I wasn’t enough.
That was what I always thought. I saw myself always broken, and thought he would make me whole. But I was wrong.
I thought I became pretty only when he said I was. I never realized I had some magic in me that is beyond pretty, despite the scars, and a bit of darkness. I thought he was the beautiful one. Time showed me, he hasn’t been always.
I thought he gave me life. I never realized I was the one giving him air. And it seems he had been feeding me lies. And it no longer matter if it was deliberate or otherwise. Not anymore.
I had been strong but never felt it. I realized the truth, and it was late. But not too late, it seems. My decision to leave was strength on it’s own. And my striving to go on, and keep hoping still, despite the ugliness and the void that won’t go away, shows I had been brave. Or at least fighting. Even the pretense of strength is a sign of will.
Lately, I realized I am never ordinary. I never do things halfheartedly. And at times, it’s to the edge. I thought he understood me, but it seems he just tolerated what we were then. I’ve lots of love to give, and he couldn’t handle it. My fullness isn’t meant for him. He is so shallow, he cannot contain me, and all the love I could give. Much more, he drowned, and couldn’t give back.
I used to think I was mostly at fault. But I know now that I am wrong. I wasn’t always. At times, it had not been me, at all. But I’ve blinded myself. I made myself a fool. I was in deep sh*t, but thought it was still Love.
I had prayed for the right man, and he wasn’t that. Maybe that’s why we had to part ways. I had wanted him, but he had never been the one I need. He had not been The One. He was My Past. That, and none else now.
I realize now that it would take someone who is whole, not one who is more broken than I am (nor one who enjoyed breaking things). It requires someone who would complement me; because I already am complete. I am mending, but all the pieces are still here. It would have to be someone who can handle a lot; because my love runs deep, it almost has no end. And it should be someone who would give back, who won’t hold back, and be stronger than I could ever be.
And the things I’ve been through, all the lessons, all my trials — everything in the past would make more sense than now.
I would not be alone forever. And now I understand that I am no longer lonely. I need not be afraid to love, or be loved in return. After all, Love knows no fear.
There is beauty in this journey, that I finally see. And right now, I have more hope. He will come — The One, for whom I will wait and is worthy of it — and I will be his prize. This strong and bright and awesome man would be my equal, my ally — my lover. Somewhere, he also waits. He might be breathing the same air, or looking up to the same stars. Or walking the same pavement. Each second, gets us an inch closer than the last. It’s as if I hear his footsteps, and feel him walk beside me. I haven’t seen his face, nor heard his voice, and he is yet but a name-less soul without a face.
But my heart can tell he is on his way. Even now, as I walk forward, my soul anticipates. My heart tells me, I love him already.