During the start of my 2012, I was hoping it would still pass by like the previous years that I had. The lesser the drama, the better.
But during the 1st quarter of the year, I got this sudden feeling of nostalgia. It had been 5 years since my last boyfriend. Tagal na rin noh? Namiss ko na yung feeling na nagmamahal ka at minamahal ka rin in return. But I guess, I can’t expect life to give me a guy this instant who’ll propose and promise me that he will never ever hurt me and will never ever hurt me no matter what right? So I continued drifting…
And because my lovelife is zero for the past couple of years, I became so attached with my girl-friends. We’re six in a group. We’re classmates in college and I considered them to be my sister.
I won’t be barging around here saying our friendship is smooth sailing. We’ve also had our own fair share of “away moments”. It’s normal right? And from what I’ve observed, it seemed like for the past years, I did most of the effort. Pag may nag-aaway, kahit alam kung hindi ko naman kasalanan, ako na lang ang humihingi ng sorry kasi ayoko ng pahabain pa ang usapan. Kasi nga love ko sila. Ayokong tuluyang mabuwag yung so-called friendship namin.
But this one particular summer.. It seemed different.. almost like I’m tired of being my own self anymore.
We had another fight within the group. And again, it was I who tried to patch things up. I set aside my pride and again said sorry. For no apparent reason, this time, I felt alienated… It seems like the words sorry didn’t even reach my heart.. Her words kept ringing inside my head “Nag expect ko nga kamo gihapon ang muuna ug duol sa akoa.. Well, magkinaunsa man gani, bahala na…” (sorry for using Bisaya)
That hurts you know. I had this sudden churning inside my stomach. I felt disgusted, betrayed.. I never thought, my friend, my sister would have the guts to actually say those words in front of me. And to think that I let my world revolve around them! And there they were, ready to throw the friendship away just because of some petty misunderstanding! It’s infuriating actually…
I admit, I am not a perfect person.. I mean who is perfect here anyway? I make mistakes. Lots of them, actually.. But ever since, when I say sorry, I mean it. And back then, I let my world revolve around the idea of not offending others. This was a good thing.. but it came to a point when I realize that everything was just pretense because of that attitude. It came to a point when I say sorry not because I was the one at fault but because I wanted to skip the drama of further cold shoulder war and viciously scripted series of confrontation.
But after that said argument, I was back to my old self again. I let it all pass by… I thought we were okaaaaay.. or so I thought.. Those words keep on hunting me…
And right now, I’m starting to get used to the idea that we have different priorities set now.
It’s gonna be one tough semester ahead.. But I’ll get by.. I’ll be okaaay.. The thing is, Hindi ako ang nagkulang. Ang mali ko lang is pinahalagahan ko lang sila ng sobra.
Parting words for my readers, “If certain people make you feel less needed, keep distance.”
I’m gonna miss them, that’s for sure… but I think this is my end of the straw.