As I write my answers on my sheet of paper, I remember the words I used to write at the back of my notebooks when the subject is boring. I used to say I hate growing up because it makes you responsible-not that you become responsible on its course, but you have to be responsible. And when you’re responsible, you begin to have problems, problems such as “you can’t make yourself responsible for yourself”. And adults dwell with problems too much that they forget to enjoy life. Today, I got frustrated that I can’t be responsible for myself so I’m having a problem. And it frustrates me more because I can’t laugh about it anymore-which I used to do. I used to shrug when I can’t answer my quizzes or when I can’t finish my assignments. I used to not to care. And I’m enjoying life back then. Now, I dwell with problems so I guess I’m growing up-and I didn’t like it. Because I used to think that I’m more mature than most adults do. And I really hate growing up.
These are the exact words I wrote on my test paper after I finished answering my exam. Our instructor said we can write anything on the test paper since it will become ours after the test. So I thought I didn’t need to give it back to her. (I was actually surprised when she asked us to give it back). So as I pass my paper, I crossed my fingers hoping that she will not notice what I wrote because I didn’t want her to read it – it’s embarrassing! (And I really don’t know what came on me that made me write those on the paper. I knew I was really having a bad day that time because I wasn’t able to finish what I’m supposed to do and it made me feel bad, yet it made me think and look back. I long for those simpler days when requirements were not much of a problem and missing a quiz or assignment doesn’t mean a lot of things. I wish to go back to those times when I can come to class fresh, had eaten breakfast and had enough sleep-simple things I didn’t appreciate when I still have them. I wanted to laugh and not care about failed exams. I wanted to promise myself I could make it up again. I’ve always believed that “my grades don’t define me – its just numbers, what I learned is what matters”. This is what I usually tell myself. Somehow it comforts me and gives me the boost of determination to move on and make it up,) I was surprised I was expecting more from myself. I’m afraid that some may not understand, but I guess I believe that it’s not about achieving a lot of labels that makes you who you are or make the other people look at you. And does it really matter how other people look at you? Isn’t it on how you look at yourself and how you use whatever you have achieved to relate and help other people? Really, what’s the use of being top in the class when you can’t even lift a finger to teach your other classmates who seem to have difficulty understanding the lesson? And really, do you have to the top of the class to actually help the others? If you are able, then why not? Isn’t it the same thing in life? What’s the use of you being the best or having a lot of money or driving the fastest car or living on the grandest house when you can’t use it to help others in need? Or do you really have to have all of those before you actually act?
I wonder why do grown-ups always ask for more even if they have it, and why do children always have the simplest but they’re contented? Why do grown-ups never run out of problems and why do children never run out of reason to smile and laugh? Isn’t it amazing that we teach the young but most of the time they’re the ones who give life’s greatest lessons?
“We were pushed towards adulthood; at times we even mourn for its coming but gracefully surrender things!” -ma’am Birch
My instructor was able to read my note and she gave me this. I’m glad she understood. It comforted me somehow, that I’m not the only one on this confusing time. Maybe I really have to undergo growing up, perhaps to make room for more lessons to learn. But I was hoping not lose those I already have.
- Cruel World We Have - November 19, 2015
- Strengthening Your Relationship (and getting rid of your on-again-off-again routine relationship) - November 30, 2013
- Paano Kung? - March 10, 2013
- Positive Reinforcements! - March 4, 2013
- For You, Mama - March 3, 2013
- Graded Recitation! - March 2, 2013
- Let Me Tell you this, Ianne - January 30, 2013
- Failed Quiz! - August 10, 2012
- A Tribute to SIR ENTENG - August 7, 2012
- The Best We Ever Had - June 16, 2012