlling what I feel for you. So that it will not be hard for me to move on. See you in Cali soon.” It was his last text.

Days after, I saw his relationship status in Facebook, His in a relationship with Ruffa. His ex. It breaks me to see it. But it’s my fault too. I knew that I hurt him but why didn’t he fight for me? L I texted him “ Ayos ah! Congrats,” he replied “How’s you and Louie? “ “Should I see you in cali na ba in a couple of years?” I didn’t replied. But I knew he knows that I’m affected. It breaks me. But I have to stand for my decision. Weeks passed, he texted me. “ I switch to globe, Lester here” “oh? Why? Kamusta na kayo ni ruffa bakit ka napatext??” I replied. “ Wala na. Just wanted to say sorry. I mean it when I said I love you. I made a wrong decision. I should not choose to be with ruffa, I should fight for what I know will make me happy, and it’s you. :)”

This text message got my attention and made me feel something like there’s a butterfly in my stomach, It made me smile as if I was crazy in love. That feeling I won’t forget that day. Since then, we bring back those passed days we’ve missed, we text each other 24 hours a day, received a call from each other often, and we make sure that both of us are updated on what the other is doing. I’m happy then.

Things running in my mind, questions left unanswered, How ‘bout Louie? I have to make up my mind then. It’s final. I need to be happy. I like Lester. And I love him. I’m learning to love him and accept him the way he is. Time will help me pursue my dream, States are always there it will not run away anyway, but this opportunity between the two of us to feel these mutual feelings inside would fade if I choose things over him. I won’t allow it anymore to happen.

I’m happy being  with him, his thoughts that made me believed that he loves me more than anyone, his thoughts that made me smile each time he said sweet words, his never-ending I love you that makes my heart skipped a beat. He means a lot to me. It’s just a feeling that comes from within. Never been planned, never been talked about. I do believed that time really brings him to me. I thought this is it. This is the second time of being with him, but it seems that romance wasn’t fit for the two of us. I don’t know what’s wrong but every time we’re okay something will go wrong and ruin everything.

As I browse my face book’s news feed, I saw ruffa (his ex) posts. “Ginagamit ko lang sya para makalimutan ka. “ and this post made me think, I asked Lester, but he told me he didn’t say anything to ruffa, they don’t even talked at all. I was hurt, I don’t know why. It’s a woman’s instinct. Minutes passed, message puffed. “niloloko ka lang nya.” I don’t what to feel. I don’t know what to do. And this time, Lester was not answering my phone calls. 🙁 damn.  My heart is breakin’ into pieces. Hours had passed, I decided to text him. I don’t feel anything. “Sana, di mo na ko pinaniwala sa mga I love you mo! Sana inamin mo nalang sakin na pinaglalaruan mo ko, para alam ko kung saan ako lulugar sayo! Tapos na lahat “ After hours, at around midnight, he texted me. A group message. “Drunk! On my way home! It hurts me! You let go of me without asking! :(“  “tapos na lahat? Bakit? Di ko sya binalikan, wala akong sinasabi sa kanya na kahit ano. “ I don’t know if I should believe. I ignored all his texts until I feel that something is missing. I need him. I don’t want him to leave me. L I feel sorry for what I did. I burst into tears. I texted him  “sorry, I didn’t mean what I said. I wanna talk to you.” Then he replied “Tinapos mo na, wala na kong dapat pang ipaliwanag. Magiingat ka nalang. “It hurts me. It really hurts me. I’m so sorry. 🙁  But he’s mad at me. I knew I hurt him, but I was hurt too. I don’t know how long would it take for him to forgive me. And as of now, we don’t talk. It’s been two days. I miss him so bad. I wanna hug him. 🙁 I love him so. If we’re not meant to be then time wouldn’t really allow us to spend time together. I’ll let God decide what to do, I just go with the flow. If he can’t accept my apology, so be it. I’ve done my part. I don’t wanna chase him. If he really loves me, he’ll not do this to me. I’m still hoping. I’m still hoping…..  all I can do is pray. I’m still hoping….. but if not

God has a better plan and I do believed that someone in this world will find me soon.. Someone whose hand will fit mine and will never let me go.

About Ivana Grace

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