My Choice
The Journey
The journey has been long, and this stage has not been easy. At times, there are stumbling blocks which are hard to get through; a perilous course on a dark path. At other times, blissful, festive, and speckled with sunlight. I am still on the process of healing some bruises and getting my strength back. The journey has been hard more than easy. But I don’t have any choice but to move on. I should have given up at the first sight of the difficulties; stayed back and just hide in my comfort zone. I should have just cried in the corner and asked someone to carry me over, or remove the hurdles for me to easily pass through the path. Or I should have chosen another road without any obstacle, for an easier journey. But then, I was meant to be there and I don’t regret it. I survived, and only then that I realized how strong I am.
The journey continues, easier than it has been. Life’s blessings are given, and life’s ocean is calm and peaceful. And I thought would remain forever. But that is not how the universe works. I was made ready for another phase of the obstacle course. I knew it, yet I didn’t expect that soon. I was and am a worry freak. I cannot focus at the onset of the race seeing the endless blocks ahead of me; even more when rain pours like it would not stop. I cannot pretend to be strong, yet I cannot manage to show that I am weak. I felt the need to stay in my corner for a while. To ask questions of many whys and to let myself cry a few tears. I can feel the trembling inside me; the feeling brought by the thought of the unknown ahead of me. A part of me is hesitant to move out from the comfort zone. But thinking that this phase has also its end made me feel a little comforted. I am trying to figure how, and why do I need to go on with this. Why do I need to tell myself that I am strong and that I can overcome one more stage of life’s obstacle course.
I accepted the challenge. But what I hated is that, of all people, it’s myself whom I am hard up to convince. There are lot of moments of doubt about what I can do and what more can I survive. I know it would be easy not to go on; to just give up and stay still in my comfort zone and watch others do the fight. But situations won’t allow me to. And I am even expected to be in the frontline, to lead the challenge; to make decisions; to keep an eye on everyone, and even to be responsible for whatever actions to be taken. Huge responsibility which the child-in-me says” I am inexperienced to go through it.”, yet a part of me says, “If not me, who else will do?”.
I accepted the challenge. I learned to be patient. I learned not to complain a lot (just for sometimes now); I learned to be calm in figuring out solutions, I learned not to freak out and shout to everyone when I get pressured on something, and most, I learned to pray and pray and pray everytime a voice tells me to “just give up”.
Life lets us experience a mixture of stories; of suffering, survival and success; of hate, indifference and unconditional love; of loneliness, depression and pure happiness; of losing, crying over and finding again, of letting go and acceptance, of fighting the odds or going through the flow. To be both wise and foolish; to be loved, betrayed, abandoned and to forgive. These make life not boring, these make us appreciate the beauty of the path with hope and faith.
I need courage, strength, determination, gratitude and patience to go through life. Yes, I have to keep my strength on guard to take care of a family; to help an ailing brother; to let everyone in the family survive everyday; to save what is left with us by our parents. I have to be strong to live my life; to be at work; to fulfil a dream, to pursue my passion; to do what I always want to do; sail seas, climb mountains, do road trips, take pictures, be with people I love. I can do all these with the blessings given to me. For my job, for the family and friends, for my parents who brought me up to be someone who can survive the world whatever it brings; for every person who may never know all my struggles, yet understand and give me a smile and a pat on the shoulder whenever they feel worry in my silence. I am thankful for the loving hands that guide me, hold me and never letting me go however huge the waves I am battling. Thank you for not giving up on me along the journey; for always being there to cheer me up and make me feel good when I feel so tired hurdling the blocks on my way. Thank you for the unconditional love you showed me and made me feel.
There is more in this journey, but through it all, even in the mists, I can see a small pinpoint of light; even with blind belief, I know where I am supposed to go. Yes, I need to be strong, becauseI don’t have any other choice but to be strong.
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