This is not my first letter to you. I’ve written a lot about you, and you had never read about it. I wrote poems and love stories inspired by you, and many letters, but none of them would ever meet your eyes. I know, this letter may not also reach you, but it is fine though, I would still write this one.
We were in our second year of college life back then. I was the president of the batch and you were the auditor. I have heard a lot about you even before I actually saw you. You were very intelligent as people have said, well it is really true. They also said that you were handsome, and I beg to disagree on this until now, because for me, you are just an ordinary face with fair complexion and big rounded brown eyes. Rumors also revealed that you had a great voice, but I don’t think many of them knew that you can also dance. You were great, almost perfect, but I knew way back then that it was not love at first sight. Yes, you were somewhat attractive, but I was not attracted to you on the first time I laid my eyes on you. Because of the college’s organization, we did find each other’s company. Only then, we claimed ourselves as best friends. I didn’t disagree even if I had a girl best friend that time, because it was no harm and I know I wouldn’t have special feelings for a guy friend. That very moment, you had a girl friend for tree years, and I had an ultimate crush that was two years older than us. You were a CE and I was ECE that instance, but we both changed course to EE. It was not agreed that we both had to shift to the same course, maybe it was just a plain coincidence. You really wanted the course CE, but you were very worried about the slot for the scholarship that was why you shifted to EE. I also had my different reason for shifting from ECE to EE.
We were always together, every meeting for the organization, and even on our scheduled duty at the dean’s office. Some had mistaken us as boyfriend and girlfriend, but we both explained that we were just friends. When you were not at anywhere to find, I was the one who knew your whereabouts because you would let me know where you were up to before leaving. We call each other PANGET. You sometimes called me “Bachi” and “Bachoi”, but PANGET was the official endearment we called each other, for best friends of course.
I don’t know when my stupid feelings all started. I just woke up one day, and felt jealousy for your girlfriend. I just woke up one day and felt my heart breaking whenever you told stories about your girl and how you loved her that much. I just woke up one day and felt happy whenever I was with you. I just woke up one day and longed for you when you were not around. I just woke up one day and felt so strange. I just woke up one day and knew that I was falling in love with you, and I knew that I had to keep the truth from you. I just woke up one day and started to realize that I loved you. And then the rest was history. I refuse to remember everything, though memories of togetherness haunt me every now and then.
We shared great moments together, all the laughter, and all the arguments we had. I wish you remembered it all for always. I know how stupid I was for letting myself fall for you, but I never intended it to happen, it just did. I was in pain. I was in grudge. I was my best and my worst when I loved you.
I would never ask you now if you had ever reciprocated all the love that I was willing to offer, I would only thank you. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for making me feet the things I never thought I would. Thank you for making me feel like myself. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for saying sorry even though it was my fault. Thank you for understanding me and my temperamental side. Thank you for bringing out the best and the worst in me. Thank you for teaching me some Maths. Thank you for sharing your notes, projects and assignments with me. Thank you for the times you spent researching in the library with me. Thank you for trying to make me smile. Thank you for cracking jokes even though I would always say it’s corny but would certainly laugh at it. Thank you for believing I need not lose weight. Thank you for trying to comfort me when I am scared and about to cry. Thank you for the respect. Thank you for letting me see the side of you no other people ever saw. Thank you for the heartaches and pain. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.
I have moved on. Though I remember you sometimes, like now, doesn’t mean I am still stuck with the past. I have forgiven you, and forgiven myself too. I am sorry also for all the things that I did that hurt you and made you embarrassed. I know I am really rude, and I am sorry for that. I hope you forgive me too. And please, don’t forget to remember me, sometimes.
- My Apology - July 24, 2012
- An Open Letter For The One Who Had My Heart For Five Long Years - June 14, 2012