A Year Ago

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Naniniwala ka ba sa premonition? Hindi rin ako. Noon. Until this happened to me.

A year ago, around January, nagkaayaan kami ng mga kaibigan ko na magpunta sa isang Mall medyo malayo sa amin kase bagsak presyo or Sale, year-end Inventory. Mostly ang sale ay sa mga damit lalu na mga dress at totoo nga sale talaga sila lalu na at mga signature clothes pa. Wala akong balak na bumili ng kahit ano noon gusto ko lang talaga sumama para gumala. But there was one shop na napuntahan namin sa sobrang daming magagandang damit at sobrang baba ng presyo.

I am not the type of person na mahilig sa dress lalo na at black color or ‘yung mga patay ang kulay, hindi ko talaga type and everyone who knows me can attest to that. But then I don’t know bakit that time nagustuhan ko talaga ‘yung damit, it was a sleeveless long plane black dress, as in tube talaga sya. Kahit sino nakakakilala sa ‘kin will probably ask bakit ko yun binili. I don’t exactly know as well that time bakit ko nagustuhan yun.

Then we went around the area, and I saw another Black and White long dress, still sleeveless but not tube. I bought the two dress without knowing where to use it. I just felt that time of buying it. And then there was one time again in another mall, again I saw a dress, above the knee length, colored black and dark blue. And I bought it again. It looks so nice for me that time although I am not really a fan of dark colors.

I felt weird as the days passes by when I saw my cabinet with these dark and black color dress. I started to think why did i bought those things. There comes a time I thought, baka gamitin ko sa pagluluka, pero kanino naman. So hindi ko na lang din pinansin.

And then dumating yung time na, unconsciously I was practicing a eulogy for my father. I swear that time I don’t know what’s happening in me and it didn’t happen once, ilang beses ko namamalayan yung sarili kong nagrerecall sa mga nangyari sa ‘min ng tatay ko, yung mga dapat sasabihin ko sa kanya and all.

And then that day came, it was after midnight and early morning of July 7, 2016 just after naming magcelebrate ng birthday ng kasama ko sa room,  I had a very bad stomachache, halos ilang beses talaga ako dumumi at namilipit ako sa sakit ng tiyan. Ang ipinagtataka ko, parepareho naman kami ng kinain ng mga kasama ko pero bakit habang himbing na sila sa pagtulog, hindi ko naman maintindihan kung magpapadala ba ako sa hospital sa sobrang sakit ng naramdaman ko.

And then I got a message from my brother, he’s rushing back home kase dinala daw sa hospital ang tatay. The message wasn’t complete but I know something was wrong. So I called my aunt who’s looking after my tatay around one o’clock morning in my place and confirmed with her that they rushed him to the hospital hours ago kase daw namimilipit sa sakit ng tiyan. I told her I’ll just call again later for the update. I went to sleep praying that its just a simple pain in the stomach.

Between 5 and 6 am in the morning, I called my brother again and he told me that tatay was in the ICU and sobrang baba ng BP 60/40 so they need blood transfusion kase hindi na rin sya narerespond. He talked to the doctor and told him if after blood transfusion at hindi pa rin nagrespond, wala na silang magagawa. But my brother refused to give up so he told them to try it again.

My brother was honest to me that time telling me na hindi maganda ang lagay ni tatay at kung kaya kong umuwi, gawin ko. After the call I checked my things, my labour card will be expired after ten days. So I knew that time I wont be able to come home. I sent a message to my brother to tell him my situation, and he told me medyo nag OK naman daw yung BP ni tatay at kung hindi daw talaga ako makakauwi wag ko na lang pilitin. And then I told him to update me kung ano nangyayari. That day I just stayed home hindi na ako sumama sa mga roomate ko na lumabas.

I called my mother to tell what happen although I know it was awkward that time basta sinabi ko pa rin kung ano nangyayari. She said mabuti at nandun si kuya. She was right. Kasi kung nangyari yun na wala si kuya, it will be very difficult for him to go home. That day passed by I just hope and pray hard na malampasan ni tatay yun. And then the next day, July 8, early morning tumawag ako kay kuya, the doctors talked to him, and explain na kahit tumaas na yung BP ni tatay, hindi pa rin stable ang lagay nya, its up to us kung itutuloy pa namin kasi hindi na talaga nagrerespond ang ibang vital signs nya. And then the next hour, he called me to tell the bad news, wala na si tatay. That was right after I click the sent button of the money transfer.

Naaalala ko pa rin ang boses ni kuya habang sinasabi niya ang balita, he was crying and saying “hindi ko man lang siya naalagaan” I felt bad for him that time. I just told him ang mahalaga andun siya nung time na ‘yun, naintindihan na ‘yun ng tatay.

I contacted my office mate to confirm if hindi talaga ako puwede umuwi. Then I asked the HR as well, and they told me if OK pa ‘yung Visa so walang problema basta kailangan makabalik ako before expiration ng Visa. I then checked online ang price ng ticket and I was saved by the credit card kasi sobrang mahal na ng ticket and I didn’t have money na that time. Ang nasa isip ko na lang talaga nun, basta makauwi ako. Then my mom called, pinapauwi daw siya ni kuya, sabi ko if puwede siya umuwi, umuwi na lang din siya for the last time.

July 10, 2016 I thought that was the longest travel I have ever made. Hindi ako natulog from 2 hrs travel to airport and then 9 hrs to Philippines and another 2 hrs to our home. Sa eroplano, I made my eulogy and tried to remember everything. Noon ko naalala why I bought those dress, why I have those moments before, why I had that stomach ache.

It all comes so clear that time. And then few moments with him came flashing back to me, when I was a small kid and he’s taking me out in the woods, that time when I first went abroad and he asked me if kaya ko and that time when I needed to say good bye and I hugged him and I remember that was the only time I hugged him. Iilan lang ‘yung magagandang alaala na meron kami and most of the time we were busy earning a living.

It was a year ago tatay, but I feel I have never cried it all.

Pag naalala kita, naiiyak na lang ako, just like now. Hindi naman tayo close, hindi nga tayo matagal na magkasama, pero masakit pa rin hanggang ngayon lahat yun kahit it all happened a year ago. Para kaseng lalung lumaki yung kulang sa buhay ko. Para kasing ang daming sana na hindi nangyari at hindi na mangyayari. Para kasing nawalan ako ng buto sa katawan, para kasing hinang-hina ako. Para kasing kahit anong gawin ko hindi mawawala yung sakit na wala ka na.

It was a year ago, pero ganun pa rin kasakit magpaalam sa iyo, Tatay.

About ava bila onante

Im not a writer but I love sharing anything about my life.
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