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I’m Sorry. I’m still Hoping. I Love You. :(

About Ivana Grace

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As time passed by Lester goes out of the house for a walk. That time, I decided to go home. While waiting for Lester to come back, Tita called and told me that my best friend and Louie has a plan of getting me through Louie’s name. Louie wants to apply for a fiancée visa since my best friend told him how bad I wanna go there but when Louie saw me together with Lester, Louie felt disappointed. I was disappointed then. L Tita told me not to tell Lester about that things then Lester and I went home.  When I’m home, Lester asked me about what tita had told me before, he told me that he heard Louie’s name and something about the plan.

That time I and Lester were  good friends, that night Lester told me that he likes me and he feels sad hearing that his cousin would get me. I stresses me out. That time, I knew that I like Lester too.  But things running out my mind, I don’t know what to do. I wanna go there, but I like Lester too. I can’t leave Lester for Louie at the same time, I can’t choose Lester over my dreams. L It’s hard to choose. Days passed, things are getting serious. I need to choose. We talked about this matter and Lester told me to go and pursue my dreams. “Choose Louie, I know he will take care of you and he will help you pursue your dreams, anyway, I can go there any time  I wanted to. We’ll see each other then. I love you but I don’t want to be one of the hindrances in making your decision. I wanted you to be happy.  I wanted you to pursue your dreams.

It hurts me, but that’s the only way I can support you. I can bring you there but it would take a lot of time, im under age and I can’t get you there unless I have my stable job and income to support you financially, unlike Louie. It breaks me, but I had to let go of you. It’s your decision then. It’s once in a lifetime opportunity. Don’t miss the chance because of me. If you feel like being with Louie, then go. I’ll be happy for the two of you. But if not, when I get there I’ll get you.

  Don’t tell me I don’t love you, because I sacrifice what I feel for you and your dreams, please don’t get me wrong. I love you.”  He texted me. It breaks me while reading his text messages. It seems that my whole system wanted to go for Louie but my heart is arguing with it.  L I need to decide, I chose Louie. “Louie.” I texted him. He replied “Then go then. I’ll be happy for you. I’m controlling what I feel for you. So that it will not be hard for me to move on. See you in Cali soon.” It was his last text.

Days after, I saw his relationship status in Facebook, His in a relationship with Ruffa. His ex. It breaks me to see it. But it’s my fault too. I knew that I hurt him but why didn’t he fight for me? L I texted him “ Ayos ah! Congrats,” he replied “How’s you and Louie? “ “Should I see you in cali na ba in a couple of years?” I didn’t replied. But I knew he knows that I’m affected. It breaks me. But I have to stand for my decision. Weeks passed, he texted me. “ I switch to globe, Lester here” “oh? Why? Kamusta na kayo ni ruffa bakit ka napatext??” I replied. “ Wala na. Just wanted to say sorry. I mean it when I said I love you. I made a wrong decision. I should not choose to be with ruffa, I should fight for what I know will make me happy, and it’s you. :)”

This text message got my attention and made me feel something like there’s a butterfly in my stomach, It made me smile as if I was crazy in love. That feeling I won’t forget that day. Since then, we bring back those passed days we’ve missed, we text each other 24 hours a day, received a call from each other often, and we make sure that both of us are updated on what the other is doing. I’m happy then.

Things running in my mind, questions left unanswered, How ‘bout Louie? I have to make up my mind then. It’s final. I need to be happy. I like Lester. And I love him. I’m learning to love him and accept him the way he is. Time will help me pursue my dream, States are always there it will not run away anyway, but this opportunity between the two of us to feel these mutual feelings inside would fade if I choose things over him. I won’t allow it anymore to happen.

I’m happy being  with him, his thoughts that made me believed that he loves me more than anyone, his thoughts that made me smile each time he said sweet words, his never-ending I love you that makes my heart skipped a beat. He means a lot to me. It’s just a feeling that comes from within. Never been planned, never been talked about. I do believed that time really brings him to me. I thought this is it. This is the second time of being with him, but it seems that romance wasn’t fit for the two of us. I don’t know what’s wrong but every time we’re okay something will go wrong and ruin everything.

As I browse my face book’s news feed, I saw ruffa (his ex) posts. “Ginagamit ko lang sya para makalimutan ka. “ and this post made me think, I asked Lester, but he told me he didn’t say anything to ruffa, they don’t even talked at all. I was hurt, I don’t know why. It’s a woman’s instinct. Minutes passed, message puffed. “niloloko ka lang nya.” I don’t what to feel. I don’t know what to do. And this time, Lester was not answering my phone calls. 🙁 damn.  My heart is breakin’ into pieces. Hours had passed, I decided to text him. I don’t feel anything. “Sana, di mo na ko pinaniwala sa mga I love you mo! Sana inamin mo nalang sakin na pinaglalaruan mo ko, para alam ko kung saan ako lulugar sayo! Tapos na lahat “ After hours, at around midnight, he texted me. A group message. “Drunk! On my way home! It hurts me! You let go of me without asking! :(“  “tapos na lahat? Bakit? Di ko sya binalikan, wala akong sinasabi sa kanya na kahit ano. “ I don’t know if I should believe. I ignored all his texts until I feel that something is missing. I need him. I don’t want him to leave me. L I feel sorry for what I did. I burst into tears. I texted him  “sorry, I didn’t mean what I said. I wanna talk to you.” Then he replied “Tinapos mo na, wala na kong dapat pang ipaliwanag. Magiingat ka nalang. “It hurts me. It really hurts me. I’m so sorry. 🙁  But he’s mad at me. I knew I hurt him, but I was hurt too. I don’t know how long would it take for him to forgive me. And as of now, we don’t talk. It’s been two days. I miss him so bad. I wanna hug him. 🙁 I love him so. If we’re not meant to be then time wouldn’t really allow us to spend time together. I’ll let God decide what to do, I just go with the flow. If he can’t accept my apology, so be it. I’ve done my part. I don’t wanna chase him. If he really loves me, he’ll not do this to me. I’m still hoping. I’m still hoping…..  all I can do is pray. I’m still hoping….. but if not

God has a better plan and I do believed that someone in this world will find me soon.. Someone whose hand will fit mine and will never let me go.

  • Ivana Grace

    Hi guys! thanks for reading and sharing as well. 🙂 i hope you could read the part two of my story. :))

    @Jessa maria: True, i hope i can get through this. I believed, this has a purpose.:)
    @Charing: Thankyou. :*

  • charing

    Ang lungkot ng estorya mo, goodluck sayo

  • jessa maria

    passed this stage…and still battling to overcome the feeling… has been years and yet the pain is still here and the longing makes it more difficult to forget