First and for most, I am proud of you no matter what. You’ve come a looong way. This isn’t the time to give up. I know you miss your old self, the old _______ who can smile and be positive about the world, the old Angelica who is a friend to all kinds of people, a hardworking Angelica, the one who busy herself doing amazing stuffs, the one who is afraid to get a low score test, the one who is imaginably a dreamer for herself and for her family. The old Angelica is happy, I know. She never minds the bad in this world, for she doesn’t know back then, all she can see is a bright future, a happy world to live in.
But now, you have learned so much in this world. World isn’t about black and white, no, there are gray, red and blue, it depends.
In short, you have learned that the world is not just one sided, it has many faces.
You have learned to realize this, because of some experiences that brought you here. Life cannot offer you everything. You have learned love in a deeper way, you started disliking people, and you started to distrust people, even yourself. You have come to realize that fear is eating you alive. You have come to know that you can’t please many people in this world that some people just simply don’t like you and for that, you tried to make another version of you.
You tried to be somebody else and it finally came to you that you’re not happy and sooner the system will just eat you up. You started to learn that there are different people in this world, different kinds, angels and monsters, bad and good, superstars and goons. You started knowing your real friends. You kinda made an organization, there are friends just for travel leisure, for fun and games, friends at work, friends you just say hi for a second, and luckily, friends that stays forever.
I tell you what, life isn’t black and white, it is a rainbow. For that, you finally came up with an answer that life is a coloring book, you choose what color to be put on.
When you’re still a child you only see the beautiful basic colors that makes up the world, but when you grow up, you finally realize that there are gray, maroon, fuchsia and beige. You suddenly learn the color palette. In this world, you strive hard, you really did.
If you don’t, then why are you here anyway?
Some people will let you down, judge you, belittle you but let me tell you this, they don’t own you. You own yourself, you have the control besides God, so another thing, ask him. There are moments in your life when you didn’t know what to do, when you are stuck suddenly in a middle of nowhere, you can’t walk a little because you just didn’t know what to do. So, ask God for directions.
Just remember, that always do what you love, always reach for that dream, never stop, always give your hundred percent at everything, because in the end, it will pay you a reward. Life isn’t depressing at all, you are not the only one who thinks and feels like an idiot for a moment.
When you feel you’re worthless, don’t stay in bed for too long, stand up. And if your parents started nagging you for doing nothing, maybe they are right, you have to do something, cause time’s running up, it won’t wait you, maybe you’re late but you can catch up and when the time comes that you already know what to do, you’re just exact in time.
Maybe you’re in a line between “going there” to “finish”, we all are. These feelings of loneliness, sadness, it will fade away once we know who we really are and what we are here for. It is a journey, so embrace every second of it. We will all end up being happy and whole at the end.
Just remember, don’t stay too long in bed. There’s still a chance for everyone.
- A Letter to Myself - March 15, 2017
- Letter to the Guy who left me hanging ( P.S. I almost died in the rope) - September 26, 2014