The Confession of an Avid Bully
“I may be a bully but mind you, this person is never a hypocrite.”
First scenario, senses ready! Neurons on track! Zygomatic arch is about to contract!Orbicularis oris lift my cheeks! Diaphragm hoist my chest! Oh yeah! I’m starting to giggle!- I’m in the mall with my friends, our attention was caught by a man wearing a big, heavy jacket with high boots and a bag full of stuff, there you go – my friend shouted, “Here is the first man who set foot on the moon!” Everybody titter!
That is just one of the scenario that when flashes on my mind makes my serotonin bursts and elevates my dopamine level. I feel I’m in the state of euphoria. More than anything else it seems that it will drive me to the wonderland where everything is funny and laughable! I am so eager to tease anyone, I laugh no matter how shallow a joke is, I cackle no matter how simple a thing is. I go with the confabulations of my friends, fabrication of funny stories and childish imagination.
There are times that I come to ask myself, “Why am I like this?, Why am I so amused of this habit?” I find it very negative, but then I keep doing so, merely because it’s where I find joy! For others this is a crap but for me it is a brilliant medicine, a cocaine, an opium, taking my stress away. With some contemplation I somehow realized that may be the reason why I am a bully lies on my previous experiences that mold my irking temperament.
Back to my childhood, I can still remember how I was intimidated by the criticism of my classmates. I was a mama’s girl way back, this makes me a favorite victim of the bullies in our school. Ever since I get into school, I did experience being an object of fun. I was a poor little girl teased and ridiculed. But then I never cried nor complained because I believed that doing so would make me look loser! Hopeless! Pathetic! I just ignored what they say about me.
Until the pain agglomerate in my heart like a garbage ready to explode. It eats me up day by day, I always wanted to push them in the foul crick near our school, that always goes on my mind! When my rope of patience untied, I started to plant on my mind and promised that time will come nobody will hurt my feelings again! No one will gain the right to haze me. That revenging vow was fulfilled when I get into 5th grade. Until now, it becomes an everyday habit that runs in my blood. Sometimes I come to analyze, I should not be a bully because I experienced being bullied before, but then it turned to a different mechanism!
Second scenario, activated serotonin and dopamine once again. An old woman passes by, she’s wearing black boots with glitters accessories on it, that may look gorgeous but for an aged woman like her it looks very funny! An evil laughstrew in the place, my friend and I had a good time again! Well, it is not only the moment we laughed because of a distinct fashion statement. We criticized many people in a very silly manner, in the mall, in the jeepney, anywhere!
Honestly, I hate that I love being a bully! I feel I am a sinner someone who must be left out. But no matter how bully I am I still have what we call an inner voice conscience. I do listen to it sometimes but I am so immature! I hypothesize that my brain might be too small floating in my skull filled with excessive amount of cerebrospinal fluid.
Like anybody else who has a bad and disgusting attitude, I believe I do also have an excellent and admirable character— my truthfulness to people especially to my friends. I am frank all the time I say what I feel, I tell what I see that somehow contributes to my habit of bulldozing. But then I choose the people I’d be frank with or crack jokes with, I select only my close friends because I believe that no matter how naughty and silly I am my real friends will remain loyal to me, they will accept who I am and what I am. In exchange of that, I am always authentic with my opinions and feelings for them, I never play pretension and hypocrisy! For me it is a big mockery to one’s self. Showing kindness to people you actually hate is not a good option, better snob them or ignore them but never appear like an angel nor devil to them.
Veracity is the basis of trust but being a bully ruins one’s veracity. Does this mean bullies must not be trusted? No! Trust is entitled to everyone even you’re a bully or not. It depends on the hundred of characters a person possesses. Having only one emblem as the main foundation of trust is definitely wrong because there are people who claims negative habits but behind those nasty things is a brilliant, exceptional and rare spirit that is trustworthy enough.
At this point in my life, I am trying to diminish my irking habit of teasing people but just like a medication I am tapering my doses of mockery and swaggering. I ways tell to myself that I will keep trying to change my trademark– a certified bully!
Yeah I am a certified bully but I am proud to say that I am not a hypocrite, I am true to everybody. Better be a bully but true than to be a saint full of pretension—not knowing yourself and where you belong!
Among all the things I wrote, this is the best I think— Don’t be a bully but be true because amazement comes to a better relationship.
“Ang pag uugali ng isang tao ang basehan kung paano magtitiwala sa iyo ang mundo. Gaano man karami ang laman ng utak mo, kailanman hindi ito magiging busilak katulad ng puso. Maaaring ang utak mo ang nag-uutos sa yong maging masaya at magmahal ngunit kahit kailan hindi mo dito mararamdaman ang masasayang emosyon na puso lamang ang tanging nakakapagbigay!
Paulit ulit ka mang magmahal o maging masaya, hinding-hindi mo puwedeng sabihing nagmamahal ka o sumasaya ka, sabi ng utak mo! Maaari mo man itong sabihin ngunit kahit sino man ang tanungin mo ibang iba pa rin ang pakinig kapag sinabi mong mahal kita at masaya ako sabi ng puso ko at totoo ka dahil malinis ang puso mo!