Influence isn’t the cause of this bad habit, it is a choice between being lonely or having something to do. For the past years, the idea of smoking enticed me, but I wasn’t influenced.
I fell into the trap because I need to.
The sweet strong scent of tobacco in my fingers makes me remember the special people around me. I smoked because of the memory.
Yes, I am one of those bitter persons who cannot find something better else to do but vent the anger that I feel into something that can never make it any better.
Depression is the little devil that made me light the flame that slowly clogs my brain and brings me into the world that I thought will make me be who I imagine myself will be. I never realized that I would adopt a lifestyle I never saw I would live up to.
“Isang yosi nga manang..”
The feeling of excitement wraps me when I puff a cigar. It takes me to another world. Smoking made me part of a crowd. I get to ask some cigarettes from people and I get to talk to. I gained friends and they now come to me for a smoke. I felt that I truly belonged. I puffed 3 cigarettes in a row, my head spinned for a moment and I smiled.
I can survive this lonesome world I said.
With a cigar in my right hand, I came across into the happiness I thought that would last.
“Isang kahang black nga po kuya..”
A friend said that I smoke too much already. I started to smoke more than I expected. It is not a smart move for a girl like me who hated smoking, but irony strikes at times.
Slowly, smoking became my enemy. I am losing myself to something not worth it. Someone told me that it is not me anymore. I don’t even know me anymore.
Smoking made a difference in my life. At times, I cry at night and wish that it could have been different. If I light a cigarette, I feel bad because it’s not me.
Now, I am on my first and last cigarette for the day, I just puff and let the smoke blow my memories away. Gradually, these memories will fade away….