We are in a time when people always think and wish of finding love in the most unexpected places – as the lyrics of the song goes. We cross the deepest seas, walk the farthest places and conquer the highest mountains to find that elusive affection from another human being.
We even search the wonderful worldwide web and added a thousand friends to our Facebook and Twitter accounts just for the simple reason – that maybe someday we can find the one true love that we can connect on a deeper level and validate our sense of worth as a person.
We were all born with a natural instinct of wanting to be loved. A newborn baby’s first few hours here on Earth would not survive without the immediate warmth and comfort of a mother’s love. This is probably the reason why some of us are still operating on child mode system when we grow up to be an adult. The childhood stage where the need for love and attention from our mothers, primary caregivers or whoever is available is very significant. This is for survival reason. But somehow people got stuck in this stage when the basic offering of love and attention has not been given. What we can’t find in our own marriage or family relationship, we tend to look for it somewhere else in whatever form possible.
It can be a person or a hobby or an addiction. Consciously, we pretend we don’t know it and even if we know, we don’t admit it. We are not being honest completely with ourselves. But subconsciously, it’s just there in the brain floating by, just waiting for that craving for love and attention to be triggered. It’s an understatement to say that sometimes, we do crazy things for love, right?
Then we grow older and yet, for some, not wiser when it comes to relationships. We are still hopelessly looking for that ”I want my mama or dada,” mentality which trapped us to the core of our being. We can’t escape it. We can’t cope with it. Then it will be worsened by separation anxiety during childhood. Most especially when our childhood experiences were filled with traumas and dysfunctional relationships with our family and environment – these will leave us wounded and scarred beyond our understanding. Little do we realize that these experiences are manifesting in so many different ways.
Then, by some stroke of luck we found love. But somewhere along the way – no matter how great things are – people change.
We are afraid of rejection. We are afraid to lose somebody because it will say something a lot about ourselves – that we are failures, losers and don’t deserve to be in a long-term , happy relationships. The ego gets in the way a lot of times. So we become depressed and broken. We tend to forget our own divinity – that we are made from the splitting image of God. Even before we are born we are designed to be that way.
CODEPENDENCY: What is this about and how it affects our happiness?
Mental Health America defined codependency as a kind of relationship addiction because, “people with codependency problem often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. “
Codependency in a relationship is when we depend on another person’s attention and love in order for us to find that security and sense of worth in ourselves. The uncertainty of things when a person in a relationship either with a boyfriend, wife or family – is not calling, not giving enough time, not expressing the love, not giving the respect we deserve , ignoring and rejecting us – these can throw us off-balance and can make anyone freak out easily if there is an emotional instability. Feeling insecure, jealous or betrayed is inevitable and natural. But, wallowing about it for a very long time is unhealthy. The universe is pushing us to the limit not to scare us but to teach us a lesson about ourselves.
So, we begin doing the litany of questions asking, “whys”. Why? Why? Why? Truth is, that is a good place to start.
When we have someone in our lives whom we give more love, time and effort than what we are supposed to receive, when we allow a partner, family or a friend to manipulate, control and abuse us physically or verbally and we can’t do anything about it – then it means that our relationship is not balance and we are giving that person all the control and power over us.
When we are giving too much, too clingy, too needy and receiving less, frustration and sadness set in. Our happiness depends so much on a person’s love that when the person leaves us or die the world starts to crumble into a million bits and pieces. There is nothing to hold on to. No rope to pull ourselves up from the dark pit. No anchor to save our boat from being swept away by the strong waves. Love drifts away on the ocean of nothingness and the whole life drowns with it.
If we think life is not going the way we want it to be, if we feel being victimized and bullied all the time by the people around us, if money is not coming and bills are piling up, if we stay in the same old thinking or poor state, if we keep getting the same type of guy who betrays our trust, if we feel the whole universe is against us, then, It’s time to face the greatest enemies of all time…
When we are looking for love out of need, desperation and staying in an unhealthy relationships, we usually shortchanged ourselves in having a better, joyful life.
Remember that love is a divine energy that we have to keep in balance in order for us to get the most out of it. Love should illuminate our being with joy and not deplete our energy with sadness and frustration. If we are in relationship that is zapping the energy out of us instead of feeding our need for true peace and happiness, then it means that we need to step back and reflect. There is so much noise out there that just being silent and tuning into ourselves is hard work.
We can’t always blame other people for our unhappiness. We cannot change or control them. Our life is a direct proof of our own thoughts and emotions. Whatever happens in our life right now – we WILL it to happen. Maybe consciously or unconsciously, but it all boils down to –us. Mistakes and failures don’t define us as a person. What is important is the NOW. And how to make our life anew.
There is a Universal Law that says, “As Within, So Without.” It is the mirror of our life. It means that we are reflecting in our outside world what we feel from inside.
How can we truly love a person when we don’t even know how to love ourselves. And it works both ways too. We can’t receive what we can’t give to other people. If we feel so miserable and hopeless about life, we will see sadness everywhere. If we think we are not worthy of love – you bet, that is so right. It is the simple rule of life.
If we don’t have the courage to leave a bad relationship, defend ourselves from all kinds of abuse or can’t stand our ground against people and don’t have the guts to change the whole situation, then there is something wrong somewhere.
So, how can we empower and raise ourselves higher?
Here are the 17 bullet points to ponder:
- forgetting the past mistakes and forgiving the people we hurt and who hurt us back.
- not beating ourselves up for the bad decisions we have made in life.
- putting our needs on top of our priorities
- giving ourselves the needed respect and kindness
- making our life better each passing day (not making it perfect)
- taking care of ourselves and finding the ways to make us happy
- cultivating creativity through hobbies and passions
- being financially independent
- controlling our emotions and not letting problems to weigh us down
- not sacrificing for the sake of other people’s happiness
- being more loving and compassionate
- having more faith in God, ourselves and humanity
- not pleasing other people
- not taking things personally
- trusting our own intuition in making decisions
- not giving up on our own identity
- finding our own HERO
In other words, we need to find the love and make changes from within – so we can start loving ourselves once again. Because, the more we put an effort in taking care of our own needs, the happier we become and the more we can radiate love to other people.
Self-love is not about being selfish or being a narcissist. It’s not about putting ourselves on a pedestal. It’s about giving us the importance that we rightly deserve. Because when we do, love will find its way back to us.
It always does.
How about you? Have you ever experienced a kind of feeling or situation like this? If you do, just remember this, you are not alone.
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