SCENE 1—- ( 11 years ago)I saw blood coming from his nose and mouth. I heard the cries of her mother and siblings. I couldn’t stand the sight, I left the scene. I felt so sad, I am not immune to see somebody die in front of me. My clinical instructor asked if I could perform post mortem..I felt nauseated..the idea frightened me. I gave my gloves to my classmate and asked him if he could do it for me.
SCENE 2—-( 4-5 years ago) I took his blood pressure–60/40.He was sitting in front of me, a thin, old man, wrinkled by days that had passed by….thinned by life’s challenges. I was newly graduate then…”In the hospital this BP is only for those who are dying, I told him”. He just looked at me. He did not say anything if he wanted to go to the hospital. He had no choice, they have no money…A few hours later I just found myself , holding his hands, sitting in front of him while he lay on that wooden bed…pursed- lip breathing, without any movement….I wa so worried for him, I looked at his family members crying and verbalized my wish to bring him to the hospital immediately because he is really in danger, yet they asked me what’s the guarantee that he will live if they will bring him to the hospital…I couldn’t answer them..I wanted to get him away from death, yet I couldn’t do anything…I could do CPR, but what’s next? If they will not call for medical help or bring him to the hospital…then CPR would be useless because the patient is severely dehydrated..I just held his hand and prayed…after a while he passed away..I remembered something from a book that dying is painless especially if there’s not enough fluid in the body. I hope so. Without medical equipment and medication, knowledge is no use in saving lives, in life or death situations.
SCENE 3—- ( 14 years ago) He’s already ok and will go home soon. I did not visit him because the hospital is far from home. By the time I reached his room during weekend and I had no class….he had just had a cardiac arrest! My tears fell…Why he didn’t wait for me? He was battling with death when I thought I could see and kiss him. I was just a minute late and the idea gives me a thousand death of heartaches..
SCENE 4—- ( 4 years ago) Seeing three deaths in one day—different places, different times, different persons….with the same two eyes I have while helping my grandmother fight her illness. Why is life so cruel?
SCENE 5—-( 7 years ago) I was asked by her mother to go with them in an ambulance. A 6-7 year old boy with temperature of 40 degree celcius..shivering, tachypneic, with delirium. He will be brought to a tertiary hospital 1 hour away from home. He was admitted for a few days, yet he passed away.
SCENE 6—-( 3 years ago) Worst Christmas ever–receiving patient with ” do not resuscitate order”! I asked for a christmas gift not to see the heart rhytm turned to asystole, yet bad luck sets in…first time I did post mortem 2 a months old angel.
SCENE 7—-( 1 year ago) She made a promisse to me a long time ago…. I just received a message that she’s already n0nresponsive. I decided to leave everything behind just to see her. When I see her , she opened her eyes and responded with uncomprehensible sound…then she close her eyes forever. After talking to her in the celphone when am not at her side, she passed away a few minutes later. I want to hold on, yet how could I when holding on means seeing her suffer. It was the first time I asked God ” if he will not heal her, just claim her than letting her suffer the agony” . I did nothing…worst thing, yet I learned something , the ability to decide and let go, eventhough it’s killing me…I had been killed a million times.
SCENE 8—-( 2 years aago) Seeing one of the best guy I ever known bedridden forever.
Scene 9—-( 1 year ago) Having a fear that he will live in hallucinations and delusions.
SCENE 10—-( a few months ago) Even in a joke I will never ever let go of someone without giving them my best fight.
Letting go when they want me to.
After all of these scenes, do you think I am not that strong? It is impossible not to be immune to the numbness that some life’s moments could bring. I learned to have a poker face. My tear glands dried up without my knowledge. Whatever life has to bring, it does not matter if it’s painful, frightening or full of sorrow. There’s one thing that keeps me going—-the knowledge that wherever my love ones are, wherever those persons who had passed by will go…God will never forget to take care of them. And by these belief I learned to appreciate the beauty of life . The more painful my heart felt, the stronger I become and the closer I’m with Him. Everyday I saw His goodness on Earth– I’m falling deeply in love with him. He has such a big heart and He will never despise anyone without giving them chance to change. He is my life.I’m giving Him my heart, soul, everything I have because without him am nothing but a dust molded into human, to serve Him by caring and loving humanity.